The List

Every man (and many women) has “The List”. It’s a list of the people they are going to sleep with given the chance. Here’s the key weakness to them, however: they usually involve people that the guy has no chance of ever hooking up with. People like Angelina Jolie or Penelope Cruz may be on the list, but the man knows he’s going to spend the rest of his life fantasizing about it and nothing more.

But then there are those who have a different list. Their list is filled with possibilities. These are those women who might have been, but weren’t…yet still could be. From my honest friends and co-workers (their names changed to protect the truthful), I give you “The List”:

1) The Former Best Friend

Tom says, “Before I met my wife, I had this incredibly close female friend. We would hang out together all the time, and we just clicked. She made me laugh, and we always had fun together. It never go physical though. We’d go to the movies, out to dinner, even hang out at her place and watch TV, but we kept it cool.

“After I got married, this girl and I lost touch. As I looked back on our times together, I suddenly realized some of the things she’d talked about during our conversations. She’d casually tossed out hints about what kind of kisser she thought I’d be. She mentioned her past and a few sexual things she liked, and stuff like that. And for some reason, all of those conversations just zipped right past me until much later.

“Don’t get me wrong, I know we wouldn’t have been a good married couple. There were too many differences. But I always think of her as a perfect lover for me. We clicked on so many levels, I can’t help but think she would have been incredible. She’s married now too, but if the opportunity ever came, I know I’d give it a shot.”

2) The “Almost”

Frank said, “There’s this woman I was crazy about. The first time I saw her, I was in love and was sure this was the woman I was going to marry. I tried everything and she flirted with me all the time, but for some reason we just never got that connection. She eventually chose another guy over me and she’s married now with two kids, but I see her all the time. She still looks good for a mother of two, even all these years later.

“Every time I see her, I still feel that connection that might have been. If she ever has a fight with her husband that’s one of those ‘I’m leaving for the night’ kind of fights, I hope I’m the one she comes to see. We may not last more than a night together as a couple, but I’m sure it’ll be the greatest night of my life.”

3) The “Forbidden”

David says, “I have a girl in my office who is an intern. She’s 23 and has the most perfect body I’ve ever seen. The thing is I’ve known her and her family for years. Her father is a friend of mine and even though his daughter’s all grown up, he’s still protective of her.

“There was a time last year when the girl and I really started talking. She mentioned dreams she was having about me (nothing sexual) and the more I talked to her about everything from books to music to life in general, the more I realized how much I wanted this woman. Of course, I don’t think my wife would approve, and I know I’d lose this girl’s father as a friend forever. Even with that, I see this girl and know that if the opportunity ever came up, I’d take the chance.”

4) The Freak

Mike says, “My wife isn’t into sex. She was a virgin when we got married–her idea–and I just trusted she’d get into the swing of things. Unfortunately, she didn’t and we have the most vanilla sex ever. On the rare occasion that it happens, I swear it’s like a script and no matter how hard I try to get her to try something just minutely different (like being on top) she just gives up two seconds into it and we’re back to ‘the usual’. I want a half hour of foreplay, whereas her idea of foreplay is to say, ‘All right, let’s get this over with.’

“Her best friend, on the other hand, is a freak in bed. She tells my wife all about how she wants it all the time, but her husband never does (the stupid moron). I encourage my wife to spend time around this girl in the hopes that some of her libido will rub off on my wife. Instead, as my wife tells me what this girls mentions, I’ve found myself fantasizing about my wife’s friend. The funny thing is that I dated her before I dated my wife, and now that rubs salt in the wound because I realize I could have had this ‘acrobat in the sack’ if I’d just stayed with her. I never slept with the woman though, and that just makes it worse.

“I realize now that my wife will probably never change and every story her friend tells her won’t pique her interest in trying something new. Instead, I think about this woman all the time, and think about how she’s just as frustrated as I am. I try to spend time with her when she’s with my wife and test to see if our connection is still there when my wife’s not around. I love my wife dearly, but sex is a big part of any relationship and she’s just doesn’t accept that. If there was any way for her friend and I to get together and satisfy each other’s needs on a regular basis, I wouldn’t hesitate to do it. The way I see it, we’d be helping both of our spouses because they don’t want to do it, and they wouldn’t have to anymore. We’d be taking care of each other.”

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So there you have it. It’s not really pretty, but you can sort of see a trend. A passionless marriage/relationship is one that is ripe for an affair. Of course, you can’t blame it all on a passionless partner. The guy has to keep his mind away from the “forbidden fruit” and realize that the more he thinks about it, the more likely he is to act on it.

Is there anything wrong with having “the list”? Well, being truthful (as my blog title implies) I imagine everyone has that list, even if they don’t realize it. Subconsciously we are attracted to people. Just because you get married doesn’t mean you never find anyone else attractive! Even the most faithful husband still finds that temptation to watch a tight sweater as it goes by. But the key is to fight the temptation.

At some point, I’m going to write a post on the after-effects of an affair on a relationship. For now, let me just say if you aren’t happy in the relationship, instead of throwing it all away for one night with a “list person”, move on. It’s better for both of you.

“Fun” Dating Games

Previously I wrote about those fun games you can play as a married couple. Now I think it’s time to mention those fun games you get to play when you’re still dating. It’s such a magical time in a relationship, and there’s so much that can go wrong–if you plan it right!

1) What Are You Looking At?

This is a fun one! You’re sitting there talking to this hot girl on a date that you think is going pretty well. Eventually you notice her gaze keeps drifting from your eyes to another part of your face. It could be your teeth, it could be your nose, it could be your forehead or cheek…all you know is she’s looking at something!

Now you become paranoid. Do I have something in my teeth? Did a zit suddenly pop up somewhere on my face? Is there a booger hanging on my nose?

This is where the fun part sets in. The fast and easy way to handle this is to just get up and go to the bathroom to check it out. Of course, who likes the easy way? Instead, you drink something and swish it around in your mouth hoping to clean your teeth, or you lean forward and cover your cheek with your hand, or you try to signal the waiter and when she looks away you wipe your nose for all you’re worth.

How do you win this game? You don’t until you get up and check it all out. The fun part of this game, however, isn’t playing it, but making someone else play it. Next time you’re on a date that you want to get out of, just casually glance at her nose a lot. When she picks it up and excuses herself to go to the restroom, you pay the check and bolt!

2) Guess Who!

You talked to her at the party and have her number. You’ve waited long enough and decide to place the call. This is the one, you’re sure of it! You call her up and she answers with an uncertain “Hello?”.

“Hey,” you say in your most sexy cool voice. “It’s me.”

A pause. Then an uncertain, “Hey, you. How are you?”

Now you are faced with a dilemma. It’s obvious she doesn’t know who in the world she’s talking to right now. Should you enlighten her, which makes it obvious you didn’t make that big of an impression on her? Or should you keep talking and act like it’s her fault and she should catch up quickly or you’re gone.

This is one of those rare games that isn’t fun for either party. If you’re the caller, you have suddenly been dealt the biggest blow to your ego imagineable. If you’re the call-ee, you are stuck with this awkward moment of trying to remember if this was the cute one you talked to while you were sober, or did things go really south after you started drinking?

3) The Great Escape

You’re on a date with this girl you know from work and it’s apparent things are not going well for you. She’s into you but there’s just something about her that isn’t clicking on your end. Maybe it’s her laugh, or maybe it’s the way she eats, or maybe it’s how she chatters incessantly, but there’s something that demands you flee immediately. The problem is that you can’t be rude because you see this person on a regular basis and it would really make things awkward at work, or you’d have to change coffee shops, or something.

Now the game begins: How can you get away without making it look like you’re trying to get away? What excuse can you use that will sound reasonable without being impossible to back up with physical proof? You can say your landlord called because someone broke into your apartment, but what if she follows you there to make sure you’re ok? Sick grandmother? That might work unless she knows another member of your family or a close friend.

This can be a challenging game, but fun. Consider it a survival situation and you’re Survivorman. How can you use what’s around you to formulate that perfect, untraceable escape? It ain’t easy, but it’s doable.

4) Awkward Moments

There are so many of these on a date that it’s possible to play this game all night long. The only problem is that this game isn’t any fun at all. Instead, for every time you play this one you automatically lose one value point in your date’s eyes. Lose enough, and she’s gonna be screaming in someone else’s sheets tonight.

Maybe it’s that moment when you mention how you hate cats, then she says she has two at her apartment who are her best friends. Maybe it’s when you accidentally mention your ex-girlfriend…for the third time that night. Or maybe it’s when you try that joke that killed with your friends, but the second before the punch line leaves your mouth you realize it’s one of those “You had to be there” jokes and it’s too late to stop it. Whatever it is, it’s the moment when you both just sort of force a smile at each other and scramble desperately for another conversation thread to pull before it all crashes and burns.

However, the worst of these moments is the easiest to identify. You’re working your magic by candlelight and soft music in the bedroom. She’s moving beneath you like a wildcat and you wish you could take notes because of how awesome you are at that moment. You can see by the expression on her face that she’s there when suddenly she says, “Oh, god, Carl, YES! YES! YES!”

The problem is your name is Ted.

Instant lose. Game over.

The One That Got Away…and Why We Love Them

So this girl I work with is so crazy hot it makes any man who sees her immediately stop what they’re doing to watch her walk down the hall. Though a little conceited she has a pretty good personality as well. She’s talented, smart, sexy as humanly possible, and fun to hang around. And she’s had almost 10 boyfriends this year.

Understand, she hasn’t slept with them all or anything. It’s just that she seems to always find a way to kill any relationship she gets in because she’s comparing him to “Bob”, the guy she considers “the one”. Bob broke up with her via email at the beginning of the year and let her know that he’d actually been seeing someone else for a few weeks as well. He cared for her and all, but he just didn’t see a future with her.

This was powerful because this was literally the first guy who had ever dumped this girl. She had always been the dump-er, and now she was the dump-ee. It did not go well.

And now, despite the fact that he cheated on her, she can’t let him go. Every relationship she gets in is automatically compared to this fantasized version of Bob. In her mind he’s not the cheating two-timer she hated with a passion as she finished that email. Instead, he’s the caring sensitive guy who loved her with all his heart.

So what is it about ex’s the keep people so enamored? Why can’t we move on sometimes when a relationship goes sour and ends?

First, it’s because of what we imagine might have been. We see ourselves waking up in the middle of the night and having this person roll over onto us for “movie love”. They wake up in the morning ready to go with their hair perfect and their breath fresh. They never get mad and always worship the ground we walk on. Of course, none of this happened while the relationship was going on, but that won’t stop us from imagining it.

When I was single, I had a girl who was a very good friend of mine. The years we were together were fun, and we were very close though we never took it to a physical level. Thinking back on it later, I reconsidered a lot of our conversations and realized there were times she was tentatively opening the door to me for more, and I never caught it or took it. Now when I think of what might have been I picture her doing incredibly athletic things to my body as I fight for every breath in a bliss I had never thought possible. Would it have really been that way? Probably not…but that’s just the way we are wired to see things. Rather than look at reality and see them as a real person, we lock them forever in our memories as “perfection”.

Second, time heals all wounds. The things that drove us away from them or annoyed the fire out of us are long forgotten as we concentrate instead on little things that meant so much. They might have been loud, or obnoxious, or even downright cruel at times…but there were those precious moments like when they picked up a candy bar for us while in the gas station, or when they reached for our hand in the dark during a movie. She might have been banging your brother, but when you picture her she’s this angel.

Third, something special happened at least once with them–and we keep hoping it will happen with someone else. It might have been incredibly deep conversations, or mind-blowing passion, or wonderful laughs, but something happened that made that person stick out. That one part of the relationship is usually what we hang on to, focus on, and desperately want to recreate. Most of the time, unfortunately, we can’t hope to.

In the case of the girl I work with, the guy she’s so hung up on was “her first”, and as such he holds a place that no man can ever possibly hope to have. Almost everyone can remember their first time even decades later, so you can see what her future husband will be fighting against. It’s really unfair to hold any other guy up to the standard she’s placed “Bob” in (and she didn’t even think it was that great), but she’s holding out hope because she doesn’t want to be considered a tramp and wants to be a one-man-ever kind of woman.

Whatever the cause, it’s often unfair to think anyone else can ever measure up to this standard that has been placed on them. Ex’s sometimes get those special glorified places that can never be matched. How many times do we miss out on something better simply because we hang on to something we think was so incredible.

And the funny part? If we do find a way to make the relationship get another chance, it ends the same way. Those incredible moments we thought would forever move us may show up for a minute or two, but then they’re overshadowed as reality sets in once more.

So what’s a person to do if they find their mind constantly wandering back to that “perfect love”?

Remember why you broke up to begin with. There had to be a reason. It wasn’t perfect, and if you can keep a balanced look at everything you’ll see why things couldn’t possibly work out.

If need be, focus on the bad things and knock out the good. It may seem cruel, but if it will help you get over them and move on you should do it. I’m not saying your should cheapen whatever great times you had, I’m just saying if you have to move on then you do whatever you need to in order to make that happen.

Give someone else a fair chance to win your heart. The poor guy or gal might be better for you than anything you’d ever imagined, but if you don’t give them a chance to prove it you’ll stay lonely and pining away for “the one” forever. Really, truly, honestly move on as best you can and don’t allow yourself to think of that other person as you’re with the new one. You never know…it might be better than you’d ever imagined it could be.