Can A Passionless Relationship Survive – The Sequel

October 21, 2013

Here’s the original article, complete with the comments that pretty much demanded this update.

I never meant this topic to get such a heated response from the ladies, but it’s a nice look at things from the other perspective. I’m not saying the failure in any relationship is necessarily one-sided. It takes two working together to make it work, yet the idea of just letting him go on if he’s so insecure as to not get his needs met is a little unfair. While men stray for lack of physical intimacy, women also stray–though theirs is usually for lack of emotional intimacy. There are numerous affairs begun by women who are temporarily overwhelmed by the attention a co-worker has lavished on them, thinking their husband doesn’t pay enough attention to them. The difference is that men in affairs usually end up with women who are nowhere near as pretty as their wife, while women usually end up in affairs with men who are better looking than their husbands (Brad Pitt’s little swap from Aniston to Jolie is the exception to the rule). Kind of seems like looks do matter for everyone after all, eh?

Image

Yes, women can have a lot going on just like men can. Actually, women can have a busier life than their husbands because of having to tend to children, household duties, etc…but that doesn’t discount the fact that a passionless relationship is ripe for failure. I’m not saying you have to attack him every time he walks through the door or do something freaky on every piece of furniture you have in the house, but there HAS to be moments of passion in there somewhere. Does “passion” equal “sex”? No. If all you can do is just kiss him like he’s been away in the military for six months, then do it. Grab him as he walks through the house and give him the most fierce hug you can and make it last a while until he hugs back and realizes he’s really important to you. Leave him a note in his briefcase or an email that will not only make his day but will let him know you thought about him. All of these things are “passion” in a relationship! And if you aren’t interested in investing the time in the relationship and have a “if you don’t like it, then go somewhere else” attitude about it then you can’t complain when they do.

If the physical aspect of your relationship is so boring, let him know. If he’s a two-pump-chump and that’s all he’s ever going to be, I’m sorry; most men, however, want to improve given the chance and motivation. If he gets no input from you rather than a halfhearted “Ok, let’s get this over with” then he has no reason to improve. Tell him what you want–exactly!–and give him a chance to improve. If he does, then reciprocate and briefly bless his freaky dreams with something out of the ordinary. I’m not talking about every night, but if your relationship isn’t worth investing at least one night every two weeks into it, then for heaven’s sake get out of it and stop wasting your time!

Image

And I absolutely wholeheartedly agree that men need to break out the housework, silk boxers, and new moves as needed. Keep it fresh! However, the only thing that cripples that oftentimes is a simple thing a lot of women fail to realize: a man who puts himself out there in silk boxers or new moves is making himself vulnerable and stretching the comfort zone, so telling him no or the “give me a break” look will likely kill that forever. Yes, I know a woman in a silk nightie is pretty doggone vulnerable, but movies and lingerie catalogs teach everyone that doing something like that isn’t considered “vulnerable” for a woman, but “sexy like you won’t believe”. Even a man who might have had a hard day at work will wake up quickly when his wife walks in like that. And if he’s not really into it, it takes little to no effort to get him that way for a woman. Men, on the other hand, fight a losing battle if she’s not into it. Women generally have more self-confidence than men as well. If he says no, she’s like “Fine, I didn’t want you anyway”. If SHE says no, he’s thinking “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get her into it anymore?” Yep, it’s shallow and petty, but the title of this blog should have warned you there’s not a lot of deep discussions coming.

So if my original article got you thinking I was blaming everything on one side of the relationship, I’m sorry. That’s not the point. Men are lazy in relationships too. Few have it all figured out. As a matter of fact, I wrote this article to pretty much blame most affairs on the men in the relationship, so give me a little credit.

And to just finish it all off, my original article intent was any relationship needed spice to keep it alive. That remains true. You can become solid good buddies trekking through life together like cool roomies and be “acquaintances”…or you can have this awesome James Bond/Lara Croft relationship that never gets old. One takes little to no work and can just coast along fine, while the other takes work and effort, has staying power, and is the envy of every other couple you know.


The Undeniable Attraction of a Whore

December 3, 2010

First of all, by “whore” I do not mean a professional prostitute. Instead, I am talking about a woman who feels the need to go from man to man and always be in a relationship. She will do whatever it takes to keep a man with her, and give him whatever he wants…all of this until she finds a more attractive man and moves on.

What motivates her to do this? I have no idea. Maybe it’s daddy issues. Maybe it was something she didn’t get in her childhood that makes her fear being alone. Maybe she just loves attention and can’t stand it if someone else is in the spotlight. Whatever the reason, she’s no good in a relationship because you go into it knowing she’s going to cheat on you at some point in the future.

I know this guy who is a very good-looking dude. He’s a funny, talented musician who always seems to have girls watching him without him trying anything. And for some strange reason, he finds himself drawn time and again to this one woman who couldn’t be faithful if you threatened her life.

They’ve been in a relationship before and she cheated on him. Then she cheated on the guy she cheated on him with. Then she got another boyfriend, even going so far as to talk about marriage, and she cheated on him. Then her best friend broke up with her boyfriend and this girl went out with the guy behind her back. Three weeks later, my friend is back with her and tells me she’s changed.

I am all for giving someone a second chance, but I’m also one to say you have to protect your heart (and other body parts). If a woman is a whore, she’s generally going to stay that way until she either finds religion or professional help. She may get married, she may stay in a relationship for a few months, but she’s going to cheat again. Wedding rings don’t stop her.

I’ve been down on men before because guys can be unfaithful, but I’m talking about chronically unfaithful women here. Why are men so stupid as to get in a relationship with them, ignoring the obvious signs that she’s trouble?

1) She’s usually pretty sexy.

What motivates men? Sex, mostly. A woman who goes from man to man usually has the reputation for being two things: easy and good. The challenge is gone because you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you’re going to get laid.

She wears tight, low-cut stuff, and isn’t afraid to let you touch her. Whereas a normal woman might make you go out on a date or two before getting affection, a whore will immediately begin the date with touching just to show you the gates are open and your admission ticket is paid in full.

She will dress any way she needs to, show whatever she needs to, and freely give whatever is necessary to keep the eyes of every man nearby on her.

2) There is no chance of being shot down

There is no fear of rejection and no challenge involved. This woman is going to give you whatever you want however you want it. You don’t have to do anything more than show her attention and make her feel important for a few minutes. After that, you can try whatever you want to and she’s going to let you do whatever you’d like. It’s a very sad state of affairs, but it’s the truth.

3) Ironically enough, you don’t have to worry about her cheating on you

I say that because you know ahead of time she’s going to cheat on you. There’s not a lot of nagging thoughts of “Am I making her happy?” and “Are we going to make it as a couple?”. You know ahead of time there’s nothing you can say or do that will make her stick with you, so that’s kind of a relief to some guys.

My friend even told me he doesn’t expect her to cheat on him, but he wouldn’t be surprised if she does. He’s uncomfortable thinking about her talking to other guys. Heads up guys: That’s not how a relationship is supposed to be! You’re supposed to be able to trust each other!

That’s something that really ticks me off. I have no idea how a man can have such horrible self-esteem as to stick himself in a relationship with a woman he knows is going to sleep around on him. By the same token, I can’t understand how a woman can cheat on a good man (or how a man can cheat on a good woman, for that matter). If you find someone you know you is better than you deserve, stick with them!

 

So in the end…

This isn’t really something you can figure out how to fix. If a guy is attracted to that type of woman for whatever reasons, then he’s going to go for her no matter what you say. He will even tell you he knows what’s coming–and then he’ll continue on straight to the heartache ahead.

As for the woman in this story, I know her. She comes from a large family and I think the only way she could figure to get attention and stand out in the crowd was to dress like a tart and become a loose woman. She wasn’t abused or anything, there’s just something inherent in her to cheat for some reason.

Think about the movie “Love Actually”. In one of the storylines, Alan Rickman is this married guy with a stable wife and kids who finds himself attracted to this slutty secretary working for him. You can see on his face that he knows this is wrong and won’t end well, yet he is drawn to this woman and can’t seem to help himself. In the end, it doesn’t end well.

So if you have a friend (or you yourself are that guy) who finds yourself pulled toward the “looser” women out there, snap out of it. Yes, she’s easy with no effort, but you’re better than that. Using her for a one night stand won’t help her any, and it could lead to complications for both of you. It’s best just to leave her alone and walk away while you can.


To Be A Dad

January 21, 2010

I talk a lot about relationships with spouses and girlfriends, but it’s time to talk about the most important relationship you can have as a man: the one you have with your kids.

This isn’t going to be one of those “oh, my dad was horrible and that’s why I turned out to be the way I am” kind of speeches. I don’t blame my old man for anything in my life. He lived to work and his success on his job was how he gauged his success in life in general. Even today if you ask him what’s going on, he’ll talk about work. It remains his life call…but I still turned out fine.

That being said, when I had kids of my own I did decide I would be a different father from the one I grew up with. When the choice comes between work and family, family wins every single time it’s possible.

And so, because absolutely no one asked, here is what it means to me to be a dad:

You are shaping and forming the future.

With every family moment you spend playing a game instead of watching one on television, you are forming a bond with your child. That child will see you and watch you and–if you give them a reason to–will admire you and want to be like you. Hey, when  they hit those  tumultuous teen years you’re going to need all the help you can get. Investing when they’re young means you are a role model in their life and someone  they grow to respect for information…not the guy who comes home from work and yells at them to get away from the front of the television set so you can see the game.

I’ve heard  a lot of parents talk about how horrible their kids became when they were teens, but then I’ve heard just as many dads talk about some family get together they’re doing this weekend with the kids. It isn’t hard to figure out who spends regular time with the kids and who lives their own life without them in mind.

Remember, every moment you spend with them today shapes the future. It may not always be the most convenient thing to do when you’ve just had a long day at work, but take advantage of the opportunity to throw a baseball, attend an imaginary tea party, or get  hopelessly slaughtered in a video game by a 9 year old. These are moments you are investing that will pay off in the future.

You are the role model…now act like it.

I have never understood how a parent can stand there holding a cigarette in their hand and tell their kids not to smoke. I don’t follow how fat parents can make fun of their kids for being overweight. Whether you believe it or not, your children look to you as their role models. They may hear what you tell them, but your actions will dictate theirs.

Become the person you want your children to imitate. Don’t just talk a good game.

Your words have power…use them wisely.

I’ll bet you can still remember vividly some cruel remark made to you as a child. Maybe it was you were ugly, or fat, or stupid, or lazy, or something like that. Whatever it was, you remember it.  It may have been said in anger, or in passing, or just in jest, but years later you remember it. Maybe it made you a better person as you strove to prove them wrong, but more likely it haunted you over the years.

The kids will make you angry from time to time. They may really do something  stupid every once in a while, but never, ever, ever, under any circumstances allow your anger to get the better of you. Keep your mouth shut! Walk away, do whatever, but don’t let your words get away from you.

That’s not to say you let the kids get away with everything. If they do something stupid, call them on it–just don’t call them stupid. Criticize the behavior, discuss options, spank them if need be. Just remember that your  words in that moment will forever be remembered.

I have a friend who is 50, and still vividly remembers the day he got his license at age 16. He left his house just minutes after getting his license and drove off to see his girlfriend, driving there on his own for the first time. Along the way, he had a wreck running his car off the road and seriously damaging the transmission. Here was this terrified teenager who called his dad from a pay phone and waited anxiously by his car as his father drove to where he was.

The father arrived and immediately asked if he was ok. My friend said yes, but that the car was ruined and he was sorry. What happened next has stayed with him over 30 years later, and I’ve heard him tell this story to folks numerous times. His father said, “As long as you’re all right. Where  were you going? Well, take my car and I’ll stay here until the wrecker arrives. You be careful and have a good  time.  We’ll talk about this later when you get home.” My friend received mercy when he didn’t deserve it, and his father even allowed him to go on to see his girlfriend (rather foolishly you might think, but  it was a cool thing to do).  His dad never yelled at him or anything; they just worked out how long it would take the kid to pay off the repair bill.

I’ve heard that story a number of times and have a lot of respect for that guy today. He has kids of his own (all teenagers) and last year one of his daughters wrecked their family car while learning to drive. He told me he remembered the mercy his  father showed him, and even though he was steaming inside for what had happened, he kept it in and just held his daughter while she cried and shook, and  told her it was all going to be all right.

That’s the legacy of  a good father. When your child grows up and decades later still remembers the life lesson you taught through an act of undeserved mercy instead of blasting them away with words, you have succeeded. When that same child uses you as their role model when parenting their own  children, you are more than a success…you are a legend.


Arguments Women Start

January 12, 2010

Most men don’t enjoy conflict in a relationship. Oh, we all love the make-up sex that follows a good fight, but it’s getting there that’s the problem. That being the case, most men avoid starting a fight with their woman. Unfortunately, there are those times when it becomes unavoidable.

Ladies, there are times you cause fights. It’s true and you know it. It’s not our ignorance that does it every time (though we men mess up quite often), sometimes it’s your stubborn attitude. Here are some examples of fights you ladies inadvertantly cause:

1 – “You never compliment me anymore!”

You’ve got to love this one. The  woman spends hours getting ready to go out. She’s dressed to the hilt in something sexy and her hair is perfect. She comes out, her man is amazed. He tells her so and she says thank you. That’s a perfect scenario.

Real life though is different. While we men do love it when our woman is dressed up and looking hot, we also can find those simple days incredibly sexy as well. For instance, a woman  with her hair down and no make up can be incredibly hot to her man if she’s wearing shorts and a t-shirt. We look at you and see “sexy!”, you look at you and see “messy”. We tell you how hot you look and how we’d love to rip those comfy clothes off you and show you, and you say, “No, I’m not! I look awful!”. Once is ok and understandable, but when it happens every time we pay you a compliment, soon we get tired of it and stop bothering.

Ladies, you need to realize that you’re going to look sexy to your man at times when you don’t necessarily feel sexy. But if you call them a liar every time they tell you how hot you look, soon they aren’t going to bother telling you. Then when you get all dressed up and know you look good, you’ll get ticked because he hasn’t said anything.

The solution is simple: when he tells you he thinks you’re hot, smile demurely and kiss him. If you can’t say “thank you”, then at the very least don’t call him a liar.

2 – “All you ever think about is sex!”

Yep, that’s true. You look hot, we want you. We wake up first thing in the morning and the equipment is already working, we want you. We’re otherwise bored, we want you. We slip into the shower with you, it becomes obvious rather quickly. We fix you dinner and clean up afterward…you get the picture.

That’s how we’re  wired. Yes, you can fix it by nagging until the desire for you is gone…but notice I said the desire “for you”. That sex drive is still going to be there and if you’re not going to help us, you can be sure there’s someone else out there who will.

If you don’t want to do it every night, that’s fine. Just make  sure your husband knows there is some point in time in the week ahead that’s his. First thing Saturday morning while the kids are still asleep, or Friday night going to bed early, or something. As long as he knows it’s coming, he won’t reach that point of desperation where his every action soon becomes a clumsy attempt at seduction.

3 – “Why can’t you be more like…”

This is so stupid it should be a no-brainer, but it’s amazing to me how many times I hear a wife compare her husband to someone else to their face. There are indeed  other ways to challenge your man’s  masculinity (pointing and laughing immediately comes to mind), but very few can have such a horrible reverse effect as this one.

Susan’s husband is perfect, we get it. He buys her flowers, he puts  the kids to bed so she can relax on the couch before bedtime, and he never forgets an anniversary or holiday. You don’t have to tell us these things. What you don’t know, however, is what Susan’s husband is telling us from his viewpoint. Susan recognizes these things he does for her, and she “rewards” him for the extra effort. Yes, it all boils down to sex again.

Putting it bluntly, if you looked  like Susan and did half the freaky things she does after the kids are put to bed, we’d treat you like he does. Think about it.

And finally…

4 – “You never listen to me!”

Possibly true. Did your conversation start with “Let me tell you something…”? Then yes, we tuned you out. Did you time the beginning of the conversation with the last half of a championship game? Then yes, we tuned you out. Did you begin the conversation just as our head hit the pillow to go to sleep after a long day? Then yes, we tuned you out. Is this the same story you’ve told before in extreme detail? Yep, we tuned you out.

Ask a man how his day went, he’ll say, “Fine.” Ask a woman how her day went, and it starts with “Well, when I got up this morning…” and goes from there. As a matter of fact, her recount of the day almost happens in real time, taking as long to tell it as it did to live it.

Ladies, we love you, but cut it short sometimes…or time the beginning of the conversation better. Start at the beginning of dinner and we’ll be more inclined to listen. How about when we’re driving somewhere? Turn down the radio (only as long as nothing classic is playing that demands  to be rocked to) and talk. Learn to time the conversations to when it’s convenient for both of us and we’ll listen.

And if all else fails, this one is guaranteed: Begin the conversation by taking off your shirt while you’re talking. When it hits the floor, stop and ask your hubby  “What did I just say?” If he can repeat it, move on to your pants and do the same while continuing the story. If he doesn’t have a clue what you said, slip the  shirt back on and say, “Too bad” and walk away. You will only have to do this once to ingrain this behavior of listening into your man. Soon he’ll be racing down the hall when he thinks he heard you talking. We’re easy to train if you use the right tools!


Affairs of the Heart

January 7, 2010

Note: This post is rather lengthy and short on humor, but  I wanted to deal with the issue. I’ll try to be  shorter and funny next time around, I promise.

Let’s play a game: Let’s say you were faced with the choice of two equally-wonderful women to marry. They were both gorgeous, fun, and great in so many ways. You chose one, married her, and suddenly found out you might have made a mistake in the physical area simply because she’s not the lover you were envisioning (though in every other part of the relationship she’s perfect).

Let’s make this a little more difficult to work on. Now let’s suppose you find out the other girl you could have chosen was everything you’veloving-couple-in-bed-lg-new ever wanted in a lover (because of things about her “desires” she told someone else and you found out about) while you are in a less-than-stellar physical relationship.

Finally, let’s say you find yourself with the opportunity one day to actually move on the unrequited feelings you have toward this girl. What would you do? Here is your opportunity to explore what you know will be the single-greatest sexual relationship in your life with a woman you were technically supposed to be with if you’d just chosen her over the woman you did choose. Could that really be considered cheating, since she was supposed to be yours anyway?

An affair is one of those things that instantly polarizes any conversation. Some people are for them, while the rest are against. Anyone who has ever been the victim of an affair hates them and thinks everyone who gets into one is a scum-sucking dirtbag. On the other hand, people who get involved in affairs usually feel justified in doing so because their spouse did something to drive them into another’s arms.

So what’s a boy to do? Do you spend every day you see this “other woman” just dreaming about what it would be like to see her beneath you, looking into her eyes at the moment of passion’s height for both of you…or do you just forget it and resign yourself to a life of vanilla when cookies-n-cream is right there?

The scenario I described at the beginning happened to a close friend of mine. We discussed the woman he was marrying while still talking about the other girl he had in his life that wanted him equally as much. He chose, got married, and came back from his honeymoon without “that smile” I had seen on so many other men who’d just had a week of wild romping. Instead, he just had this bored look in his eyes. He told me how he’d thought it was going to be amazing “everywhere in the cabin” week, when it was just a lot of “same old same old”.

Then one yearhiking-up-skirt-lg-new later the other girl came back into his life.

Every time they met, she gave him this hug that held on so tightly he told me he felt she was holding him like a life preserver. She wore things she knew he would like. He found out about her bra size from another woman at the office who was buying her gifts for her birthday (I have no idea how that stacked up since I’m not an expert on sizes…is a 36B bigger than a 34C?) and couldn’t get the image out of his mind.

It kind of came to a head one night when he was making love to his wife and realized he was actually about to yell out this other woman’s name because fantasizing about being with her was the only way he could make intimacy with his wife exciting anymore. He talked to me about it, almost at the point of tears. It was crazy! He loved his wife and she was his best friend, but she wasn’t his best lover and he knew it was only a matter of time before this other woman and he were together–even if it was just for one night.

So what was there to do? Besides what would it hurt to have a little snog on the side, right?

Wrong.

If you’re going to consider an affair, then there are many things to keep in mind. My first wife cheated on me several times over before I finally told her to get out and married an infinitely better woman, so this next part will come from someone who experienced the bitter betrayal of an affair, but at the same time I’m going to try and look at it objectively from both sides.

First of all, an affair destroys all trust in your relationship…sometimes forever.

When you let someone into your bed, you are in essence giving them the most intimate part of yourself. This is something you feel should be treasured by the other person. When they have an affair, it feels like they took your gift and stomped it into the ground while laughing at you. From that point on, every phone call, email, visitor, or “late night at the office” is going to come under intense scrutiny and could result in an argument. After all, you told them you were working late before when you were actually bumping the boards, so why should they trust you now?

An affair cheapens you in the eyes of your spouse.

While a husband might proudly display pictures of his wife to friends and co-workers when she’s his and his alone, if she has an affair he no longer mentions her. Why? She’s community property. Try not to get upset at this, but the husband sees her as nothing more than a cheap whore.

Then again, the wife does the same. The husband’s “I love you” means nothing to her, since he was saying that the whole time he was leaving the house and pounding Miss What’s-Her-Name. There is nothing you can say or do that  will change that feeling. Only time can (sometimes) heal the wound.

An affair can  strengthen your marriage…but most likely it will end it.

Oh, I’ve heard the talk about how couples come back stronger than ever after an affair. I’ve seen the testimonials on TV talk shows and watch as the held each other’s hands tightly while talking about how strong their love is now. But they are the exception to the rule.

The  simple  fact is that most marriages never recover from an affair.  The vast majority of the time, they end up calling it quits  soon after. Why? Because the pain of a physical relationship hurts more than you can know.

Try this exercise and see if you still feel an affair wouldn’t be a deal-breaker: When you are making love to your spouse/significant other, there are particular moves they use that you probably love. They make certain sounds when you  hit that perfect spot with them. They sometimes whisper things to you while you are together that  is  intimate and for your ears only.  Now  imagine them doing the exact same things, whispering those sweet words, and making those same gestures to someone else. Imagine another man on top of your wife, or another woman on top of your husband as your spouse makes those same facial expressions of pure pleasure experiencing the passion.

Hurts, doesn’t it?

Still think you could just say, “Ok” and move on?

How about the next time you two make love? If you do manage to hold on through the rough patch, then the next time you decide to become intimate you’ll spend the whole time thinking, “Is this how he touched her? Was he better than me? Is she thinking about him right now?” It all becomes a deal-killer that makes it almost impossible to recover from. You have to have loads of self-confidence to make it work.

And finally…

An affair doesn’t just destroy your reputation…it destroys your spouse’s as well.

People may say, “Oh, there’s Mike. I heard he had an affair with that girl from the health club and got caught!” But they also follow up with, “Yeah, Cindy was really hurt. Guess she wasn’t good enough to keep him happy in the sack, eh?”

Folks will offer their condolences, but the whole time they’ll wonder what you did wrong. After all, a happy man doesn’t wander, right? Let’s think about  that for a second: Tiger Woods married a blond supermodel. I can’t really picture more  physical perfection than that. And yet he diddled with lots of other women. Was his wife just not that good in bed? Can’t say. Some men and women are just cheaters by nature and don’t need a reason. Still, before they were having the affair you could look at them as a couple and think he was a lucky man. Now, people wonder what their home life was like and what she did wrong.

So what’s the solution? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: don’t have an affair. If you’re at the point in your relationship where you’re seriously considering a “harmless fling” with a co-worker, either get counseling together to improve your marriage or just walk away. Even if you don’t love them now, that spouse meant something to you at one time or another. Out of respect for who they were then and what they meant to you, just walk away.


The List

December 10, 2009

Every man (and many women) has “The List”. It’s a list of the people they are going to sleep with given the chance. Here’s the key weakness to them, however: they usually involve people that the guy has no chance of ever hooking up with. People like Angelina Jolie or Penelope Cruz may be on the list, but the man knows he’s going to spend the rest of his life fantasizing about it and nothing more.

But then there are those who have a different list. Their list is filled with possibilities. These are those women who might have been, but weren’t…yet still could be. From my honest friends and co-workers (their names changed to protect the truthful), I give you “The List”:

1) The Former Best Friend

Tom says, “Before I met my wife, I had this incredibly close female friend. We would hang out together all the time, and we just clicked. She made me laugh, and we always had fun together. It never go physical though. We’d go to the movies, out to dinner, even hang out at her place and watch TV, but we kept it cool.

“After I got married, this girl and I lost touch. As I looked back on our times together, I suddenly realized some of the things she’d talked about during our conversations. She’d casually tossed out hints about what kind of kisser she thought I’d be. She mentioned her past and a few sexual things she liked, and stuff like that. And for some reason, all of those conversations just zipped right past me until much later.

“Don’t get me wrong, I know we wouldn’t have been a good married couple. There were too many differences. But I always think of her as a perfect lover for me. We clicked on so many levels, I can’t help but think she would have been incredible. She’s married now too, but if the opportunity ever came, I know I’d give it a shot.”

2) The “Almost”

Frank said, “There’s this woman I was crazy about. The first time I saw her, I was in love and was sure this was the woman I was going to marry. I tried everything and she flirted with me all the time, but for some reason we just never got that connection. She eventually chose another guy over me and she’s married now with two kids, but I see her all the time. She still looks good for a mother of two, even all these years later.

“Every time I see her, I still feel that connection that might have been. If she ever has a fight with her husband that’s one of those ‘I’m leaving for the night’ kind of fights, I hope I’m the one she comes to see. We may not last more than a night together as a couple, but I’m sure it’ll be the greatest night of my life.”

3) The “Forbidden”

David says, “I have a girl in my office who is an intern. She’s 23 and has the most perfect body I’ve ever seen. The thing is I’ve known her and her family for years. Her father is a friend of mine and even though his daughter’s all grown up, he’s still protective of her.

“There was a time last year when the girl and I really started talking. She mentioned dreams she was having about me (nothing sexual) and the more I talked to her about everything from books to music to life in general, the more I realized how much I wanted this woman. Of course, I don’t think my wife would approve, and I know I’d lose this girl’s father as a friend forever. Even with that, I see this girl and know that if the opportunity ever came up, I’d take the chance.”

4) The Freak

Mike says, “My wife isn’t into sex. She was a virgin when we got married–her idea–and I just trusted she’d get into the swing of things. Unfortunately, she didn’t and we have the most vanilla sex ever. On the rare occasion that it happens, I swear it’s like a script and no matter how hard I try to get her to try something just minutely different (like being on top) she just gives up two seconds into it and we’re back to ‘the usual’. I want a half hour of foreplay, whereas her idea of foreplay is to say, ‘All right, let’s get this over with.’

“Her best friend, on the other hand, is a freak in bed. She tells my wife all about how she wants it all the time, but her husband never does (the stupid moron). I encourage my wife to spend time around this girl in the hopes that some of her libido will rub off on my wife. Instead, as my wife tells me what this girls mentions, I’ve found myself fantasizing about my wife’s friend. The funny thing is that I dated her before I dated my wife, and now that rubs salt in the wound because I realize I could have had this ‘acrobat in the sack’ if I’d just stayed with her. I never slept with the woman though, and that just makes it worse.

“I realize now that my wife will probably never change and every story her friend tells her won’t pique her interest in trying something new. Instead, I think about this woman all the time, and think about how she’s just as frustrated as I am. I try to spend time with her when she’s with my wife and test to see if our connection is still there when my wife’s not around. I love my wife dearly, but sex is a big part of any relationship and she’s just doesn’t accept that. If there was any way for her friend and I to get together and satisfy each other’s needs on a regular basis, I wouldn’t hesitate to do it. The way I see it, we’d be helping both of our spouses because they don’t want to do it, and they wouldn’t have to anymore. We’d be taking care of each other.”

So there you have it. It’s not really pretty, but you can sort of see a trend. A passionless marriage/relationship is one that is ripe for an affair. Of course, you can’t blame it all on a passionless partner. The guy has to keep his mind away from the “forbidden fruit” and realize that the more he thinks about it, the more likely he is to act on it.

Is there anything wrong with having “the list”? Well, being truthful (as my blog title implies) I imagine everyone has that list, even if they don’t realize it. Subconsciously we are attracted to people. Just because you get married doesn’t mean you never find anyone else attractive! Even the most faithful husband still finds that temptation to watch a tight sweater as it goes by. But the key is to fight the temptation.

At some point, I’m going to write a post on the after-effects of an affair on a relationship. For now, let me just say if you aren’t happy in the relationship, instead of throwing it all away for one night with a “list person”, move on. It’s better for both of you.


Time, Time, Time…See What’s Become of Me

October 5, 2009

I was at Wal-Mart yesterday (carefully following the rules, by the way), when a woman zipped between the aisles and our eyes met. It’s one of those moments where you recognize something about the person, but not the whole person themselves. She stepped back out and it turned out she was a girl I had graduated with. Why didn’t I immediately recognize her? Well, she had a frumpy old woman hairstyle, frumpy old woman clothes, and a lot of frumpy old woman weight she didn’t have when we were in school together. After a few minutes, I realized, “Holy cow! She looks like my 8th grade science teacher!” Then a few seconds later, I realized “Holy cow! She’s older than my 8th grade high-school-reunionscience teacher was!”

“The years had not been kind” is what I guess I’m saying.

Now understand, she and I are the same age. We can see 40 on the horizon, but that’s still not too old. The difference is that somewhere along the line she aged 10 years more than she should have and turned into a 50 year old woman. What in the world happens to people?

Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t a goddess in high school or anything, but she looked decent and took care of herself (she reminded me a lot of Marsha Brady). Now she looked like she was auditioning for a “Golden Girls” revival or something.

Man listening to womanI was hanging with some guys a couple of weeks ago and the discussion came up about age. When I mentioned how old I was, the others told me they would have never guessed it, but would have put me at late 20’s/early 30’s. That was a major compliment, as my wife is 8 years younger than me and the last thing I want is to be out somewhere and have someone say “Is this your daughter?” All you have to do is take care of yourself, right? Sometimes it’s good to say “No!” to that Twinkie!

So at which point does a person say “Ok, time to get old!” and suddenly think looking like an old school teacher is sexy?

One more true story: In high school there was this girl who was one year older than me. When she was a senior, she was absolutely the “hot girl” that everyone wanted. She and I were good friends and at one point she wanted to take it further, but I didn’t. She was hot, funny, nice, and had a great laugh. Want to know why I didn’t take it further? It was her mother.

article-1162347-03E8F85E000005DC-723_468x658I looked at this gorgeous girl and then I looked at her mother. The girl had long blond hair and amazing curves; her mother had a big bun of hair on her head and had long since buried any curves under excess weight. When I looked at this girl, I saw her mother and realized that’s what this girl might look like one day.

Five years ago, I saw this girl again. Let me say that a different way: Five years ago, I saw this girl’s mother again…but it was the girl. True to what I’d thought, this amazing woman had turned into her mother. The smile and personality were still there, but the hair was pulled up into a bun, and the curves that had captured the attention of every guy in high school had now turned into one big curve from shoulder to ankle.

I know that time has a way of getting to us all, but there are things we can do to at least slow the process. There’s no feeling on earth like the one where you see someone again after a few years and think, “Oh man, please tell me I don’t look that bad!”

Nobody looks like their senior picture after 20 years ( but man, the 80’s rocked!). I know that and can appreciate it. Still, who says you have to go from 35 to 50 overnight? If you’re only as old as you feel, go feel a 20 year-old or something!