“Fun” Dating Games

October 10, 2009

Previously I wrote about those fun games you can play as a married couple. Now I think it’s time to mention those fun games you get to play when you’re still dating. It’s such a magical time in a relationship, and there’s so much that can go wrong–if you plan it right!

1) What Are You Looking At? speed-dating

This is a fun one! You’re sitting there talking to this hot girl on a date that you think is going pretty well. Eventually you notice her gaze keeps drifting from your eyes to another part of your face. It could be your teeth, it could be your nose, it could be your forehead or cheek…all you know is she’s looking at something!

Now you become paranoid. Do I have something in my teeth? Did a zit suddenly pop up somewhere on my face? Is there a booger hanging on my nose?

This is where the fun part sets in. The fast and easy way to handle this is to just get up and go to the bathroom to check it out. Of course, who likes the easy way? Instead, you drink something and swish it around in your mouth hoping to clean your teeth, or you lean forward and cover your cheek with your hand, or you try to signal the waiter and when she looks away you wipe your nose for all you’re worth.

How do you win this game? You don’t until you get up and check it all out. The fun part of this game, however, isn’t playing it, but making someone else play it. Next time you’re on a date that you want to get out of, just casually glance at her nose a lot. When she picks it up and excuses herself to go to the restroom, you pay the check and bolt!

2) Guess Who!3589463

You talked to her at the party and have her number. You’ve waited long enough and decide to place the call. This is the one, you’re sure of it! You call her up and she answers with an uncertain “Hello?”.

“Hey,” you say in your most sexy cool voice. “It’s me.”

A pause. Then an uncertain, “Hey, you. How are you?”

Now you are faced with a dilemma. It’s obvious she doesn’t know who in the world she’s talking to right now. Should you enlighten her, which makes it obvious you didn’t make that big of an impression on her? Or should you keep talking and act like it’s her fault and she should catch up quickly or you’re gone.

This is one of those rare games that isn’t fun for either party. If you’re the caller, you have suddenly been dealt the biggest blow to your ego imagineable. If you’re the call-ee, you are stuck with this awkward moment of trying to remember if this was the cute one you talked to while you were sober, or did things go really south after you started drinking?

3) The Great Escape

speed-dating-1aYou’re on a date with this girl you know from work and it’s apparent things are not going well for you. She’s into you but there’s just something about her that isn’t clicking on your end. Maybe it’s her laugh, or maybe it’s the way she eats, or maybe it’s how she chatters incessantly, but there’s something that demands you flee immediately. The problem is that you can’t be rude because you see this person on a regular basis and it would really make things awkward at work, or you’d have to change coffee shops, or something.

Now the game begins: How can you get away without making it look like you’re trying to get away? What excuse can you use that will sound reasonable without being impossible to back up with physical proof? You can say your landlord called because someone broke into your apartment, but what if she follows you there to make sure you’re ok? Sick grandmother? That might work unless she knows another member of your family or a close friend.

This can be a challenging game, but fun. Consider it a survival situation and you’re Survivorman. How can you use what’s around you to formulate that perfect, untraceable escape? It ain’t easy, but it’s doable.

4) Awkward Moments

There are so many of these on a date that it’s possible to play this game all night long. The only problem is that this game isn’t any fun at all. Instead, for every time you play this one you asleeping-in-lg-newutomatically lose one value point in your date’s eyes. Lose enough, and she’s gonna be screaming in someone else’s sheets tonight.

Maybe it’s that moment when you mention how you hate cats, then she says she has two at her apartment who are her best friends. Maybe it’s when you accidentally mention your ex-girlfriend…for the third time that night. Or maybe it’s when you try that joke that killed with your friends, but the second before the punch line leaves your mouth you realize it’s one of those “You had to be there” jokes and it’s too late to stop it. Whatever it is, it’s the moment when you both just sort of force a smile at each other and scramble desperately for another conversation thread to pull before it all crashes and burns.

However, the worst of these moments is the easiest to identify. You’re working your magic by candlelight and soft music in the bedroom. She’s moving beneath you like a wildcat and you wish you could take notes because of how awesome you are at that moment. You can see by the expression on her face that she’s there when suddenly she says, “Oh, god, Carl, YES! YES! YES!”

The problem is your name is Ted.

Instant lose. Game over.

Time, Time, Time…See What’s Become of Me

October 5, 2009

I was at Wal-Mart yesterday (carefully following the rules, by the way), when a woman zipped between the aisles and our eyes met. It’s one of those moments where you recognize something about the person, but not the whole person themselves. She stepped back out and it turned out she was a girl I had graduated with. Why didn’t I immediately recognize her? Well, she had a frumpy old woman hairstyle, frumpy old woman clothes, and a lot of frumpy old woman weight she didn’t have when we were in school together. After a few minutes, I realized, “Holy cow! She looks like my 8th grade science teacher!” Then a few seconds later, I realized “Holy cow! She’s older than my 8th grade high-school-reunionscience teacher was!”

“The years had not been kind” is what I guess I’m saying.

Now understand, she and I are the same age. We can see 40 on the horizon, but that’s still not too old. The difference is that somewhere along the line she aged 10 years more than she should have and turned into a 50 year old woman. What in the world happens to people?

Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t a goddess in high school or anything, but she looked decent and took care of herself (she reminded me a lot of Marsha Brady). Now she looked like she was auditioning for a “Golden Girls” revival or something.

Man listening to womanI was hanging with some guys a couple of weeks ago and the discussion came up about age. When I mentioned how old I was, the others told me they would have never guessed it, but would have put me at late 20’s/early 30’s. That was a major compliment, as my wife is 8 years younger than me and the last thing I want is to be out somewhere and have someone say “Is this your daughter?” All you have to do is take care of yourself, right? Sometimes it’s good to say “No!” to that Twinkie!

So at which point does a person say “Ok, time to get old!” and suddenly think looking like an old school teacher is sexy?

One more true story: In high school there was this girl who was one year older than me. When she was a senior, she was absolutely the “hot girl” that everyone wanted. She and I were good friends and at one point she wanted to take it further, but I didn’t. She was hot, funny, nice, and had a great laugh. Want to know why I didn’t take it further? It was her mother.

article-1162347-03E8F85E000005DC-723_468x658I looked at this gorgeous girl and then I looked at her mother. The girl had long blond hair and amazing curves; her mother had a big bun of hair on her head and had long since buried any curves under excess weight. When I looked at this girl, I saw her mother and realized that’s what this girl might look like one day.

Five years ago, I saw this girl again. Let me say that a different way: Five years ago, I saw this girl’s mother again…but it was the girl. True to what I’d thought, this amazing woman had turned into her mother. The smile and personality were still there, but the hair was pulled up into a bun, and the curves that had captured the attention of every guy in high school had now turned into one big curve from shoulder to ankle.

I know that time has a way of getting to us all, but there are things we can do to at least slow the process. There’s no feeling on earth like the one where you see someone again after a few years and think, “Oh man, please tell me I don’t look that bad!”

Nobody looks like their senior picture after 20 years ( but man, the 80’s rocked!). I know that and can appreciate it. Still, who says you have to go from 35 to 50 overnight? If you’re only as old as you feel, go feel a 20 year-old or something!