The One That Got Away…and Why We Love Them

September 15, 2009

So this girl I work with is so crazy hot it makes any man who sees her immediately stop what they’re doing to watch her walk down the hall. Though a little conceited she has a pretty good personality as well. She’s talented, smart, sexy as humanly possible, and fun to hang around. And she’s had almost 10 boyfriends this year.

Understand, she hasn’t slept with them all or anything. It’s just that she seems to always find a way to kill any relationship she gets in because she’s comparing him to “Bob”, the guy she considers “the one”. Bob broke up with her via email at the beginning of the year and let her know that he’d actually been seeing someone else for a few weeks as well. He cared for her and all, but he just didn’t see a future with her.couple-laptop2-lg-new

This was powerful because this was literally the first guy who had ever dumped this girl. She had always been the dump-er, and now she was the dump-ee. It did not go well.

And now, despite the fact that he cheated on her, she can’t let him go. Every relationship she gets in is automatically compared to this fantasized version of Bob. In her mind he’s not the cheating two-timer she hated with a passion as she finished that email. Instead, he’s the caring sensitive guy who loved her with all his heart.

So what is it about ex’s the keep people so enamored? Why can’t we move on sometimes when a relationship goes sour and ends?

First, it’s because of what we imagine might have been. We see ourselves waking up in the middle of the night and having this person roll over onto us for “movie love”. They wake up in the morning ready to go with their hair perfect and their breath fresh. They never get mad and always worship the ground we walk on. Of course, none of this happened while the relationship was going on, but that won’t stop us from imagining it.

When I was single, I had a girl who was a very good friend of mine. The years we were together were fun, and we were very close though we never took it to a physical level. Thinking back on it later, I reconsidered a lot of our conversations and realized there were times she was tentatively opening the door to me for more, and I never caught it or took it. Now when I think of what might have been I picture her doing incredibly athletic things to my body as I fight for every breath in a bliss I had never thought possible. Would it have really been that way? Probably not…but that’s just the way we are wired to see things. Rather than look at reality and see them as a real person, we lock them forever in our memories as “perfection”.

Second, time heals all wounds. The things that drove us away from them or annoyed the fire out of us are long forgotten as we dinnerconcentrate instead on little things that meant so much. They might have been loud, or obnoxious, or even downright cruel at times…but there were those precious moments like when they picked up a candy bar for us while in the gas station, or when they reached for our hand in the dark during a movie. She might have been banging your brother, but when you picture her she’s this angel.

Third, something special happened at least once with them–and we keep hoping it will happen with someone else. It might have been incredibly deep conversations, or mind-blowing passion, or wonderful laughs, but something happened that made that person stick out. That one part of the relationship is usually what we hang on to, focus on, and desperately want to recreate. Most of the time, unfortunately, we can’t hope to.

In the case of the girl I work with, the guy she’s so hung up on was “her first”, and as such he holds a place that no man can ever possibly hope to have. playful-couple-lgAlmost everyone can remember their first time even decades later, so you can see what her future husband will be fighting against. It’s really unfair to hold any other guy up to the standard she’s placed “Bob” in (and she didn’t even think it was that great), but she’s holding out hope because she doesn’t want to be considered a tramp and wants to be a one-man-ever kind of woman.

Whatever the cause, it’s often unfair to think anyone else can ever measure up to this standard that has been placed on them. Ex’s sometimes get those special glorified places that can never be matched. How many times do we miss out on something better simply because we hang on to something we think was so incredible.

And the funny part? If we do find a way to make the relationship get another chance, it ends the same way. Those incredible moments we thought would forever move us may show up for a minute or two, but then they’re overshadowed as reality sets in once more.

So what’s a person to do if they find their mind constantly wandering back to that “perfect love”?

Remember why you broke up to begin with. There had to be a reason. It wasn’t perfect, and if you can keep a balanced look at guy18everything you’ll see why things couldn’t possibly work out.

If need be, focus on the bad things and knock out the good. It may seem cruel, but if it will help you get over them and move on you should do it. I’m not saying your should cheapen whatever great times you had, I’m just saying if you have to move on then you do whatever you need to in order to make that happen.

Give someone else a fair chance to win your heart. The poor guy or gal might be better for you than anything you’d ever imagined, but if you don’t give them a chance to prove it you’ll stay lonely and pining away for “the one” forever. Really, truly, honestly move on as best you can and don’t allow yourself to think of that other person as you’re with the new one. You never know…it might be better than you’d ever imagined it could be.

Is It Really Worth the Wait?

September 7, 2009

I have a friend who is currently dating a “good girl”. She is, for the most part, rather chaiste in their relationship. Don’t get me wrong, the shirt’s been off and the upstairs merchandise has been tasted and handled freely, but she’s drawn the line at the belt and won’t let my friend any further until he buys the diamond key that’ll open the doors to–as she promises–“paradise”.

Now here’s where it gets tricky. No man that I’ve couplemet wants to knowingly marry the town slut, but at the same time there is something to be said for experience. Some guys want to walk into a marriage with a clean slate (and there’s nothing wrong with that), but there are down sides to consider.

First, if she really is “untouched merchandise”, then how in the world can you honestly believe she’s going to enjoy sex as much as she’s telling you she will? Let’s be honest, there are those women who just don’t care for it all that much. It might be because they’ve never had a good lover, or it just might be because they were told it was naughty when they were little, or it might be because they just don’t like it. However, it’s impossible to tell this without first having experienced it. Waiting until you’ve slipped the diamond on the finger is dangerous because you just might not be buying yourself a life of monogamy…it might be a life of celibacy. happy-couple

Second, how on earth will you know if you’re compatible? Maybe she’s thrilled by lights-out missionary stuff while you love middle-of-the-afternoon multi-position gymnastics. Or perhaps she thinks three times a week is plenty while you think it’s what’s known as “a good start”.It’s a real bad day when you find this all out after it’s legal and gets too expensive for a breakup.

Third, if you’re experienced and she’s not, keep in mind you’re going to have to invest a lot of time early on to keep her going for the rest of your life together. If she’s “new to this” then you’re going to have to really be careful at the beginning. If you do something too fast or too wrong, it could really affect her perception of sex (“It hurts too much”, “It feels so dirty”, etc) and could turn a girl who’s genuinely interested in pleasing her husband into a girl who never wants to be touched like that again. You’re going to have to be a really patient person, at least at the beginning.

All that being said, I guess it’s all a matter of personal preference. Is waiting worth the risk of finding out she’s not that great? But then again, is pushing things too far for her worth damaging the relationship in the future?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting until after The happy couple cut the cakeyou’re married if you want to. I don’t make fun of people who choose that route (I respect it, actually) but there are a lot of challenges for folks who do choose to stay “hands off” until it’s final.

If you do choose to wait, then make sure you both discuss everything openly and frankly. Even if she (or you) have no clue as to what’s coming on the wedding night, you need to talk about what you’re expecting if nothing else. She might be thinking “romantic comedy” while you’re thinking “unbridled passion”, and these are important differences to seriously consider. Trust me when I say it’s a terrible thing to have two wildly differing opinions on what’s supposed to be happening at that moment.

Despite what you may hear or see on television and movies, I’ve known a lot of really happysexy-hispanic-couple-lg-new couples of waited until after their wedding night to enjoy the physical aspect of their relationship. Sometimes they’ll actually surprise you. This is absolutely a true story: I went to a couple’s house to have dinner with them one night. I asked to use their restroom and they told me to use the one in the master bedroom. I went down the hall and into their bedroom only to find a video camera set up on a tripod and pointed directly at the unmade bed. This was a “good” couple who were Sunday School teachers and had waited until after the vows to tear the clothes off. I never made mention of what I’d seen, but I always smile when I see them, thinking about what they must have said after I’d left and they realized what they’d inadvertently made me privy to.

So is it worth the wait? That’s a matter of personal preference more than anything else. It’s definitely not an easy choice to make, but when it works out it can really work out well. Of course, when it doesn’t work out, that’s never a pretty picture either.

By the way, in my friend’s case this time out I think he’s very safe. The girl is very creative in other getting-frisky-outside-lg-newaspects of her life, dresses in clothes so low-cut and tight as to leave little to the imagination (showing she’s not going to be a “lights-out, don’t look at me” type prude later on), and has no qualms or boundaries on how or where it’s supposed to happen after they’re married (if anything, she’s just a tad freaky). While my friend could easily seduce her one night after a super-romantic date, I think in his case it would lead to “morning after” regrets on her part that would ultimately end the relationship. So sometimes waiting really is the best answer if you’re looking for more than a one night stand.