She cries because no guy “gets” her. She calls you for hours to tell you her problems and how she wishes she could find a nice guy like you to fall in love with. She comes over to your apartment with ice cream and some rented DVD to watch movies and “cuddle” on the couch with you.
You are everything she’s always complaining about wanting in a boyfriend. You listen to her and can actually quote back whole sentences of what she’s said. You know her favorite color, book, food, movie, and childhood memory. You could, without hesitation, plan out the most romantic, seductive date to take her on simply because you know exactly what turns her on and what she wants in “the perfect night”.
You are allowed to stroke her hair, pat her back, even occasionally hold her hand and “accidentally” brush her boobs more than once as you’re reaching for the remote. And once, in a moment of weakness, she made out with you and then afterward forced you to agree it was a mistake and should never happen again.
Honestly, I get so sick and tired of hearing women complain about how they can’t find that perfect man–when most of the time they’re talking to him! Beautiful women seem to be the most insecure as well. The more beautiful she is, the worse off it gets. She’ll say she wants someone to love her for “her”, not just that pretty package. She says this to a guy who has listened to her entire life story and dating horror history for hours on end. She says this to a guy who has never failed to answer the phone when she called, even if he was with another girl. She says this to a guy who can tell her about every dimple she has, every twinkle she gets in her eyes when she talks about puppies, and even knows her bra size while never having seen the goods simply because she talks about how hard it is to find them on sale at Victoria’s Secret. She says this to a guy who is danger of losing his job for replying to the steady stream of text messages she sends throughout the day.
This is the curse of every man: to find yourself the close friend to a woman who is perfect for you, and whom you are perfect for as well…but she is too stupid to admit it and give you a chance.
She says she doesn’t care about looks so much as finding her soulmate, but you know as well as I do that is a lie. Looks matter more to her than they do to anyone else, but you can’t say anything about it without revealing how you really feel.
And let’s be honest: she knows how you feel. She may be stupid enough to constantly chase after “bad boys” when she knows they’re going to break her heart, but she’s not so stupid that she can’t read the wistful look in your eyes as you listen to her drone on again about your dreams and wishes for the future.
We are the one man who would actually appreciate you. You wouldn’t have to call us to “see where this relationship is going”…you would never doubt how we feel. When we kiss you, we are the one who doesn’t automatically add to you a tally of running chicks we’ve bagged, but who appreciates this for the amazing moment it is. And if some glorious day we are finally allowed to share your bed we are the one who will put everything we are into making that night incredible for you, and not just another notch in our bedpost for us. We may not look like Brad Pitt, but I swear we can make you feel like you’ve just experienced the living embodiment of love-making rather than the “Ok, I’m done, see you in the morning” sex you get from you “Mister Right Now”. You want what you see in the movies…that is us, given the chance.
So here comes my gripe: Ladies, I am officially removing the privilege you have of talking to a lovestruck “friend” complaining about how you’ll never find someone to care about you. Complain to your girlfriends, your mom, or your sister, but don’t come to us about it. If we are important enough to you that you will invest 40% or more of your life to, then we are important enough to deserve a shot at your love. Hey, maybe we try and it won’t happen–and if not, we can live with that–but at least give us the opportunity to screw things up and not have to play “What If?” for the rest of our lives.
Imagine this, ladies: one day you look across the kitchen table at the man you’ve woken up next to for the past ten years and suddenly realize he’s still your best friend in the world! He still listens to your boring childhood stories with rapt attention and knows the exact trinket to pick up at the mall for you on his way home to cheer you up when you’re depressed. And it all changed when you decided there was a certain sexiness in friendship after all.
And you’ll be glad you gave him the chance.
Oh, and when that happens, you can thank me for saying to your face what your “friend” has been telling his buddies over his beer for the past hundred months.
Best friends can make the best lovers and spouses.
And that’s the truth.