I’ve spoken of marriage before, but this is something every married guy can relate to. Forget Monopoly, Scrabble, Chess or Poker…when you get married you get to play allllllll sorts of new games that single people get to miss out on. If you’re single, I’m about to give you a little glimpse into married life. I’ve given you some advice before, and you can consider this a heads-up for what’s ahead.
Of course, knowing that the game is coming doesn’t help you. These games have fluid rules, and often begin hours before you ever realize your wife has begun playing it.
This fun little game occurs when you walk in the room to find your normally-cheerful wife sulking with a look of utter anger on her face. You suddenly find yourself Sherlock Holmes trying your best to unravel this mystery before it’s too late.
First thing is to think of everything you’re hiding from her. If you’re covered, then you might just get lucky. There’s every chance that her family has insulted her, a close friend talked about her behind her back and she found out, or she weighed herself and found the scale unfriendly. You can still make it out of this game alive.
The key here is to find out what’s wrong and then take her side in the argument. Whatever happened, whoever said something, they were wrong. Just hope and pray it’s not something you did, because then you move into the next game…
Again, you walk in and find your beautiful wife staring at you like she is killing you with her mind. Before you can say a word, she says “Do you want to talk to me about anything?”
This one encompasses everything. Maybe you forgot her birthday or your anniversary. Maybe she caught you staring at a woman in the mall. Maybe some friend called and ratted you out about something you said or did at work. Did you talk in your sleep? Whatever it was, you are now officially a dead man. There is no way out of this game alive.
Unfortunately, the biggest hurdle in this is the fact that you have to guess what she caught you at. In the process, you could inadvertently confess to something she hasn’t discovered yet. Obviously this is dangerous ground.
The fun part of this game comes from the fact that it can actually involve things you didn’t do, but did. For example, if she dreams that you had an affair with her sister, then she will wake up convinced that you were having torrid sex with her sibling. Will she be mad at her sister for being such an unabashed tart? Nope, she’ll blame you for the whole thing.
Of course, be happy. If she could see what you were actually dreaming she’d really be ticked off. After all, you were banging her sister…and that cute girl from work.
Here’s a fun one because it’s not a matter of what you know here…it’s a matter of finding a way to answer the question properly to avoid dire consequences. For example, she’s stepping off the scale with tears in her eyes. She says, “Have I gained weight?”
Understand something, she knows the answer to this question. The scale has just confirmed her fears. The obvious answer is, “Well, baby, let’s just say I don’t think you’d be fitting into your wedding dress anytime soon.” Of course, this is the wrong answer.
How about this one: you’re talking about her co-workers and she mentions this goddess she works with that you’ve seen (and remembered vividly). She says, “Do you think she’s pretty?”
Again, she knows the answer to this. If you say no, she’ll call you a liar and suddenly use this against you every time you compliment her for the next month (“Yeah, you say I’m pretty, but we both know what kind of liar you are!”). If you say yes, then she will force you to keep your eyes open and focused on hers every moment the two of you have sex for fear you’re fantasizing about this girl. It’s an incredibly creepy experience, trust me.
Or the classic “Do these pants make my butt look big?” The obvious answer is “No, baby, your butt really is big and those pants just accentuate it because they’re tight.” Again, this is the wrong answer and I would highly suggest you not use it.
This is a blast! Your wife thinks about something you said or did hours, days, or even months ago. She begins a fight in her mind with you, and her “mind-you” says some pretty stupid things. Now, the real you has been at work or golfing somewhere, expecting to come home and possibly get a little evening nookie. What you can’t possibly know is just how bad things are getting.
You arrive home to find her seething in anger, as she has taken some idle comment you made weeks ago and turned it into a purposeful insult that was aimed at her very core. The argument began hours ago, and you–the poor, pitiful sap that you now are–have just wandered into it unprepared. There is no hope in this one. All you can do is pray to make it out alive.
Now if only Parker Brothers could come up with a board game version of this stuff, your single friends could possibly understand why you’re trembling in fear when you hang up the cell phone and say, “Uh, I gotta get home.”