“Fun” Married Games

March 16, 2009

I’ve spoken of marriage before, but this is something every married guy can relate to. Forget Monopoly, Scrabble, Chess or Poker…when you get married you get to play allllllll sorts of new games that single people get to miss out on. If you’re single, I’m about to give you a little glimpse into married life. I’ve given you some advice before, and you can consider this a heads-up for what’s ahead.

Of course, knowing that the game is coming doesn’t help you. These games have fluid rules, and often begin hours before you ever realize your wife has begun playing it.

1. “Guess What’s Wrong” 563499819_8c345ce6ef

This fun little game occurs when you walk in the room to find your normally-cheerful wife sulking with a look of utter anger on her face. You suddenly find yourself Sherlock Holmes trying your best to unravel this mystery before it’s too late.

First thing is to think of everything you’re hiding from her. If you’re covered, then you might just get lucky. There’s every chance that her family has insulted her, a close friend talked about her behind her back and she found out, or she weighed herself and found the scale unfriendly. You can still make it out of this game alive.

The key here is to find out what’s wrong and then take her side in the argument. Whatever happened, whoever said something, they were wrong. Just hope and pray it’s not something you did, because then you move into the next game…

2. “Guess What You Did”42-15457698

Again, you walk in and find your beautiful wife staring at you like she is killing you with her mind. Before you can say a word, she says “Do you want to talk to me about anything?”

This one encompasses everything. Maybe you forgot her birthday or your anniversary. Maybe she caught you staring at a woman in the mall. Maybe some friend called and ratted you out about something you said or did at work. Did you talk in your sleep? Whatever it was, you are now officially a dead man. There is no way out of this game alive.

Unfortunately, the biggest hurdle in this is the fact that you have to guess what she caught you at. In the process, you could inadvertently confess to something she hasn’t discovered yet. Obviously this is dangerous ground.

The fun part of this game comes from the fact that it can actually involve things you didn’t do, but did. For example, if she dreams that you had an affair with her sister, then she will wake up convinced that you were having torrid sex with her sibling. Will she be mad at her sister for being such an unabashed tart? Nope, she’ll blame you for the whole thing.

Of course, be happy. If she could see what you were actually dreaming she’d really be ticked off. After all, you were banging her sister…and that cute girl from work.

3. “Sudden Death Trick Questions” woman mad digi_gif

Here’s a fun one because it’s not a matter of what you know here…it’s a matter of finding a way to answer the question properly to avoid dire consequences. For example, she’s stepping off the scale with tears in her eyes. She says, “Have I gained weight?”

Understand something, she knows the answer to this question. The scale has just confirmed her fears. The obvious answer is, “Well, baby, let’s just say I don’t think you’d be fitting into your wedding dress anytime soon.” Of course, this is the wrong answer.

How about this one: you’re talking about her co-workers and she mentions this goddess she works with that you’ve seen (and remembered vividly). She says, “Do you think she’s pretty?”

Again, she knows the answer to this. If you say no, she’ll call you a liar and suddenly use this against you every time you compliment her for the next month (“Yeah, you say I’m pretty, but we both know what kind of liar you are!”). If you say yes, then she will force you to keep your eyes open and focused on hers every moment the two of you have sex for fear you’re fantasizing about this girl. It’s an incredibly creepy experience, trust me.

Or the classic “Do these pants make my butt look big?” The obvious answer is “No, baby, your butt really is big and those pants just accentuate it because they’re tight.” Again, this is the wrong answer and I would highly suggest you not use it.

4. “Catch-Up Argument”img_episode2_a

This is a blast! Your wife thinks about something you said or did hours, days, or even months ago. She begins a fight in her mind with you, and her “mind-you” says some pretty stupid things. Now, the real you has been at work or golfing somewhere, expecting to come home and possibly get a little evening nookie. What you can’t possibly know is just how bad things are getting.

You arrive home to find her seething in anger, as she has taken some idle comment you made weeks ago and turned it into a purposeful insult that was aimed at her very core. The argument began hours ago, and you–the poor, pitiful sap that you now are–have just wandered into it unprepared. There is no hope in this one. All you can do is pray to make it out alive.

board-game-t9570 So as you can see, there’s never a dull moment to being married (unless you’re lucky). It’s game night every single night of the week!

Now if only Parker Brothers could come up with a board game version of this stuff, your single friends could possibly understand why you’re trembling in fear when you hang up the cell phone and say, “Uh, I gotta get home.”


Tips for Guys to Get Out of the Friend Zone

March 9, 2009

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Note: If you don’t have a sense of humor, DO NOT read this. Sometimes the truth hurts. You have been warned.

Ok, so last time I spent most of the time trying to reason with the ladies and work to getting the “good guys” a shot at the woman of his dreams. Well, when has that ever really worked anyway? So now, it’s time to take it straight to the guys. You want the girl but you’re stuck as a friend wanting more? Well, if you’ll follow my plan you’ll be wearing her mattress out in no time.

Beautiful women want the men who are “bad” and will treat them like trash. They want the man who will sleep with them and then forget their phone number. They want the man who will say “I’ll call you” and then never call and force the girl to keep you up until 2AM with her sob stories. So what we have to do is take you, Mister Nice Guy, and turn you into the bad boy she craves.

“But she knows all about me! How can she think I’m a bad boy?” Do me a favor: stop your whining, shut up, and take notes. Here’s the step-by-step guide you need to bed the lady who calls you her “best guy friend”.

1. Black clothes and/or leather must become your wardrobe. 770753960j7jbpntShe wants the bad boy, you must become the bad boy. Now this is going to be dependent upon the individual woman (and if you’re really that close of a friend you’ll know exactly what she’s looking for). Obviously, this can’t be a drastic “Hey, I’m a different person now” change. If you’re a jeans-and-t-shirt kind of guy, slowly move away from that. Change your shirt or pants first to whatever is more like what she is looking for. After a couple of weeks, start changing up the rest of your wardrobe.

As you gradually move toward the darker clothes, your mood must change as well. No more “Mister Funny”. Remember: she’s looking for the dark, troubled soul. Look like you’re always wrestling some personal demons or something.

2. You must have a perfect “broken childhood” story. Women flock to that crap like crazy. There’s just something about that broken childhood guy21thing that pulls out the “I must shelter him” instinct in a woman–and you can take advantage of it!

“But I don’t have a broken childhood and I’m not creative enough to lie like that!” You’re whining again. Stop it. Here’s the highlights of your childhood. Hopefully you can fill in the blanks along the way:

a) Parents separated/Dad disappeared when you were 7

b) Abused by your uncle/neighbor/older brother and forced to fight for your every meal

c) Thought you’d found love when you were 17, but she broke your heart. “I mean, teenage relationships never work out, do they? But I was just too stupid to see that then. I thought she was the one.”

d) Attempted/considered suicide after previous breakup and are now convinced you’ll “never find the one after all”.

e) You get so scared sometimes when you’re alone and wish the pain would just go away

But what if she knows all about your childhood already? What if she’s met your parents and you can’t pull that line on her? Relax, I’m here.

Next time she’s at your apartment, you have a picture of your “parents” prominently displayed somewhere so she’s going to accidentally see it and mention it. Let your eyes lock on the picture as you walk slowly up to it and take it gently from her hand (if you can rip out a nose hair before turning around so your eyes are watering, this will sell big time), then lay it face down on the table and say “Yeah, they were so great to me. They loved me just like I was their real son.” And now you’ve opened a big box of “mysterious past” and you can go from there.

3. Every conversation must end with: “Yeah, but who cares what you think anyway, b****?” Remember the goal here: you want to feel her sweaty bod under you crying out your name. That means you’re going to have to get a little ugly from time to time. She wants a guy who “doesn’t appreciate her”, and that will be you. Her opinion doesn’t matter to you anymore, and you aren’t afraid to let her know it.

4. 95% jerk, 5% “hidden, scared little boy inside”. With all the crappy treatment, there still has to be some tiny gem inside that only she can see. guy18When you are alone with her, when the moment is right you let her peek inside to some “scared little boy in there who just wants to be loved”. Don’t wimp out here and go all pansy, but just give her enough tenderness to sell it.

Give her the tiniest bone to hold on to as she’s being told by the other girls that she needs to drop you–the jerk she’s going out with–and find a real man. She can then say, “But you don’t see him like I do. He’s really a good man inside.” Of course you’re a good man and you’ve been on the whole time! It’s just that now she’s actually seeing that through the “tortured soul” glasses.

5. Don’t call her…make her call you. Again, women complain about it but it really captivates their mind. “Why doesn’t he call? Is he not interested?” That makes the woman think she isn’t good enough and suddenly this becomes a personal challenge on her part to get you.

I have a friend who used this exact tactic to get his wife. They’d go out, and he wouldn’t call her for a week or more. She had no idea what he was doing and it made her constantly think of him while she tried to figure him out. When he called, if she started getting upset about him not calling, he’d end the conversation and leave it at that. Of course, this only fed her anxiety more and she’d call and apologize. Soon he was actually going over to her house to fish at her private pond and ignore her completely until he wanted lunch and she’d better have made it…and she was falling more in love with him every week. Eventually she couldn’t take it any more and this church girl got nasty one Saturday evening. Soon there was a ring on his finger and he’d won the game. As a bonus, he can still ignore her when he feels like it to go fishing and it’s all just considered part of his personality.

guy3You think I’m mean and brutal? Nope, I’m honest. Disagree all you want to, but it’s the bad boy jerk who gets to suck the juice out of her ta-tas while you’re at home watching C.S.I. and wondering when she’s going to call.

I know these go against everything you’ve ever been taught to do for her, and it may not be your personality at all, but if you’ve tried the nice approach and gotten nowhere this is your next step. You want to move out of the friend zone and into relationship material? It’s going to take drastic measures.

Why are women attracted to the jerks instead of the guys who appreciate them? I have no clue. Maybe it’s just because deep down inside they just want to have something to complain about and cry over. You’ll never figure it out, so just do what you can to take advantage of it and get the “in” you need to be considered relationship material.

PLEASE NOTE: This article is a gentle…mean…whatever poke at relationships. It’s meant as satire. Please don’t start carrying torches and pitchforks looking to hunt me down or anything. However, if you do use my advice and get the girl, more power to you.