The List

Every man (and many women) has “The List”. It’s a list of the people they are going to sleep with given the chance. Here’s the key weakness to them, however: they usually involve people that the guy has no chance of ever hooking up with. People like Angelina Jolie or Penelope Cruz may be on the list, but the man knows he’s going to spend the rest of his life fantasizing about it and nothing more.

But then there are those who have a different list. Their list is filled with possibilities. These are those women who might have been, but weren’t…yet still could be. From my honest friends and co-workers (their names changed to protect the truthful), I give you “The List”:

1) The Former Best Friend

Tom says, “Before I met my wife, I had this incredibly close female friend. We would hang out together all the time, and we just clicked. She made me laugh, and we always had fun together. It never go physical though. We’d go to the movies, out to dinner, even hang out at her place and watch TV, but we kept it cool.

“After I got married, this girl and I lost touch. As I looked back on our times together, I suddenly realized some of the things she’d talked about during our conversations. She’d casually tossed out hints about what kind of kisser she thought I’d be. She mentioned her past and a few sexual things she liked, and stuff like that. And for some reason, all of those conversations just zipped right past me until much later.

“Don’t get me wrong, I know we wouldn’t have been a good married couple. There were too many differences. But I always think of her as a perfect lover for me. We clicked on so many levels, I can’t help but think she would have been incredible. She’s married now too, but if the opportunity ever came, I know I’d give it a shot.”

2) The “Almost”

Frank said, “There’s this woman I was crazy about. The first time I saw her, I was in love and was sure this was the woman I was going to marry. I tried everything and she flirted with me all the time, but for some reason we just never got that connection. She eventually chose another guy over me and she’s married now with two kids, but I see her all the time. She still looks good for a mother of two, even all these years later.

“Every time I see her, I still feel that connection that might have been. If she ever has a fight with her husband that’s one of those ‘I’m leaving for the night’ kind of fights, I hope I’m the one she comes to see. We may not last more than a night together as a couple, but I’m sure it’ll be the greatest night of my life.”

3) The “Forbidden”

David says, “I have a girl in my office who is an intern. She’s 23 and has the most perfect body I’ve ever seen. The thing is I’ve known her and her family for years. Her father is a friend of mine and even though his daughter’s all grown up, he’s still protective of her.

“There was a time last year when the girl and I really started talking. She mentioned dreams she was having about me (nothing sexual) and the more I talked to her about everything from books to music to life in general, the more I realized how much I wanted this woman. Of course, I don’t think my wife would approve, and I know I’d lose this girl’s father as a friend forever. Even with that, I see this girl and know that if the opportunity ever came up, I’d take the chance.”

4) The Freak

Mike says, “My wife isn’t into sex. She was a virgin when we got married–her idea–and I just trusted she’d get into the swing of things. Unfortunately, she didn’t and we have the most vanilla sex ever. On the rare occasion that it happens, I swear it’s like a script and no matter how hard I try to get her to try something just minutely different (like being on top) she just gives up two seconds into it and we’re back to ‘the usual’. I want a half hour of foreplay, whereas her idea of foreplay is to say, ‘All right, let’s get this over with.’

“Her best friend, on the other hand, is a freak in bed. She tells my wife all about how she wants it all the time, but her husband never does (the stupid moron). I encourage my wife to spend time around this girl in the hopes that some of her libido will rub off on my wife. Instead, as my wife tells me what this girls mentions, I’ve found myself fantasizing about my wife’s friend. The funny thing is that I dated her before I dated my wife, and now that rubs salt in the wound because I realize I could have had this ‘acrobat in the sack’ if I’d just stayed with her. I never slept with the woman though, and that just makes it worse.

“I realize now that my wife will probably never change and every story her friend tells her won’t pique her interest in trying something new. Instead, I think about this woman all the time, and think about how she’s just as frustrated as I am. I try to spend time with her when she’s with my wife and test to see if our connection is still there when my wife’s not around. I love my wife dearly, but sex is a big part of any relationship and she’s just doesn’t accept that. If there was any way for her friend and I to get together and satisfy each other’s needs on a regular basis, I wouldn’t hesitate to do it. The way I see it, we’d be helping both of our spouses because they don’t want to do it, and they wouldn’t have to anymore. We’d be taking care of each other.”

So there you have it. It’s not really pretty, but you can sort of see a trend. A passionless marriage/relationship is one that is ripe for an affair. Of course, you can’t blame it all on a passionless partner. The guy has to keep his mind away from the “forbidden fruit” and realize that the more he thinks about it, the more likely he is to act on it.

Is there anything wrong with having “the list”? Well, being truthful (as my blog title implies) I imagine everyone has that list, even if they don’t realize it. Subconsciously we are attracted to people. Just because you get married doesn’t mean you never find anyone else attractive! Even the most faithful husband still finds that temptation to watch a tight sweater as it goes by. But the key is to fight the temptation.

At some point, I’m going to write a post on the after-effects of an affair on a relationship. For now, let me just say if you aren’t happy in the relationship, instead of throwing it all away for one night with a “list person”, move on. It’s better for both of you.

5 Responses to The List

  1. Beowülf says:

    Been reading this and that fear in me just became bigger – that I’d end up with woman (us married) and sex is just something included in the package, needed getting done with…. 😦
    Hi, I’m 22, single man and highly sexual.
    And I’m questioning the viabiity of waiting it out until after gettting married with a girlfriend/future-spouse/fiancé when it comes to sex; I’d wanna be sure beforehand that she’ll want to keep going and love it too!!

  2. Tierra757 says:

    This is disturbing yet very true… I have a list going back to high school and with the wonderful world of FaceBook and Myspace have had the opportunity to keep in contact with those who I was so attracted to “back in the day”. Would I bag them if I had the chance? Probably!!! Now that I am officially single (finally divorced after a 5 year separation) I would find it hard to hesitate at those select few that I didn’t get the chance to have before. I really sympathize with the entry regarding the “virgin wife” and I understand Beowulf’s apprehension with post marital relations. I know that we are supposed to wait, but I also know myself and if I marry a man who cannot/will not satisfy me in bed, the prospect of infidelity and/or divorce is highly likely. So when I do get involved with someone (not just random jumpoffs, but a real relationship) then I will have to take one for the team just to test the goods. No need in wasting his and my time when I know that I will not be happy. I know I have a male perception of thinking but I have come to terms with that. LOL

  3. Stuart says:

    Wow… I have a woman in my life that fit every one of these descriptions. Its actually king of disturbing, hopefully because I’m still young I might be able to make it happen, but man thats erie almost.

  4. Vanessa says:

    i was with my kids dad for 24 years since i was 14/15 we dated on and off for 5 years before we got married, sex was good, always good till the end, i would hold out when i wanted something, or it was my punishing tool……………. i know it was wrong, but i would try everything else first and if i didn’t feel like he was respecting my opinion , there would go the sex. I love sex(no making love), i love touching, holding hands, passion, kissing, public show of infection I love it, snuggling, …. the man i am with now we have been together for 13 years, we made love the first night we were together, we have known each other all of our lives but never dated, we moved in together 4 years ago and i feel like we are room mates, i think he got upset cause i asked him not to say he loved me, i said no when he proposed marriage, i have talked to him about my need for passion, about foreplay before bed, about attention outside the bed room, one night i even told him i feel like a hoar to him because of the lack of foreplay or attention…….i have talked to him, he is not great in the moving part or the talking in bed but he is built and oral is great and i know he respects me and probably loves me……………….. what do i do…………… i am tired of doing all the work, i go after him on the couch, but it is always me………. his weight probably doesn’t help his lack of motion………… what do i do tired of being the chaser

  5. Vanessa says:

    love this comment i will try this tonite or real soon”Begin the conversation by taking off your shirt while you’re talking. When it hits the floor, stop and ask your hubby “What did I just say?” If he can repeat it, move on to your pants and do the same while continuing the story. If he doesn’t have a clue what you said, slip the shirt back on and say, “Too bad” and walk away. You will only have to do this once to ingrain this behavior of listening into your man. Soon he’ll be racing down the hall when he thinks he heard you talking. We’re easy to train if you use the right tools!

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