Time to Exit the Friend Zone

February 25, 2009

loveShe cries because no guy “gets” her. She calls you for hours to tell you her problems and how she wishes she could find a nice guy like you to¬† fall in love with. She comes over to your apartment with ice cream and some rented DVD to watch movies and “cuddle” on the couch with you.

You are everything she’s always complaining about wanting in a boyfriend. You listen to her and can actually quote back whole sentences of what she’s said. You know her favorite color, book, food, movie, and childhood memory. You could, without hesitation, plan out the most romantic, seductive date to take her on simply because you know exactly what turns her on and what she wants in “the perfect night”.

You are allowed to stroke her hair, pat her back, even occasionally hold her hand and “accidentally” brush her boobs more than once as you’re reaching for the remote. And once, in a moment of weakness, she made out with you and then afterward forced you to agree it was a mistake and should never happen again.

Are you the man of her dreams? No, you are her friend.vigad3

Honestly, I get so sick and tired of hearing women complain about how they can’t find that perfect man–when most of the time they’re talking to him! Beautiful women seem to be the most insecure as well. The more beautiful she is, the worse off it gets. She’ll say she wants someone to love her for “her”, not just that pretty package. She says this to a guy who has listened to her entire life story and dating horror history for hours on end. She says this to a guy who has never failed to answer the phone when she called, even if he was with another girl. She says this to a guy who can tell her about every dimple she has, every twinkle she gets in her eyes when she talks about puppies, and even knows her bra size while never having seen the goods simply because she talks about how hard it is to find them on sale at Victoria’s Secret. She says this to a guy who is danger of losing his job for replying to the steady stream of text messages she sends throughout the day.

This is the curse of every man: to find yourself the close friend to a woman who is perfect for you, and whom you are perfect for as well…but she is too stupid to admit it and give you a chance.

man-feeding-girl1She says she doesn’t care about looks so much as finding her soulmate, but you know as well as I do that is a lie. Looks matter more to her than they do to anyone else, but you can’t say anything about it without revealing how you really feel.

And let’s be honest: she knows how you feel. She may be stupid enough to constantly chase after “bad boys” when she knows they’re going to break her heart, but she’s not so stupid that she can’t read the wistful look in your eyes as you listen to her drone on again about your dreams and wishes for the future.

We are the one man who would actually appreciate you. You wouldn’t have to call us to “see where this relationship is going”…you would never doubt how we feel. When we kiss you, we are the one who doesn’t automatically add to you a tally of running chicks we’ve bagged, but who appreciates this for the amazing moment it is. And if some glorious day we are finally allowed to share your bed we are the one who will put everything we are into making that night incredible for you, and not just another notch in our bedpost for us. We may not look like Brad Pitt, but I swear we can make you feel like you’ve just experienced the living embodiment of love-making rather than the “Ok, I’m done, see you in the morning” sex you get from you “Mister Right Now”. You want what you see in the movies…that is us, given the chance.

So here comes my gripe: Ladies, I am officially removing the2heads privilege you have of talking to a lovestruck “friend” complaining about how you’ll never find someone to care about you. Complain to your girlfriends, your mom, or your sister, but don’t come to us about it. If we are important enough to you that you will invest 40% or more of your life to, then we are important enough to deserve a shot at your love. Hey, maybe we try and it won’t happen–and if not, we can live with that–but at least give us the opportunity to screw things up and not have to play “What If?” for the rest of our lives.

Imagine this, ladies: one day you look across the kitchen table at the man bedtalkyou’ve woken up next to for the past ten years and suddenly realize he’s still your best friend in the world! He still listens to your boring childhood stories with rapt attention and knows the exact trinket to pick up at the mall for you on his way home to cheer you up when you’re depressed. And it all changed when you decided there was a certain sexiness in friendship after all.

And you’ll be glad you gave him the chance.

Oh, and when that happens, you can thank me for saying to your face what your “friend” has been telling his buddies over his beer for the past hundred months.

Best friends can make the best lovers and spouses.

And that’s the truth.


Movies That Define a Man…and Why

February 19, 2009

We are men, we love movies. And believe it or not, there are those movies we watch that actually inspire us. We see certain scenes that make us want to jump for joy, cheer out loud, or go take on the world. Here are some of the movies that change us, and why (warning: there are few romantic scenes in here).

1. Tombstone.tombstone Watching Kurt Russell as Wyatt Earp slapping Billy Bob Thornton’s face and daring him to slap leather will get a man’s blood racing every time. Why? We realize the moxy it would take to stand there unarmed and dare someone to be man enough to draw a gun that man knows we’re going to shove up his rear and pull the trigger of. Add to that the way Wyatt sticks up for his family. Someone hurts his brothers, he forms a posse and hunts them all down until they’re dead. Game over.

Val Kilmer’s Doc Holliday is a real treat as well. Even though he’s hacking up a lung for most of the film, he still exudes confidence and wit as he faces down Johnny Ringo and the other cowboys. And that final showdown? Amazing.

Guys love this film simply because it has it all. A strong sense of family, plenty of action, men who aren’t afraid to stand up for themselves despite overwhelming odds, and the good guy gets the pretty girl in the end. Real life in a perfect world.

The only potential downside to this flick is that you’ll have to listen to your man saying “I’m your huckleberry” for the next three days.

2. Die Hard. die-hardOne man against armed terrorists. Bring it.

Bruce Willis became the ultimate action star to men in the 80’s with this film. He wasn’t in the best shape, he was losing his hair, he was having marriage problems…basically, he was most of the men in the audience. But when the time came he threw down and wasn’t afraid to take the fight to them.

This is the one movie you’ll find in almost every man’s top ten, and the reason why is no mystery. We love this movie simply because John McClane is the man we all hope we could be if we found ourselves in a building taken over by terrorists. The pressure mounts around him throughout the film, but he always takes it in stride and no matter when comes he keeps fighting back–and winning. Most guys would wet themselves if they had to look over the edge of a 50 story building and get ready to jump off with nothing but a water hose attached to them, but we all like to imagine that would be us if the need arose.

Another catchphrase in this film as well…though it’s doubtful he’ll be saying this one around the kids or pastor.

3. Raiders of the Lost Ark.raiders-of-the-lost-ark What does a bullwhip-snapping archaeologist have that makes him something men pay attention to? A life of action and adventure. Indiana Jones is just an ordinary guy out to do something simply extraordinary with his life. If he succeeds, the good guys win. If he fails, the world suffers.

Any guy who saw this movie as a kid in the 80’s left that theater wondering where he could get a bullwhip and a fedora. 20 years later, anytime the credits roll on the film, we still wish we had them. You think I’m joking? Stand in a crowd and you’re almost guaranteed to find at least one guy with the “Raiders” theme song as his phone’s ringtone.

Why does this story stand out? While we basically live a drone life of work and home with a week’s vacation where the most exotic thing we see is Disneyworld, Indiana Jones is waking up in a new country every week, running for his life from Nazis before lunch, and saving the world before dinner. He’s the adventurer we all wish we could be. He’s the life of excitement we all wish we had. If adventure had a name…it would be us.

4. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (or any of the “Vacation” films). national-lampoons-christmas-vacation-1989Clark W. Griswold just can’t get it right. No matter how hard he tries, his “nice family trips” always end in disaster. Something bad always happens to him, and he never gets it right. So why would this type of movie define a man? Because we always see ourselves in Clark.

Yes, we may imagine life as Wyatt Earp or Indiana Jones, but truth be told we’re mostly just Clark Griswold, trying to survive the holidays or vacations with our dignity intact. We go on trips we can hardly afford to places we don’t want to be and spend time with relatives we don’t really know. We try to look cool, but oftentimes we end up looking anything but. Truth is, we’re just trying to be a dad who is fondly remembered by his kids when they start their own holiday memories years from now.

Of course, if Christie Brinkley (or whatever her modern-day equivilent would be) ever wanted to go skinny dipping in a hotel pool with us in the middle of the night, I’d like to think we could keep our mouths shut no matter how cold the water was.