Here’s the original article, complete with the comments that pretty much demanded this update.
I never meant this topic to get such a heated response from the ladies, but it’s a nice look at things from the other perspective. I’m not saying the failure in any relationship is necessarily one-sided. It takes two working together to make it work, yet the idea of just letting him go on if he’s so insecure as to not get his needs met is a little unfair. While men stray for lack of physical intimacy, women also stray–though theirs is usually for lack of emotional intimacy. There are numerous affairs begun by women who are temporarily overwhelmed by the attention a co-worker has lavished on them, thinking their husband doesn’t pay enough attention to them. The difference is that men in affairs usually end up with women who are nowhere near as pretty as their wife, while women usually end up in affairs with men who are better looking than their husbands (Brad Pitt’s little swap from Aniston to Jolie is the exception to the rule). Kind of seems like looks do matter for everyone after all, eh?
Yes, women can have a lot going on just like men can. Actually, women can have a busier life than their husbands because of having to tend to children, household duties, etc…but that doesn’t discount the fact that a passionless relationship is ripe for failure. I’m not saying you have to attack him every time he walks through the door or do something freaky on every piece of furniture you have in the house, but there HAS to be moments of passion in there somewhere. Does “passion” equal “sex”? No. If all you can do is just kiss him like he’s been away in the military for six months, then do it. Grab him as he walks through the house and give him the most fierce hug you can and make it last a while until he hugs back and realizes he’s really important to you. Leave him a note in his briefcase or an email that will not only make his day but will let him know you thought about him. All of these things are “passion” in a relationship! And if you aren’t interested in investing the time in the relationship and have a “if you don’t like it, then go somewhere else” attitude about it then you can’t complain when they do.
If the physical aspect of your relationship is so boring, let him know. If he’s a two-pump-chump and that’s all he’s ever going to be, I’m sorry; most men, however, want to improve given the chance and motivation. If he gets no input from you rather than a halfhearted “Ok, let’s get this over with” then he has no reason to improve. Tell him what you want–exactly!–and give him a chance to improve. If he does, then reciprocate and briefly bless his freaky dreams with something out of the ordinary. I’m not talking about every night, but if your relationship isn’t worth investing at least one night every two weeks into it, then for heaven’s sake get out of it and stop wasting your time!
And I absolutely wholeheartedly agree that men need to break out the housework, silk boxers, and new moves as needed. Keep it fresh! However, the only thing that cripples that oftentimes is a simple thing a lot of women fail to realize: a man who puts himself out there in silk boxers or new moves is making himself vulnerable and stretching the comfort zone, so telling him no or the “give me a break” look will likely kill that forever. Yes, I know a woman in a silk nightie is pretty doggone vulnerable, but movies and lingerie catalogs teach everyone that doing something like that isn’t considered “vulnerable” for a woman, but “sexy like you won’t believe”. Even a man who might have had a hard day at work will wake up quickly when his wife walks in like that. And if he’s not really into it, it takes little to no effort to get him that way for a woman. Men, on the other hand, fight a losing battle if she’s not into it. Women generally have more self-confidence than men as well. If he says no, she’s like “Fine, I didn’t want you anyway”. If SHE says no, he’s thinking “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get her into it anymore?” Yep, it’s shallow and petty, but the title of this blog should have warned you there’s not a lot of deep discussions coming.
So if my original article got you thinking I was blaming everything on one side of the relationship, I’m sorry. That’s not the point. Men are lazy in relationships too. Few have it all figured out. As a matter of fact, I wrote this article to pretty much blame most affairs on the men in the relationship, so give me a little credit.
And to just finish it all off, my original article intent was any relationship needed spice to keep it alive. That remains true. You can become solid good buddies trekking through life together like cool roomies and be “acquaintances”…or you can have this awesome James Bond/Lara Croft relationship that never gets old. One takes little to no work and can just coast along fine, while the other takes work and effort, has staying power, and is the envy of every other couple you know.