Previously I wrote about those fun games you can play as a married couple. Now I think it’s time to mention those fun games you get to play when you’re still dating. It’s such a magical time in a relationship, and there’s so much that can go wrong–if you plan it right!

1) What Are You Looking At?

This is a fun one! You’re sitting there talking to this hot girl on a date that you think is going pretty well. Eventually you notice her gaze keeps drifting from your eyes to another part of your face. It could be your teeth, it could be your nose, it could be your forehead or cheek…all you know is she’s looking at something!

Now you become paranoid. Do I have something in my teeth? Did a zit suddenly pop up somewhere on my face? Is there a booger hanging on my nose?

This is where the fun part sets in. The fast and easy way to handle this is to just get up and go to the bathroom to check it out. Of course, who likes the easy way? Instead, you drink something and swish it around in your mouth hoping to clean your teeth, or you lean forward and cover your cheek with your hand, or you try to signal the waiter and when she looks away you wipe your nose for all you’re worth.

How do you win this game? You don’t until you get up and check it all out. The fun part of this game, however, isn’t playing it, but making someone else play it. Next time you’re on a date that you want to get out of, just casually glance at her nose a lot. When she picks it up and excuses herself to go to the restroom, you pay the check and bolt!

2) Guess Who!

You talked to her at the party and have her number. You’ve waited long enough and decide to place the call. This is the one, you’re sure of it! You call her up and she answers with an uncertain “Hello?”.

“Hey,” you say in your most sexy cool voice. “It’s me.”

A pause. Then an uncertain, “Hey, you. How are you?”

Now you are faced with a dilemma. It’s obvious she doesn’t know who in the world she’s talking to right now. Should you enlighten her, which makes it obvious you didn’t make that big of an impression on her? Or should you keep talking and act like it’s her fault and she should catch up quickly or you’re gone.

This is one of those rare games that isn’t fun for either party. If you’re the caller, you have suddenly been dealt the biggest blow to your ego imagineable. If you’re the call-ee, you are stuck with this awkward moment of trying to remember if this was the cute one you talked to while you were sober, or did things go really south after you started drinking?

3) The Great Escape

You’re on a date with this girl you know from work and it’s apparent things are not going well for you. She’s into you but there’s just something about her that isn’t clicking on your end. Maybe it’s her laugh, or maybe it’s the way she eats, or maybe it’s how she chatters incessantly, but there’s something that demands you flee immediately. The problem is that you can’t be rude because you see this person on a regular basis and it would really make things awkward at work, or you’d have to change coffee shops, or something.

Now the game begins: How can you get away without making it look like you’re trying to get away? What excuse can you use that will sound reasonable without being impossible to back up with physical proof? You can say your landlord called because someone broke into your apartment, but what if she follows you there to make sure you’re ok? Sick grandmother? That might work unless she knows another member of your family or a close friend.

This can be a challenging game, but fun. Consider it a survival situation and you’re Survivorman. How can you use what’s around you to formulate that perfect, untraceable escape? It ain’t easy, but it’s doable.

4) Awkward Moments

There are so many of these on a date that it’s possible to play this game all night long. The only problem is that this game isn’t any fun at all. Instead, for every time you play this one you automatically lose one value point in your date’s eyes. Lose enough, and she’s gonna be screaming in someone else’s sheets tonight.

Maybe it’s that moment when you mention how you hate cats, then she says she has two at her apartment who are her best friends. Maybe it’s when you accidentally mention your ex-girlfriend…for the third time that night. Or maybe it’s when you try that joke that killed with your friends, but the second before the punch line leaves your mouth you realize it’s one of those “You had to be there” jokes and it’s too late to stop it. Whatever it is, it’s the moment when you both just sort of force a smile at each other and scramble desperately for another conversation thread to pull before it all crashes and burns.

However, the worst of these moments is the easiest to identify. You’re working your magic by candlelight and soft music in the bedroom. She’s moving beneath you like a wildcat and you wish you could take notes because of how awesome you are at that moment. You can see by the expression on her face that she’s there when suddenly she says, “Oh, god, Carl, YES! YES! YES!”

The problem is your name is Ted.

Instant lose. Game over.

I was at Wal-Mart yesterday (carefully following the rules, by the way), when a woman zipped between the aisles and our eyes met. It’s one of those moments where you recognize something about the person, but not the whole person themselves. She stepped back out and it turned out she was a girl I had graduated with. Why didn’t I immediately recognize her? Well, she had a frumpy old woman hairstyle, frumpy old woman clothes, and a lot of frumpy old woman weight she didn’t have when we were in school together. After a few minutes, I realized, “Holy cow! She looks like my 8th grade science teacher!” Then a few seconds later, I realized “Holy cow! She’s older than my 8th grade science teacher was!”

“The years had not been kind” is what I guess I’m saying.

Now understand, she and I are the same age. We can see 40 on the horizon, but that’s still not too old. The difference is that somewhere along the line she aged 10 years more than she should have and turned into a 50 year old woman. What in the world happens to people?

Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t a goddess in high school or anything, but she looked decent and took care of herself (she reminded me a lot of Marsha Brady). Now she looked like she was auditioning for a “Golden Girls” revival or something.

I was hanging with some guys a couple of weeks ago and the discussion came up about age. When I mentioned how old I was, the others told me they would have never guessed it, but would have put me at late 20’s/early 30’s. That was a major compliment, as my wife is 8 years younger than me and the last thing I want is to be out somewhere and have someone say “Is this your daughter?” All you have to do is take care of yourself, right? Sometimes it’s good to say “No!” to that Twinkie!

So at which point does a person say “Ok, time to get old!” and suddenly think looking like an old school teacher is sexy?

One more true story: In high school there was this girl who was one year older than me. When she was a senior, she was absolutely the “hot girl” that everyone wanted. She and I were good friends and at one point she wanted to take it further, but I didn’t. She was hot, funny, nice, and had a great laugh. Want to know why I didn’t take it further? It was her mother.

I looked at this gorgeous girl and then I looked at her mother. The girl had long blond hair and amazing curves; her mother had a big bun of hair on her head and had long since buried any curves under excess weight. When I looked at this girl, I saw her mother and realized that’s what this girl might look like one day.

Five years ago, I saw this girl again. Let me say that a different way: Five years ago, I saw this girl’s mother again…but it was the girl. True to what I’d thought, this amazing woman had turned into her mother. The smile and personality were still there, but the hair was pulled up into a bun, and the curves that had captured the attention of every guy in high school had now turned into one big curve from shoulder to ankle.

I know that time has a way of getting to us all, but there are things we can do to at least slow the process. There’s no feeling on earth like the one where you see someone again after a few years and think, “Oh man, please tell me I don’t look that bad!”

Nobody looks like their senior picture after 20 years ( but man, the 80’s rocked!). I know that and can appreciate it. Still, who says you have to go from 35 to 50 overnight? If you’re only as old as you feel, go feel a 20 year-old or something!

So this girl I work with is so crazy hot it makes any man who sees her immediately stop what they’re doing to watch her walk down the hall. Though a little conceited she has a pretty good personality as well. She’s talented, smart, sexy as humanly possible, and fun to hang around. And she’s had almost 10 boyfriends this year.

Understand, she hasn’t slept with them all or anything. It’s just that she seems to always find a way to kill any relationship she gets in because she’s comparing him to “Bob”, the guy she considers “the one”. Bob broke up with her via email at the beginning of the year and let her know that he’d actually been seeing someone else for a few weeks as well. He cared for her and all, but he just didn’t see a future with her.

This was powerful because this was literally the first guy who had ever dumped this girl. She had always been the dump-er, and now she was the dump-ee. It did not go well.

And now, despite the fact that he cheated on her, she can’t let him go. Every relationship she gets in is automatically compared to this fantasized version of Bob. In her mind he’s not the cheating two-timer she hated with a passion as she finished that email. Instead, he’s the caring sensitive guy who loved her with all his heart.

So what is it about ex’s the keep people so enamored? Why can’t we move on sometimes when a relationship goes sour and ends?

First, it’s because of what we imagine might have been. We see ourselves waking up in the middle of the night and having this person roll over onto us for “movie love”. They wake up in the morning ready to go with their hair perfect and their breath fresh. They never get mad and always worship the ground we walk on. Of course, none of this happened while the relationship was going on, but that won’t stop us from imagining it.

When I was single, I had a girl who was a very good friend of mine. The years we were together were fun, and we were very close though we never took it to a physical level. Thinking back on it later, I reconsidered a lot of our conversations and realized there were times she was tentatively opening the door to me for more, and I never caught it or took it. Now when I think of what might have been I picture her doing incredibly athletic things to my body as I fight for every breath in a bliss I had never thought possible. Would it have really been that way? Probably not…but that’s just the way we are wired to see things. Rather than look at reality and see them as a real person, we lock them forever in our memories as “perfection”.

Second, time heals all wounds. The things that drove us away from them or annoyed the fire out of us are long forgotten as we concentrate instead on little things that meant so much. They might have been loud, or obnoxious, or even downright cruel at times…but there were those precious moments like when they picked up a candy bar for us while in the gas station, or when they reached for our hand in the dark during a movie. She might have been banging your brother, but when you picture her she’s this angel.

Third, something special happened at least once with them–and we keep hoping it will happen with someone else. It might have been incredibly deep conversations, or mind-blowing passion, or wonderful laughs, but something happened that made that person stick out. That one part of the relationship is usually what we hang on to, focus on, and desperately want to recreate. Most of the time, unfortunately, we can’t hope to.

In the case of the girl I work with, the guy she’s so hung up on was “her first”, and as such he holds a place that no man can ever possibly hope to have. Almost everyone can remember their first time even decades later, so you can see what her future husband will be fighting against. It’s really unfair to hold any other guy up to the standard she’s placed “Bob” in (and she didn’t even think it was that great), but she’s holding out hope because she doesn’t want to be considered a tramp and wants to be a one-man-ever kind of woman.

Whatever the cause, it’s often unfair to think anyone else can ever measure up to this standard that has been placed on them. Ex’s sometimes get those special glorified places that can never be matched. How many times do we miss out on something better simply because we hang on to something we think was so incredible.

And the funny part? If we do find a way to make the relationship get another chance, it ends the same way. Those incredible moments we thought would forever move us may show up for a minute or two, but then they’re overshadowed as reality sets in once more.

So what’s a person to do if they find their mind constantly wandering back to that “perfect love”?

Remember why you broke up to begin with. There had to be a reason. It wasn’t perfect, and if you can keep a balanced look at everything you’ll see why things couldn’t possibly work out.

If need be, focus on the bad things and knock out the good. It may seem cruel, but if it will help you get over them and move on you should do it. I’m not saying your should cheapen whatever great times you had, I’m just saying if you have to move on then you do whatever you need to in order to make that happen.

Give someone else a fair chance to win your heart. The poor guy or gal might be better for you than anything you’d ever imagined, but if you don’t give them a chance to prove it you’ll stay lonely and pining away for “the one” forever. Really, truly, honestly move on as best you can and don’t allow yourself to think of that other person as you’re with the new one. You never know…it might be better than you’d ever imagined it could be.

I have a friend who is currently dating a “good girl”. She is, for the most part, rather chaiste in their relationship. Don’t get me wrong, the shirt’s been off and the upstairs merchandise has been tasted and handled freely, but she’s drawn the line at the belt and won’t let my friend any further until he buys the diamond key that’ll open the doors to–as she promises–”paradise”.

Now here’s where it gets tricky. No man that I’ve met wants to knowingly marry the town slut, but at the same time there is something to be said for experience. Some guys want to walk into a marriage with a clean slate (and there’s nothing wrong with that), but there are down sides to consider.

First, if she really is “untouched merchandise”, then how in the world can you honestly believe she’s going to enjoy sex as much as she’s telling you she will? Let’s be honest, there are those women who just don’t care for it all that much. It might be because they’ve never had a good lover, or it just might be because they were told it was naughty when they were little, or it might be because they just don’t like it. However, it’s impossible to tell this without first having experienced it. Waiting until you’ve slipped the diamond on the finger is dangerous because you just might not be buying yourself a life of monogamy…it might be a life of celibacy.

Second, how on earth will you know if you’re compatible? Maybe she’s thrilled by lights-out missionary stuff while you love middle-of-the-afternoon multi-position gymnastics. Or perhaps she thinks three times a week is plenty while you think it’s what’s known as “a good start”.It’s a real bad day when you find this all out after it’s legal and gets too expensive for a breakup.

Third, if you’re experienced and she’s not, keep in mind you’re going to have to invest a lot of time early on to keep her going for the rest of your life together. If she’s “new to this” then you’re going to have to really be careful at the beginning. If you do something too fast or too wrong, it could really affect her perception of sex (“It hurts too much”, “It feels so dirty”, etc) and could turn a girl who’s genuinely interested in pleasing her husband into a girl who never wants to be touched like that again. You’re going to have to be a really patient person, at least at the beginning.

All that being said, I guess it’s all a matter of personal preference. Is waiting worth the risk of finding out she’s not that great? But then again, is pushing things too far for her worth damaging the relationship in the future?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting until after you’re married if you want to. I don’t make fun of people who choose that route (I respect it, actually) but there are a lot of challenges for folks who do choose to stay “hands off” until it’s final.

If you do choose to wait, then make sure you both discuss everything openly and frankly. Even if she (or you) have no clue as to what’s coming on the wedding night, you need to talk about what you’re expecting if nothing else. She might be thinking “romantic comedy” while you’re thinking “unbridled passion”, and these are important differences to seriously consider. Trust me when I say it’s a terrible thing to have two wildly differing opinions on what’s supposed to be happening at that moment.

Despite what you may hear or see on television and movies, I’ve known a lot of really happy couples of waited until after their wedding night to enjoy the physical aspect of their relationship. Sometimes they’ll actually surprise you. This is absolutely a true story: I went to a couple’s house to have dinner with them one night. I asked to use their restroom and they told me to use the one in the master bedroom. I went down the hall and into their bedroom only to find a video camera set up on a tripod and pointed directly at the unmade bed. This was a “good” couple who were Sunday School teachers and had waited until after the vows to tear the clothes off. I never made mention of what I’d seen, but I always smile when I see them, thinking about what they must have said after I’d left and they realized what they’d inadvertently made me privy to.

So is it worth the wait? That’s a matter of personal preference more than anything else. It’s definitely not an easy choice to make, but when it works out it can really work out well. Of course, when it doesn’t work out, that’s never a pretty picture either.

By the way, in my friend’s case this time out I think he’s very safe. The girl is very creative in other aspects of her life, dresses in clothes so low-cut and tight as to leave little to the imagination (showing she’s not going to be a “lights-out, don’t look at me” type prude later on), and has no qualms or boundaries on how or where it’s supposed to happen after they’re married (if anything, she’s just a tad freaky). While my friend could easily seduce her one night after a super-romantic date, I think in his case it would lead to “morning after” regrets on her part that would ultimately end the relationship. So sometimes waiting really is the best answer if you’re looking for more than a one night stand.

I recently had a friend who was head over heels for this girl. She was hot and he was all over her. After about a month together, she told him she was in love with someone else, and they broke it off (she did allow him a few last-time liberties before they broke up to help soften the blow, so it wasn’t all bad). He moped a bit and we all knew why.

A week later, he was back again with her by his side. When I asked him what happened, he said the guy she had dumped him for had actually dumped her the very next day, so she came back to him and they were together again.

I was completely blown away! I said, “Wake up! You’re her ’second best’! She didn’t want you, but the guy she wanted wouldn’t have anything to do with her!”

His reaction: “Well, at least we’re together again.”

So let’s play this scenario together and see where you stand. This is your manhood test, so think hard before you answer: What would you do? Would you take a woman back who you know for a fact would rather be with another guy, it’s just that the other guy doesn’t want her?

In my friend’s defense, he is, in essence, enjoying no-strings-attached rebound sex with this girl right now. She’s thrown off the restraints in an effort to get back at the guy who hurt her (even though that guy literally couldn’t care less about what she’s doing right now). So yes, there are positives to the situation…but consider everything.

“Second best” is a pathetic place to be in a relationship. You may eventually fool yourself into thinking you’ve won her over, but there will always be that nagging feeling that she’s just one phone call away from gone someday soon. While you’re thinking it’s a long-term relationship (and she may even do things to confirm that belief), she’s getting revenge on the guy who hurt her all the while secretly pining away for him again. And this might not be an issue for you, but just stop for a moment and realize who she’s really thinking of while you’re putting your best moves on her. You think Jennifer Aniston was really thinking of John Mayer all those times after Brad Pitt dumped her? Nope.

To top all that off, “second best” dramatically lowers your value to other women in your life who see you. They know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it, and you could actually miss out on some wonderful girl in the future simply because she sees this pathetic side of you. You’re either this lost puppy who can’t be alone, or this lecherous guy who uses women on the rebound for sex (that one might be true anyway, but you don’t want it to be obvious or it ruins your game).

It’s a decision you have to make for yourself. Are you ok with this doomed relationship and all it will do to you, or do you want to be a man and say “Hey, you had your chance with me. I don’t care how much he hurt you, you’re on your own.” You may hate to see her go, but if she actually has to work to get you back, it may improve your value in her eyes. She may actually see you in a different light and come around to your side of things.

Or just be there with open arms and hope for the best. And in case you’re wondering, she will indeed be gone if the other guy ever calls back. No matter how many times he hurts her, women have this strange tendency to sometimes find their self-worth in one particular relationship. They fool themselves into thinking he’s changed this time, even though he’s asking for a threesome with her sister. It’s a pathetic way to live, but don’t fool yourself. 

You are and always will be “second best” to her unless you man up and show your self-worth.

Oh, you read about it in magazines, you see it in movies, and you may hear guys talk about it when a hot girl walks by, but have you ever wondered what makes a woman stand out as sexy? Believe it or not, it’s not just the “WOW!” physical aspect of it all. Don’t get me wrong, looks play a big part in it (at least, how those looks are handled), but there are other things that figure into the equation.

Ladies, would you like to know if other guys think you’re sexy? Or would you like to want to ramp up your value just a little next time you see that cute guy you want to impress? Well, you’ve come to the right place. Let me give you a little insight into what–besides just looks–makes a woman sexy to a man.

1) A strong laugh – Now I’m not talking about some hideous witch cackle or something that eventually devolves into a pig snort. I’m talking about a smooth, strong laugh with a nice smile. A woman who’s open to laughter and not afraid to let herself go with a good laugh is a vocal woman. Do you understand where this leads in our minds? You’re vocal in this respect, you’ll be vocal later in another situation. Follow me?

So why the laugh? Why not deep conversation or intimate details of your day-to-day life? Because too much talk can be a big turn-off. We want to know that later you’ll be uninhibited in expressing yourself, but not so talkative that you won’t shut up long enough to do anything else. That little air of “maybe” keeps electricity in the air.

2) Eye contact -  A woman who locks eyes with you and keeps that half-smile going just before her gaze drops to the bar is great. I’m not meaning the scary, stare-at-you-all-night-like-a-stalker girl. No, I mean the woman who isn’t afraid to look at you and let you know she’s doing so. This is the woman who watches you while you’re talking, and doesn’t let her eyes wander all over the room. She’s the woman who makes you think you’re the only other person in the room, and she’s the woman any guy would fight to keep.

3) Confidence – I can’t stress this one enough. If you’re unfazed by a few witty remarks and don’t keep shrinking into the background, you’re in. Again, there’s a fine line here. “Confident” doesn’t mean “I have to be the center of attention all the time”. That “center of it all” girl never sticks out as anything more than a one-nighter. She’s obviously way too selfish to be any good in other situations.

On the other hand, a confident woman is someone who holds her own but isn’t afraid to step out of the spotlight for a while. She speaks up at the right time, but doesn’t monopolize the conversation. That kind of woman is the kind of woman we feel will be more confident later. We’re talking “lights on” and “on top”, and that’s amazingly sexy.

4) Adventurous – I know this seems like it would fall under the “confidence” thing, but not quite. This is a rock-climbing, mountain-biking, back-to-nature kind of girl. You are the “up for anything” woman…and we figure that’s a trait you carry over to every area of your life.

Granted, only a certain type of guy stands a chance of keeping up with you, but every guy knows that. The guy who can manage to keep up with this type of woman is envied by every guy he knows. This is the athletic girl, and she’s the one we picture walking in the door after the long jog/workout and slamming us into the wall as she proceeds to tear our t-shirt to pieces. Bless you, dear woman.

5) Mystery – Yes, we know that you ladies are drawn to men who are the mysterious, strong-but-silent types, but that works both ways. A woman whose best features aren’t the most obvious ones is like a flower that’s slowly opening up. We can see the beauty on the outside, but as the flower blooms we are given a glimpse into an even deeper beauty. We want you to be that woman who turns around in the parking lot and gives us this smile we haven’t seen all night long, but know in an instant we have to see again and again.  It’s a coy “I know a secret” kind of smile that lets us know there’s more to you than meets the eye.

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not telling you to go out there and learn a magic trick or something (though that would be very cool in the right context). Just don’t be one of those people who feels the need to share every single moment of their life story in the first five minutes of meeting.

6) Physical contact – Touch is important. If you touch a guy’s arm while you laugh or flirt or whatever, it bumps you up a dozen notches on the “sexy” scale. You have proven you aren’t afraid to get physical. We like physical. Follow the logic.

7) Bedroom eyes – You know what I’m talking about here. It’s that same look we imagine we’d be seeing after a long, exhausting night. It’s that same look we imagine we’d see after that long night and just before you slide up next to us and whisper, “Ready for more?” Oh yeah, I just got chills thinking about it.

Looks – Sorry, but I couldn’t leave this one out. It is important, like it or not. Take care of yourself and the way you dress.

So now you know the secrets. You’ve looked behind the curtain and found exactly what we guys notice when we’re out and about. Above that, you know why we look for these things, and that’s something you can apply to other traits I might have missed. You want to make us feel there’s no doubt you would rock our world if we were lucky enough to get that chance with you. And if we see that pouring off of you, you’d better believe we’ll be fighting for that chance every time.

Your turn now to sound off. What did I miss?

Recently I was talking to a girl in her early twenties and listening to her dating woes. She has her heart set on this one little college boy who will make out with her and then never call. She’s sure he’s “the one” even though the only time he’s coming around is if she’s putting out and she can’t quite figure that out yet.

She mentioned another guy who had recently shown interest in her but she said he was 25. When I asked what the problem was, she said (with a disgusted look on her face) “Ew, he’s old!”

Now, as a man who has just recently strolled past his mid-30’s, I don’t think I’m old. I know for certain that 25 isn’t old. And yet here was this little 21 year old telling me how turned off she was by this “old man” who had hit on her. Well, for all you “little girls” out there who can’t move beyond the little boys and into the real men, here’s what you’re missing out on:

1. No “little boy” games. If you get your kicks off the “we’re dating/no we’re not” daily roller coaster ride, then you don’t want an older guy. Men in their 30’s usually have enough experience to know ahead of time what they like and don’t. If it’s going to be purely physical, most of the time we’re beyond the point of stringing you along forever to get you in bed. The clock’s ticking and we know it, so if they just want sex and you aren’t easy prey, they’ll move on.

On the other hand, if they continue to show interest in you, you can judge their sincerity. Most thirty-somethings and above are beyond the crap and can show genuine interest in a woman because we’re looking for something more.

2. The future is mapped out. When you’re dating a 22 year old boy who says he wants to be a rock star, that’s cute. You might date him and tell your friends he’s going to be the next Justin Timberlake or whatever. You have no way of knowing if he’s serious or not. Unfortunately, it may take you 8 years to figure out he’s not going to actually ever get famous, and by that time you’ve invested so much time into the relationship you can’t move on.

On the other hand, a man in his mid-30’s knows where he’s going and how he wants to get there. If he says he’s going to own his own business, then if he’s not well on his way you can count him out. He has either gone to college and done something with his degree, or might possibly be in college getting a degree to better himself. Most of our dreams are dead by 35 as cold, hard reality has set in. We know that the only way to actually accomplish anything in life is to apply ourselves and make that happen. You can look at this man and know ahead of time what your future together will probably be.

3. We take our time. Understand something, a man in his mid-30’s no longer notches the bed post (for the most part). He’s looking for a relationship, and when the intimacy begins he’s in no hurry to finish it. Sports are great, and the stock market is interesting, but when cloth leaves skin the focus change s. There’s a reason why James Bond is always played by a man in his late 30’s, you know.

We know where the “hot spots” are. We actually know about foreplay. We are looking for an earth-shattering hour. We are not some college frat boy who is going to slam it home and then go grab a brew. You never know…you might actually get something out of the experience rather than hoping you can catch up before your boyfriend ends the show.

4. We respect you. This one is interesting. You can take it or leave it and we don’t care. We’ve been with enough losers to understand a psychochick when we see her, and we can usually see those warning signs long before they arrive. If we show interest in you, and you reciprocate, we’re going to try and make this work. We will actually listen when you talk, and can possibly even remember things you like. We aren’t sitting there while you’re speaking thinking, “Chick, shut up and get naked!” (well, I mean, we might be–we aren’t dead after all–but we’re still going to listen). We’re not going to talk about your exploits to our buddies, or post private pictures of you on the Internet, or forget your phone number after we make out. We’re beyond the games, and ready for something serious.

And finally…

5. We’re mature (for the most part). Look, women are more mature than men most of the time, and I can readily accept and  acknowledge this. So when you find an older man, you are finding someone who just might be your equal in maturity. You both might have similar goals in the relationship, and by that time in a man’s life he’s probably got similar goals as far as a family goes too. Your pretty boy college boyfriend might  not want kids because he’s afraid it’ll cut into his fun with his buddies, while an older man is ready for kids and could actually end up being a father who actually participates in raising the kids.

I have a friend who is 43 and just married a girl who is 25. She’s head-over-heels in love with him, and vice versa. Their age difference has caused quite a few people to raise their eyebrows, but when I see them together I don’t notice anything besides the fact that they are obviously made for each other.

So hey, next time you’re considering a guy to date, don’t automatically take him out of the running because he’s a few years older than you. You might not appreciate the difference now, but it just might make all the difference for a successful relationship in the long run.

Ok, so I’m sorry I hurt so many feelings and broke so many hearts last time I talked about this. Apparently there are a lot of nice guy best friends who can’t be mean to little miss flirty pants and want an easier way to swing her over. Fine. Here are ways even the “nice guy” can gently break down the best friend woman of his dreams who won’t look twice at him.

Slip on your pink t-shirt and start taking notes, pretty boy.

1) Show interest in her close friend. If she has a girl friend who is cute (obviously not as cute as her, but whatever) then get her to introduce you to the friend. Start chatting her up, charm her with your smile and wit, and suddenly the GOYD (girl of your dreams) will start feeling that little twinge of jealousy. Remember: to the new girl you are the mysterious guy who can easily come off as fun and charming and win her over. Your best friend still sees you as “her best guy friend” and you’ve lost value in her eyes. When another woman starts showing interest in you, it suddenly forces her to see your value as well.

2) Ask her opinion on another woman. This seems like it might fall into number 1, but it doesn’t. If you are dating someone else (just casually, not a full-on relationship or she’ll start to think you might be cheating on your girlfriend), tell her some intimate moments from the date and ask her opinion. “What did she mean by that?” Again, this has the same effect as number 1 in that it forces the girl to realize some other woman is winning your affections, and that will sting her pride after a short while, prompting her to action.

3) Stop being there for every call. When she calls you, say “Hey, can I call you back in a couple of hours? I’m with someone.” Even if that “someone” is just the latest basketball game on ESPN, you say that and mean it. She hangs up, her mind is suddenly reeling with the fact that you–her always-there listening buddy–might suddenly be developing a life. It might break your heart to not talk to her, but I promise you her mind is racing a lot more than yours if she has any potential interest in you at all.

4) Use Facebook to your advantage. Yes, it may seem a little lame, but if she has an account, you should have an account. Friend her, of course, but then look up folks you knew. You can probably find your old high school girlfriend, college girlfriends, and babes you used to know quiet well. Friend them all. After that, it’s just a matter of getting those wall posts and replying to such. Keep the conversation public as much as possible so the GOYD can see this and let it stew. And hey, maybe you’ll make that missed connection from college after all in the process!

Yes, I know these all seem to revolve around making the girl jealous and playing  mind games with her, but so what? You’re telling me she’s never done that to you? You’re just taking what you learned and making it work for you.

Ok, that’s it. I’m through trying to help the best friend find love. It’s time for me to move on to other topics, so this little trilogy of love is over. Hope it’s been helpful to you and you get to put her through the mattress or carry her down the aisle, whichever you’re shooting for.

I’ve spoken of marriage before, but this is something every married guy can relate to. Forget Monopoly, Scrabble, Chess or Poker…when you get married you get to play allllllll sorts of new games that single people get to miss out on. If you’re single, I’m about to give you a little glimpse into married life. I’ve given you some advice before, and you can consider this a heads-up for what’s ahead.

Of course, knowing that the game is coming doesn’t help you. These games have fluid rules, and often begin hours before you ever realize your wife has begun playing it.

1. “Guess What’s Wrong”

This fun little game occurs when you walk in the room to find your normally-cheerful wife sulking with a look of utter anger on her face. You suddenly find yourself Sherlock Holmes trying your best to unravel this mystery before it’s too late.

First thing is to think of everything you’re hiding from her. If you’re covered, then you might just get lucky. There’s every chance that her family has insulted her, a close friend talked about her behind her back and she found out, or she weighed herself and found the scale unfriendly. You can still make it out of this game alive.

The key here is to find out what’s wrong and then take her side in the argument. Whatever happened, whoever said something, they were wrong. Just hope and pray it’s not something you did, because then you move into the next game…

2. “Guess What You Did”

Again, you walk in and find your beautiful wife staring at you like she is killing you with her mind. Before you can say a word, she says “Do you want to talk to me about anything?”

This one encompasses everything. Maybe you forgot her birthday or your anniversary. Maybe she caught you staring at a woman in the mall. Maybe some friend called and ratted you out about something you said or did at work. Did you talk in your sleep? Whatever it was, you are now officially a dead man. There is no way out of this game alive.

Unfortunately, the biggest hurdle in this is the fact that you have to guess what she caught you at. In the process, you could inadvertently confess to something she hasn’t discovered yet. Obviously this is dangerous ground.

The fun part of this game comes from the fact that it can actually involve things you didn’t do, but did. For example, if she dreams that you had an affair with her sister, then she will wake up convinced that you were having torrid sex with her sibling. Will she be mad at her sister for being such an unabashed tart? Nope, she’ll blame you for the whole thing.

Of course, be happy. If she could see what you were actually dreaming she’d really be ticked off. After all, you were banging her sister…and that cute girl from work.

3. “Sudden Death Trick Questions”

Here’s a fun one because it’s not a matter of what you know here…it’s a matter of finding a way to answer the question properly to avoid dire consequences. For example, she’s stepping off the scale with tears in her eyes. She says, “Have I gained weight?”

Understand something, she knows the answer to this question. The scale has just confirmed her fears. The obvious answer is, “Well, baby, let’s just say I don’t think you’d be fitting into your wedding dress anytime soon.” Of course, this is the wrong answer.

How about this one: you’re talking about her co-workers and she mentions this goddess she works with that you’ve seen (and remembered vividly). She says, “Do you think she’s pretty?”

Again, she knows the answer to this. If you say no, she’ll call you a liar and suddenly use this against you every time you compliment her for the next month (“Yeah, you say I’m pretty, but we both know what kind of liar you are!”). If you say yes, then she will force you to keep your eyes open and focused on hers every moment the two of you have sex for fear you’re fantasizing about this girl. It’s an incredibly creepy experience, trust me.

Or the classic “Do these pants make my butt look big?” The obvious answer is “No, baby, your butt really is big and those pants just accentuate it because they’re tight.” Again, this is the wrong answer and I would highly suggest you not use it.

4. “Catch-Up Argument”

This is a blast! Your wife thinks about something you said or did hours, days, or even months ago. She begins a fight in her mind with you, and her “mind-you” says some pretty stupid things. Now, the real you has been at work or golfing somewhere, expecting to come home and possibly get a little evening nookie. What you can’t possibly know is just how bad things are getting.

You arrive home to find her seething in anger, as she has taken some idle comment you made weeks ago and turned it into a purposeful insult that was aimed at her very core. The argument began hours ago, and you–the poor, pitiful sap that you now are–have just wandered into it unprepared. There is no hope in this one. All you can do is pray to make it out alive.

So as you can see, there’s never a dull moment to being married (unless you’re lucky). It’s game night every single night of the week!

Now if only Parker Brothers could come up with a board game version of this stuff, your single friends could possibly understand why you’re trembling in fear when you hang up the cell phone and say, “Uh, I gotta get home.”

Note: If you don’t have a sense of humor, DO NOT read this. Sometimes the truth hurts. You have been warned.

Ok, so last time I spent most of the time trying to reason with the ladies and work to getting the “good guys” a shot at the woman of his dreams. Well, when has that ever really worked anyway? So now, it’s time to take it straight to the guys. You want the girl but you’re stuck as a friend wanting more? Well, if you’ll follow my plan you’ll be wearing her mattress out in no time.

Beautiful women want the men who are “bad” and will treat them like trash. They want the man who will sleep with them and then forget their phone number. They want the man who will say “I’ll call you” and then never call and force the girl to keep you up until 2AM with her sob stories. So what we have to do is take you, Mister Nice Guy, and turn you into the bad boy she craves.

“But she knows all about me! How can she think I’m a bad boy?” Do me a favor: stop your whining, shut up, and take notes. Here’s the step-by-step guide you need to bed the lady who calls you her “best guy friend”.

1. Black clothes and/or leather must become your wardrobe. She wants the bad boy, you must become the bad boy. Now this is going to be dependent upon the individual woman (and if you’re really that close of a friend you’ll know exactly what she’s looking for). Obviously, this can’t be a drastic “Hey, I’m a different person now” change. If you’re a jeans-and-t-shirt kind of guy, slowly move away from that. Change your shirt or pants first to whatever is more like what she is looking for. After a couple of weeks, start changing up the rest of your wardrobe.

As you gradually move toward the darker clothes, your mood must change as well. No more “Mister Funny”. Remember: she’s looking for the dark, troubled soul. Look like you’re always wrestling some personal demons or something.

2. You must have a perfect “broken childhood” story. Women flock to that crap like crazy. There’s just something about that broken childhood thing that pulls out the “I must shelter him” instinct in a woman–and you can take advantage of it!

“But I don’t have a broken childhood and I’m not creative enough to lie like that!” You’re whining again. Stop it. Here’s the highlights of your childhood. Hopefully you can fill in the blanks along the way:

a) Parents separated/Dad disappeared when you were 7

b) Abused by your uncle/neighbor/older brother and forced to fight for your every meal

c) Thought you’d found love when you were 17, but she broke your heart. “I mean, teenage relationships never work out, do they? But I was just too stupid to see that then. I thought she was the one.”

d) Attempted/considered suicide after previous breakup and are now convinced you’ll “never find the one after all”.

e) You get so scared sometimes when you’re alone and wish the pain would just go away

But what if she knows all about your childhood already? What if she’s met your parents and you can’t pull that line on her? Relax, I’m here.

Next time she’s at your apartment, you have a picture of your “parents” prominently displayed somewhere so she’s going to accidentally see it and mention it. Let your eyes lock on the picture as you walk slowly up to it and take it gently from her hand (if you can rip out a nose hair before turning around so your eyes are watering, this will sell big time), then lay it face down on the table and say “Yeah, they were so great to me. They loved me just like I was their real son.” And now you’ve opened a big box of “mysterious past” and you can go from there.

3. Every conversation must end with: “Yeah, but who cares what you think anyway, b****?” Remember the goal here: you want to feel her sweaty bod under you crying out your name. That means you’re going to have to get a little ugly from time to time. She wants a guy who “doesn’t appreciate her”, and that will be you. Her opinion doesn’t matter to you anymore, and you aren’t afraid to let her know it.

4. 95% jerk, 5% “hidden, scared little boy inside”. With all the crappy treatment, there still has to be some tiny gem inside that only she can see. When you are alone with her, when the moment is right you let her peek inside to some “scared little boy in there who just wants to be loved”. Don’t wimp out here and go all pansy, but just give her enough tenderness to sell it.

Give her the tiniest bone to hold on to as she’s being told by the other girls that she needs to drop you–the jerk she’s going out with–and find a real man. She can then say, “But you don’t see him like I do. He’s really a good man inside.” Of course you’re a good man and you’ve been on the whole time! It’s just that now she’s actually seeing that through the “tortured soul” glasses.

5. Don’t call her…make her call you. Again, women complain about it but it really captivates their mind. “Why doesn’t he call? Is he not interested?” That makes the woman think she isn’t good enough and suddenly this becomes a personal challenge on her part to get you.

I have a friend who used this exact tactic to get his wife. They’d go out, and he wouldn’t call her for a week or more. She had no idea what he was doing and it made her constantly think of him while she tried to figure him out. When he called, if she started getting upset about him not calling, he’d end the conversation and leave it at that. Of course, this only fed her anxiety more and she’d call and apologize. Soon he was actually going over to her house to fish at her private pond and ignore her completely until he wanted lunch and she’d better have made it…and she was falling more in love with him every week. Eventually she couldn’t take it any more and this church girl got nasty one Saturday evening. Soon there was a ring on his finger and he’d won the game. As a bonus, he can still ignore her when he feels like it to go fishing and it’s all just considered part of his personality.

You think I’m mean and brutal? Nope, I’m honest. Disagree all you want to, but it’s the bad boy jerk who gets to suck the juice out of her ta-tas while you’re at home watching C.S.I. and wondering when she’s going to call.

I know these go against everything you’ve ever been taught to do for her, and it may not be your personality at all, but if you’ve tried the nice approach and gotten nowhere this is your next step. You want to move out of the friend zone and into relationship material? It’s going to take drastic measures.

Why are women attracted to the jerks instead of the guys who appreciate them? I have no clue. Maybe it’s just because deep down inside they just want to have something to complain about and cry over. You’ll never figure it out, so just do what you can to take advantage of it and get the “in” you need to be considered relationship material.

PLEASE NOTE: This article is a gentle…mean…whatever poke at relationships. It’s meant as satire. Please don’t start carrying torches and pitchforks looking to hunt me down or anything. However, if you do use my advice and get the girl, more power to you.