Time, Time, Time…See What’s Become of Me

I was at Wal-Mart yesterday (carefully following the rules, by the way), when a woman zipped between the aisles and our eyes met. It’s one of those moments where you recognize something about the person, but not the whole person themselves. She stepped back out and it turned out she was a girl I had graduated with. Why didn’t I immediately recognize her? Well, she had a frumpy old woman hairstyle, frumpy old woman clothes, and a lot of frumpy old woman weight she didn’t have when we were in school together. After a few minutes, I realized, “Holy cow! She looks like my 8th grade science teacher!” Then a few seconds later, I realized “Holy cow! She’s older than my 8th grade science teacher was!”

“The years had not been kind” is what I guess I’m saying.

Now understand, she and I are the same age. We can see 40 on the horizon, but that’s still not too old. The difference is that somewhere along the line she aged 10 years more than she should have and turned into a 50 year old woman. What in the world happens to people?

Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t a goddess in high school or anything, but she looked decent and took care of herself (she reminded me a lot of Marsha Brady). Now she looked like she was auditioning for a “Golden Girls” revival or something.

I was hanging with some guys a couple of weeks ago and the discussion came up about age. When I mentioned how old I was, the others told me they would have never guessed it, but would have put me at late 20’s/early 30’s. That was a major compliment, as my wife is 8 years younger than me and the last thing I want is to be out somewhere and have someone say “Is this your daughter?” All you have to do is take care of yourself, right? Sometimes it’s good to say “No!” to that Twinkie!

So at which point does a person say “Ok, time to get old!” and suddenly think looking like an old school teacher is sexy?

One more true story: In high school there was this girl who was one year older than me. When she was a senior, she was absolutely the “hot girl” that everyone wanted. She and I were good friends and at one point she wanted to take it further, but I didn’t. She was hot, funny, nice, and had a great laugh. Want to know why I didn’t take it further? It was her mother.

I looked at this gorgeous girl and then I looked at her mother. The girl had long blond hair and amazing curves; her mother had a big bun of hair on her head and had long since buried any curves under excess weight. When I looked at this girl, I saw her mother and realized that’s what this girl might look like one day.

Five years ago, I saw this girl again. Let me say that a different way: Five years ago, I saw this girl’s mother again…but it was the girl. True to what I’d thought, this amazing woman had turned into her mother. The smile and personality were still there, but the hair was pulled up into a bun, and the curves that had captured the attention of every guy in high school had now turned into one big curve from shoulder to ankle.

I know that time has a way of getting to us all, but there are things we can do to at least slow the process. There’s no feeling on earth like the one where you see someone again after a few years and think, “Oh man, please tell me I don’t look that bad!”

Nobody looks like their senior picture after 20 years ( but man, the 80’s rocked!). I know that and can appreciate it. Still, who says you have to go from 35 to 50 overnight? If you’re only as old as you feel, go feel a 20 year-old or something!

Benefits to Dating an Older Guy

Recently I was talking to a girl in her early twenties and listening to her dating woes. She has her heart set on this one little college boy who will make out with her and then never call. She’s sure he’s “the one” even though the only time he’s coming around is if she’s putting out and she can’t quite figure that out yet.

She mentioned another guy who had recently shown interest in her but she said he was 25. When I asked what the problem was, she said (with a disgusted look on her face) “Ew, he’s old!”

Now, as a man who has just recently strolled past his mid-30’s, I don’t think I’m old. I know for certain that 25 isn’t old. And yet here was this little 21 year old telling me how turned off she was by this “old man” who had hit on her. Well, for all you “little girls” out there who can’t move beyond the little boys and into the real men, here’s what you’re missing out on:

1. No “little boy” games. If you get your kicks off the “we’re dating/no we’re not” daily roller coaster ride, then you don’t want an older guy. Men in their 30’s usually have enough experience to know ahead of time what they like and don’t. If it’s going to be purely physical, most of the time we’re beyond the point of stringing you along forever to get you in bed. The clock’s ticking and we know it, so if they just want sex and you aren’t easy prey, they’ll move on.

On the other hand, if they continue to show interest in you, you can judge their sincerity. Most thirty-somethings and above are beyond the crap and can show genuine interest in a woman because we’re looking for something more.

2. The future is mapped out. When you’re dating a 22 year old boy who says he wants to be a rock star, that’s cute. You might date him and tell your friends he’s going to be the next Justin Timberlake or whatever. You have no way of knowing if he’s serious or not. Unfortunately, it may take you 8 years to figure out he’s not going to actually ever get famous, and by that time you’ve invested so much time into the relationship you can’t move on.

On the other hand, a man in his mid-30’s knows where he’s going and how he wants to get there. If he says he’s going to own his own business, then if he’s not well on his way you can count him out. He has either gone to college and done something with his degree, or might possibly be in college getting a degree to better himself. Most of our dreams are dead by 35 as cold, hard reality has set in. We know that the only way to actually accomplish anything in life is to apply ourselves and make that happen. You can look at this man and know ahead of time what your future together will probably be.

3. We take our time. Understand something, a man in his mid-30’s no longer notches the bed post (for the most part). He’s looking for a relationship, and when the intimacy begins he’s in no hurry to finish it. Sports are great, and the stock market is interesting, but when cloth leaves skin the focus change s. There’s a reason why James Bond is always played by a man in his late 30’s, you know.

We know where the “hot spots” are. We actually know about foreplay. We are looking for an earth-shattering hour. We are not some college frat boy who is going to slam it home and then go grab a brew. You never know…you might actually get something out of the experience rather than hoping you can catch up before your boyfriend ends the show.

4. We respect you. This one is interesting. You can take it or leave it and we don’t care. We’ve been with enough losers to understand a psychochick when we see her, and we can usually see those warning signs long before they arrive. If we show interest in you, and you reciprocate, we’re going to try and make this work. We will actually listen when you talk, and can possibly even remember things you like. We aren’t sitting there while you’re speaking thinking, “Chick, shut up and get naked!” (well, I mean, we might be–we aren’t dead after all–but we’re still going to listen). We’re not going to talk about your exploits to our buddies, or post private pictures of you on the Internet, or forget your phone number after we make out. We’re beyond the games, and ready for something serious.

And finally…

5. We’re mature (for the most part). Look, women are more mature than men most of the time, and I can readily accept and  acknowledge this. So when you find an older man, you are finding someone who just might be your equal in maturity. You both might have similar goals in the relationship, and by that time in a man’s life he’s probably got similar goals as far as a family goes too. Your pretty boy college boyfriend might  not want kids because he’s afraid it’ll cut into his fun with his buddies, while an older man is ready for kids and could actually end up being a father who actually participates in raising the kids.

 

I have a friend who is 43 and just married a girl who is 25. She’s head-over-heels in love with him, and vice versa. Their age difference has caused quite a few people to raise their eyebrows, but when I see them together I don’t notice anything besides the fact that they are obviously made for each other.

So hey, next time you’re considering a guy to date, don’t automatically take him out of the running because he’s a few years older than you. You might not appreciate the difference now, but it just might make all the difference for a successful relationship in the long run.

“Fun” Married Games

I’ve spoken of marriage before, but this is something every married guy can relate to. Forget Monopoly, Scrabble, Chess or Poker…when you get married you get to play allllllll sorts of new games that single people get to miss out on. If you’re single, I’m about to give you a little glimpse into married life. I’ve given you some advice before, and you can consider this a heads-up for what’s ahead.

Of course, knowing that the game is coming doesn’t help you. These games have fluid rules, and often begin hours before you ever realize your wife has begun playing it.

1. “Guess What’s Wrong”

This fun little game occurs when you walk in the room to find your normally-cheerful wife sulking with a look of utter anger on her face. You suddenly find yourself Sherlock Holmes trying your best to unravel this mystery before it’s too late.

First thing is to think of everything you’re hiding from her. If you’re covered, then you might just get lucky. There’s every chance that her family has insulted her, a close friend talked about her behind her back and she found out, or she weighed herself and found the scale unfriendly. You can still make it out of this game alive.

The key here is to find out what’s wrong and then take her side in the argument. Whatever happened, whoever said something, they were wrong. Just hope and pray it’s not something you did, because then you move into the next game…

2. “Guess What You Did”

Again, you walk in and find your beautiful wife staring at you like she is killing you with her mind. Before you can say a word, she says “Do you want to talk to me about anything?”

This one encompasses everything. Maybe you forgot her birthday or your anniversary. Maybe she caught you staring at a woman in the mall. Maybe some friend called and ratted you out about something you said or did at work. Did you talk in your sleep? Whatever it was, you are now officially a dead man. There is no way out of this game alive.

Unfortunately, the biggest hurdle in this is the fact that you have to guess what she caught you at. In the process, you could inadvertently confess to something she hasn’t discovered yet. Obviously this is dangerous ground.

The fun part of this game comes from the fact that it can actually involve things you didn’t do, but did. For example, if she dreams that you had an affair with her sister, then she will wake up convinced that you were having torrid sex with her sibling. Will she be mad at her sister for being such an unabashed tart? Nope, she’ll blame you for the whole thing.

Of course, be happy. If she could see what you were actually dreaming she’d really be ticked off. After all, you were banging her sister…and that cute girl from work.

3. “Sudden Death Trick Questions”

Here’s a fun one because it’s not a matter of what you know here…it’s a matter of finding a way to answer the question properly to avoid dire consequences. For example, she’s stepping off the scale with tears in her eyes. She says, “Have I gained weight?”

Understand something, she knows the answer to this question. The scale has just confirmed her fears. The obvious answer is, “Well, baby, let’s just say I don’t think you’d be fitting into your wedding dress anytime soon.” Of course, this is the wrong answer.

How about this one: you’re talking about her co-workers and she mentions this goddess she works with that you’ve seen (and remembered vividly). She says, “Do you think she’s pretty?”

Again, she knows the answer to this. If you say no, she’ll call you a liar and suddenly use this against you every time you compliment her for the next month (“Yeah, you say I’m pretty, but we both know what kind of liar you are!”). If you say yes, then she will force you to keep your eyes open and focused on hers every moment the two of you have sex for fear you’re fantasizing about this girl. It’s an incredibly creepy experience, trust me.

Or the classic “Do these pants make my butt look big?” The obvious answer is “No, baby, your butt really is big and those pants just accentuate it because they’re tight.” Again, this is the wrong answer and I would highly suggest you not use it.

4. “Catch-Up Argument”

This is a blast! Your wife thinks about something you said or did hours, days, or even months ago. She begins a fight in her mind with you, and her “mind-you” says some pretty stupid things. Now, the real you has been at work or golfing somewhere, expecting to come home and possibly get a little evening nookie. What you can’t possibly know is just how bad things are getting.

You arrive home to find her seething in anger, as she has taken some idle comment you made weeks ago and turned it into a purposeful insult that was aimed at her very core. The argument began hours ago, and you–the poor, pitiful sap that you now are–have just wandered into it unprepared. There is no hope in this one. All you can do is pray to make it out alive.

So as you can see, there’s never a dull moment to being married (unless you’re lucky). It’s game night every single night of the week!

Now if only Parker Brothers could come up with a board game version of this stuff, your single friends could possibly understand why you’re trembling in fear when you hang up the cell phone and say, “Uh, I gotta get home.”