Benefits to Dating an Older Guy

james_bond__pierce__208750g Recently I was talking to a girl in her early twenties and listening to her dating woes. She has her heart set on this one little college boy who will make out with her and then never call. She’s sure he’s “the one” even though the only time he’s coming around is if she’s putting out and she can’t quite figure that out yet.

She mentioned another guy who had recently shown interest in her but she said he was 25. When I asked what the problem was, she said (with a disgusted look on her face) “Ew, he’s old!”

Now, as a man who has just recently strolled past his mid-30’s, I don’t think I’m old. I know for certain that 25 isn’t old. And yet here was this little 21 year old telling me how turned off she was by this “old man” who had hit on her. Well, for all you “little girls” out there who can’t move beyond the little boys and into the real men, here’s what you’re missing out on:

1. No “little boy” games. If you get your kicks off the “we’re dating/no we’re not” daily roller coaster ride, then you don’t want an older guy. Men in their 30’s usually have enough experience to know ahead of time what they like and don’t. If it’s going to be purely physical, most of the time we’re beyond the point of stringing you along forever to get you in bed. The clock’s ticking and we know it, so if they just want sex and you aren’t easy prey, they’ll move on. Img8

On the other hand, if they continue to show interest in you, you can judge their sincerity. Most thirty-somethings and above are beyond the crap and can show genuine interest in a woman because we’re looking for something more.

2. The future is mapped out. When you’re dating a 22 year old boy who says he wants to be a rock star, that’s cute. You might date him and tell your friends he’s going to be the next Justin Timberlake or whatever. You have no way of knowing if he’s serious or not. Unfortunately, it may take you 8 years to figure out he’s not going to actually ever get famous, and by that time you’ve invested so much time into the relationship you can’t move on.

On the other hand, a man in his mid-30’s knows where he’s going and how he wants to get there. If he says he’s going to own his own business, then if he’s not well on his way you can count him out. He has either gone to college and done something with his degree, or might possibly be in college getting a degree to better himself. Most of our dreams are dead by 35 as cold, hard reality has set in. We know that the only way to actually accomplish anything in life is to apply ourselves and make that happen. You can look at this man and know ahead of time what your future together will probably be.

3. We take our time. Understand something, a man in his mid-30’s no longer notches the bed post (for the most part). He’s looking for a james-bond-16relationship, and when the intimacy begins he’s in no hurry to finish it. Sports are great, and the stock market is interesting, but when cloth leaves skin the focus change s. There’s a reason why James Bond is always played by a man in his late 30’s, you know.

We know where the “hot spots” are. We actually know about foreplay. We are looking for an earth-shattering hour. We are not some college frat boy who is going to slam it home and then go grab a brew. You never know…you might actually get something out of the experience rather than hoping you can catch up before your boyfriend ends the show.

4. We respect you. This one is interesting. You can take it or leave it and we don’t care. We’ve been with enough losers to understand a psychochick when we see her, and we can usually see those warning signs long before they arrive. If we show interest in you, and you reciprocate, we’re going to try and make this work. We will actually listen when you talk, and can possibly even remember things you like. We aren’t sitting there while you’re speaking thinking, “Chick, shut up and get naked!” (well, I mean, we might be–we aren’t dead after all–but we’re still going to listen). We’re not going to talk about your exploits to our buddies, or post private pictures of you on the Internet, or forget your phone number after we make out. We’re beyond the games, and ready for something serious.

And finally…

5. We’re mature (for the most part). Posey FamilyLook, women are more mature than men most of the time, and I can readily accept and  acknowledge this. So when you find an older man, you are finding someone who just might be your equal in maturity. You both might have similar goals in the relationship, and by that time in a man’s life he’s probably got similar goals as far as a family goes too. Your pretty boy college boyfriend might  not want kids because he’s afraid it’ll cut into his fun with his buddies, while an older man is ready for kids and could actually end up being a father who actually participates in raising the kids.

 

I have a friend who is 43 and just married a girl who is 25. She’s head-over-heels in love with him, and vice versa. Their age difference has caused quite a few people to raise their eyebrows, but when I see them together I don’t notice anything besides the fact that they are obviously made for each other.

So hey, next time you’re considering a guy to date, don’t automatically take him out of the running because he’s a few years older than you. You might not appreciate the difference now, but it just might make all the difference for a successful relationship in the long run.

37 Responses to Benefits to Dating an Older Guy

  1. susanawalsh says:

    Ohhhh, gotta say, I love love love your blog. I wrote a post that makes a good bookend to this one at my blog Hooking Up Smart:

    http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/04/01/hookinguprealities/7-loser-guys-to-waste-your-youth-and-beauty-on/

    My readers are youngish women for the most part – the exact girl you describe in this article. I think they would love this – I could link to it, but would you consider it as a guest post? In any case, I’m gonna put you on my Blogroll. Women are desperate to figure out what guys want, and your site is tailor made for that. Nice job!

    • Milki says:

      I loved this article! I am 22 and I am dating a man in his late forties, and yes everything in the article is true! I really, really like him and he treats me with respect. The best part is he takes his time in the bed room! Older guys- YOU ROCK!!

  2. thetruthfulman says:

    Sure, I have no problem being considered a guest post. Thanks for adding me to your blogroll. I haven’t started one here yet, but I’ll check out your site and you might be the one that gets it started here.

  3. susanawalsh says:

    Hey, truthful man, just wanted to let you know that your article has gotten a few comments on Hooking Up Smart. And I also got a thumbs up about it from someone on Twitter…anyway, stop by and reply if you’d like!

  4. hollyamy says:

    I have to agree with you on most of the points here about guys 30 & over. At 25 I have been engaged twice to two peopl under 30 and worst experience I’ve had. All of my more positive relationships have been 30+ age range.

    After all the drama with mis 20 somethings, I finally found a really great guy who is 9 yrs older than me, he is 34 and I would not change a thing about him. Rarely do I find that anyone can say this about their partner, maybe he just has it all together not really sure…I do know no one can match him in bed…lol so as he puts it ‘He’s not 34 for nothing’ I have to agree with him there! We all have our own personal little issues, that can’t be denied and I’d be lying if I said otherwise, but I’m telling you 34 is certainly the man I am happy with :)

    My salonist married a man 15 yrs older than her and it is funny that I find the most drastic age different couples seem the happiest, every time I meet a couple like this.

    Best experience of my time so far so I can only hope it gets better from here.

  5. Actually there are anthropological reasons for to date older guys.

    1. They are more financiallly stable and more likely to provide the security a woman craves.

    2. They are less likely to run off with a younger woman later in life (They’ve got one NOW!)

    3. The rest of the points are made in the post above (experienced, less flighty, etc.)

    Great blog! Keep up the good work. Guys and gals need the truth and you speak it!

    makeyourwifehot.com

  6. hambydammit says:

    Nice blog!

    For what it’s worth, I found your blog through Susana Walsh’s.

    I hunted around a little bit, and haven’t found what I was looking for online, but I remember reading that some mathematician had taken cross-cultural statistics and designed an algorithm to determine what is the “perfect age” for a man and a woman to find and keep a happy relationship. If memory serves, the numbers say a 32 year old man and 26 year old woman are the best match. I also seem to recall that there isn’t much difference between 32 and 38. That is, a 26 year old woman with a man between 32 and 38 has pretty much the same chance of it working out in the long term.

    I wish I could find that online. Meh.

    Anyway, I write about relationships from an evolutionary point of view on my blog, and I address a lot of the things you talk about from the science side — explaining not only what people do, but why our genes program us to do what we do.

    Here is my blog: http://hambydammit.wordpress.com/

    and here are a couple of interesting articles about mating and dating behavior. (My blog is also about religion, philosophy, atheism, etc, so you have to dig a little.)

    http://hambydammit.wordpress.com/2009/01/17/the-monogamy-puzzle/

    http://hambydammit.wordpress.com/2009/02/20/cmon-baby-knock-me-a-kiss/

    I hope you enjoy them!

  7. Sara says:

    I’m a 22 year old girl and I totally agree that older men are more mature and often better at handling relationships.

    I gotta say though, I’ve been in cities where there are plenty of gorgeous, single men who are in their thirties.

    And they’re gorgeous and single for a reason: because they want to be. They don’t want a relationship, or kids, or stability…
    They just want a 22 year old to mess around with!

  8. anglhugnu2 says:

    Remarkable….simply remarkable! Thanks….this was an enormously reaffirmation of so many thing I have been thinking lately.

  9. AnnaSophia says:

    Love your blog. I’m in love with a man 19 years my senior. (I’m 34 and he’s 53). He is intelligent, funny, athletic, experienced in business and life, and has a great relationship with his kids and ex-wife. There is no comparison to the men I’ve dated before. He is romantic, kind, and committed. We knew each other for 5 years before we got together (he was my university professor, my thesis advisor, then I was his TA, and later worked with him at a company). He never made a move, waited for me. The only problem I see is that I won’t have children as he doesn’t want to start again – I’m not totally decided on whether I want children so this is not a huge problem. But everything else is perfect and I feel blessed. When I hear my girlfriends complaining about their husbands not cleaning up, looking after their kids, not being motivated to work or make money, etc. I realize how lucky I am. It raises eyebrows that we are together but people always told me that I would need a significantly older man to date (I’m really intellectual and found it hard to find my match on this in a younger man). So many benefits to dating an older man!! I’m so happy. When you find your soulmate/equal, age does not matter.

  10. Greger says:

    Never doubt an older man has much to offer.

  11. erwright says:

    I’m 33 a I’ve always dated men younger then me. Recently I started hanging out with a man who is 47. He has been trying to talk to me for nearly a year and about 3 weeks ago I decided to give him a try. He’s completly different from anyone I’ve ever dated or been around. We said we would take it day by day and whatever happens we will go with it. He wants to see me often and when we watch movies he holds me. He works which is something I’m not use to in prevous relationships I’m just scared for some reason but he is someone I could wake up to every morning.

  12. Ikonographi says:

    I’m a single, 33 year old man…my experience with this topic has been sadly negative. While I agree with the author’s poitns concerning our realtive “maturity” vs. our collegiate competition…there are amyriad of social issues which make this difficult in practice if perfect in theory.

    I have a young friend (she is 20) who grew up as a neighbor when I was a teenager. During the summers, I mowed her family’s lawn, and even courted her older sister breifly, without success, and no lingering dramatics. When I returned ot the area following eight years as a professional military officer, we re-connected, and have developed a sincere and meaningful platonic association.

    After some months, I began to realize that the “little girl in pig-tails” had grown into a rather impressive young woman…desiring to stay in the area, working on her nursing degree, and well…looking much like a woman as well.

    Eventually, I started to wonder if after a year or two of failing to make any romantic connections elsewhere, I was potenitlaly ignoring something truly valuable. She had even begun to give me the “signals” I would expect from a woman closer to my age opening the possibility of a dating realtionship. However, when I first began dropping hints that I definitely felt the same way…she reacted something between amused and confused.

    Naturally…I backed off…quick

    The age difference is an issue for one predominant reason…the younger you are, the less of your life is “concrete”. Her options for everything from career to romance vastly exceed what I realitically accept in my own life…I long ago gave up the plan of becoming a rural seaplane pilot in Canada :)

    The sad part is that women my own age seem to envy that flexibility so much, even friends who have always been “mature” begin drifitng father aware from the security that’s right in front of them…as their own person…let alone as part of a couple.

    My only suggestion here is that the above formula works if the older man is of significant means, health, etc…it would certianly help if he had Bond’s job, money and six pack :)

  13. Sharia says:

    I am 28- Dating a 47 year old man. All I can say is he drives me.. Hmmmmm… Crazy- in- bed! He understands me, knows what I’m thinking and when we go out- we have a blast. I couldn’t see myself with someone my age because of the maturity level. A older man might be looking to have fun but some are also looking for someone to settle. Don’t knock it til you try it ladies ;)

  14. jill says:

    hold on everyone – there is a reason all these guys are dating…..
    They don’t commit!!! All of these guys are still single in there 40’s for a reason. Major committal problems with many of them so watch out. They are great in bed – no doubt about that… but when push comes to shove.. they tend to disappear with no good-bye or no reason why.

    • Ikonographi says:

      Jill-

      I’m 34 and still single…not quite in my “middle age” yet, but certainly the “last man standing” amongst my immediate peers when it comes to matriomony.

      To be frank, your statement that single men in their 40’s “can’t commit” isn’t without validity…and yet I think you’ve oversimplified the issue a bit…as have many of the other commenters here.

      Although I’d admit that “mature” men have somewhat better skills in the bedroom (more a factor of experience)…that can’t be what really drives you ladies in your early 20’s to date someone old enough to be your father, can it?

      Let’s face it…marriage is (in the civilized world at elast) largely a significnat financial, professional and personal risk for a man…despite what many of you might think , if we are in our “middle age” and not totally inept, we’ve had our share of trysts, and if that is all we wanted, then why would we even waste the time, energy and money pursuing anything more serious than a one night stand?

      No, there are quite a few of us who put marriage on the back-burner in favor of launching careers, establishing ourselves, etc…only to realize that sucess doesn’t buy happiness. Now, pushing 40, we are trying to capture the attention of women who did the opposite…married “Bo” the football hero and got left with a child or two and an encyclopedia of the worst behavior in men. The other half who did what we did seem to like it more than we do…maybe it does take a tougher woman to exist in our world…who knows?

      What I do know is that a younger woman at least presents a more mature man with the opportunity to actually “be a man”…be responsible, sort it out…heck, the whole “dream” of being the proverbial “knight in shining armor”…unless that’s fueled by a chauvanistic and egotistical streak four miles thick…what’s wrong with that?

      Maybe some of these middle aged men who “can’t commit” are simply too well established in homes, careers, stable lives to wed a woman who desperately desires to relocate…go back to school…travel to Africa to open a free health clinic. Younger men are less rooted in who they are…they like the after-hours aspect of a relationship enought to ” go with the flow”…though they will undoubtedly fail in a much larger aspect to meet the daylight requirements of being involved.

  15. TB says:

    When I was a young woman I dated older men nearly exclusively. Now that I am in my 30s I have started being asked out by younger men. Honestly, for me, I’ve found that men who are in their mid thirties and never married tend to have highly unrealistic expectations of what they are going to find in a relationship. I would qualify the “older men are better” statement. In my experience anyway, men who have endured emotional hardship and who used it as an opportunity to grow make great partners. Most of those men, though, are probably dating women who are their peers or can somehow relate to their life experiences.

    I have to say I found it rather funny that’d you’d even make the case for an older man/younger woman when that dynamic is hardly frowned upon or uncommon. It’s more the norm than anything else. I suppose now, though, men who experience being dismissed simply because of their age and nothing more have a taste of what women are typically subjected to. Apropos I loved this OKTrends blog on “The Case For An Older Woman”

    http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-case-for-an-older-woman/

    Welcome to the sad world of agism in dating, guys! :P

  16. missi says:

    I am 23 and just started dating this guy who’s 44. After reading this article, i feel much better and safe because in the beginning, it used to scare me because of the age difference. Wish me good luck on this relationship because i am sick and tired of guys of my age…Smh

  17. astralsoul@hotmail.ca says:

    I know for some men,they never mature..my mom met this guy on a dating site,he is 53..and he has never married and is still single..while other older men are just looking for intimate encounters..so maybe age doesn’t really make a difference for some..

    Now moving on to my lovely story :) i’m 20 years old and my boyfriend is 35..he is everything you wrote on this article and he is the best thing that’s ever happened…actually he is my first boyfriend..i don’t bother dating younger guys cause i know how they are, their are hardly any mature guys in their teen years…i got good intuition don’t need to take the time to know them..just something i quickly scan and feel.

    i wasn’t really expecting to be with someone, but i keep myself open just in case you never know.Been like this since i was around 13 lol i always thought love was for the weak emotional people that need reassurance love and whatnot,i thought it was dumb..but as i said i kept my options open….

    Sooo i met this guy on plenty off fish,mostly looking for friends but he caught my eye, i kinda missed the age because i just wanted to read his profile so skipped to it, he was..very cute by the way and doesn’t really look his age..i really liked what i read,there was something about him that i liked,but couldn’t put a finger on,its my first time trying to date someone older then me but it was the best decision i ever made that day :)

    we haven’t met yet cause we want to take it slow and steady so that it will blossom into something beautiful, it just doesn’t feel right to meet right now the timing has to be there,i know it will be special when we see each other we have only talked for 3 months in 1 more day it will be 4 months..and so far its getting better and better,he is just like me the age gap has made no difference!! makes us even closer..feels like my brother!!!

    he doesn’t even have any children!! which i was impressed by,because we both hate kids..he has never been married,the women he had been with was rushing into marriage to fast,these women were not the people he wanted to spend the rest of his life with because he knew that there was someone else he wanted to give his soul to =)

    we both prefer to spend our lives enjoying each other without any disruptions and responsibility…all we want to do is discover the world together just completely merge souls together for as long as eternity takes us :) :)

  18. Ania says:

    I couldn’t agree more, but it’s very frustrating at times dating older men. They worry about the age difference, opening up to you, they are distant and sometimes cold, but rest assured ladies, the sex is always hot. All of which I went through with my man, it was annoying as hell. I really wanted to tell him how I felt, but since he was not telling me how he felt about me, I kept to myself. But there was this night, while he was making love to me, I am there looking at him exploring every inch of my body and I am like melting inside, I just get so fed up, while I was on top, I lean forward and say angrily to him, ‘ Fine, you don’t want to say it, so I’ll be the bigger person and say it first. It’s you I want Goddamn it.”

  19. Rachael says:

    I’m 19 and my fiancée is 36. He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met and after 6 months I can’t imagine ever being without him! At first my friends and family weren’t thrilled but once they met him it all changed.
    The only issue we have is his ex because they had children. She is very rude and at times violent towards me because he won’t leave me for her and it causes stress. I don’t exactly know how to handle a situation like this.

  20. Anthony says:

    Im a 47 older man, recently divorced with 2 kids, dating a younger woman of 30. In her past, she suffered a failed marriage with a younger man around her age who just demonstrated low levels of maturity among other issues.

    I didn’t chose her for her age, i just found my soul mate.

    Her younger age helps us connect as there is mutual respect and she values my successes while I see her amazing potential. We are made for each other.

    Im experienced enough to know when I found the person I want to spend my life with, thats the beauty, it took me 45 years !

    As a man, I can say that the age difference has many benefits due to our natural maturity levels. At 30 my lady demands a lot form me, but I gladly give her all the love she needs, I always listen to her and just adore giving her the stability she needs. I simply find that, what she wants and needs , is what I love giving for her. And vice versa.

    Our sex life is mind blowing for both of us, something that either of us never dreamed of.

    We are both very happy and are intending in getting married and having our own family soon.

    Its easy to judge a book by its cover, but if you want a more deep and fulfilling experience, find a man who will cherish you and love you for who you are.

    Age is not as important as you think, its all about connection and honesty. Love survives when both parties value it. An older man usually understands this.

  21. Sparkles says:

    I’m extremely glad I found this site.
    I’m 22 years old n I’m dating a 40yr old who’s naturally amazing.
    His great with other people n is a typical nobel man..
    He is exactly what u have mention in this column n I’m happy that I read it.

    I must admit be being too cautious n scared at times because of his levels of committing to me but I’m happy with him.

  22. 26F w/48M says:

    I’m a 26 year old female who has a 48 year old boyfriend. I have been with him for 7 months and my family likes and approves of him.

    Before my wiser and “seasoned” boyfriend, I have dated males my own age. In my own personal experiences, I have noticed that they happened to being quite immature compared to my new and wonderful boyfriend. However, this relationship comes with his fair share of baggage…

    With a 21 year age difference, he has had some extensive life experience. He has been married before to a woman he cannot stand and has 3 young boys, to which I am completely okay with. With that mentioned, my boyfriend is newly and legally separated. He has moved out of the home he had shared with his Ex and 3 young boys. He asked me to move out with him in the Spring with his children and I have agreed to do so. So far, my boyfriend’s Ex does not know about me because she would probably act extra foolish toward my boyfriend and use me as leverage for something ridiculous. He does not need additional stress since he already has a stressful career.

    I sometimes wonder how we are going to pull this off before his ex finds out about me before the divorce is finalized. What could potentially go wrong?? He has moved on by moving out and his Ex is aware that he will eventually go into another relationship. But so soon??
    We have been seeing each other before he even asked his Ex for a divorce! Now talk about some Soap Opera baby drama mama. Wwwow. I’m in for a surprise or two!!

  23. sunshine foster says:

    I’m impressed, honestly. I’m 27 and I’m dating a 64 year old guy, I love him. He’s so into everything I do, he appreciates everything I do for him. He has his bucks yes and he’s treats me like a princess. He takes his time when its comes to intimacy and I enjoy every move he makes. He wants a child and I’m gonna give it to him cuz he’s a good guy. Besides I never date a guy my age, they are not sure of wat they want.

  24. sarah says:

    Spot on! I loved this article! My boyfriend is 32 and Im only 20. People usually stare at us while we are out shopping, it doesnt bother me what so ever. The fact that Im a meer 4′ 11′ and 115lbs, I look young enough to be his daughter. I think its funny. Hes very mature and sweet. Hes chasing his dream of becoming a rockstar. Ive gone with him and his band on a few tours. I love it!!! I myself am very mature for my age. Hes complentmented me on how well i can take care of myself. Huge turn on. We dont live together just yet so what other choice do i have? We will get there. But im in no rush. I love you Brad!!!

  25. love says:

    i must say i agree. im 20, but i see myself creating a pattern of dating older men. my last man was basically 30, and there is a new guy i’m talking to in his mid 30’s. the maturity, the respect, the stability, the patience. They know what to say, they are gentlemen, and they just naturally make you feel like a little princess when they talk to you.

  26. ninaisea says:

    My mom always said that! Look for an older man if you dont want to end up raising that kid too! (she married a younger man). I feel relaxed when dating a older man..Im 23 he is 33 and I dont have that “if he going to call” he dont play he goea to the point and i love that! Dont want to lose more time trying to figure out an idiot on his 25!!!

  27. lucy says:

    I love what you wrote because it’s all so true. Ive always loved dating older guys because they are more mature and know exactly what they want out of life. My boyfriend is 36 and i am 22. We have been going out for a year and a half so far and moved in together after 3 months of dating and we really do love each other. He makes me so happy and is
    uite the gentleman. My family hated the age difference and my mother wouldnt even talk to him.

  28. lucy says:

    Also, alot of friends doubted our relationship. Because she was in a relationship like mine once? Um ok doesnt mean mine is gonna be like that. Anyway, we have been talking about marriage since we met and kids are definitely happening. Oh and this is the best part.. a couple of my friends that said they would never date an older guy.. they are now because they can see how happy i am. So older guys are awesomr.. give them a chance!

  29. Porcelain doll says:

    Thank you i really needed to hear this as an older guy has recently approached me and just wont stop trying. I am 22 and he is in his early 30’s i doubted him coz of his age but ouh my God he is axactly what i need mature and his long-term plans and everything. When talking to him his conversations actually make sense and are abt the future and im falling for him fast, the only broblem is….. I have a child with his younger half brother who is utterly childish, doesnt want me, wont even make a conversation with me when im at his house, keeps answering phones and going out, there is just no connection between us anymore. What do i do?

    • thetruthfulman says:

      You don’t mention if you’re married to the half brother or not. If you are, that’s a commitment you’ve made. Work on the marriage, see if the brother will go to counseling with you if you feel it will help. If he’s just not into the relationship, you’ll need to seriously look at the situation and your future (and the future of your child) in it before making any decisions with the older brother. It’s a sticky situation anyway. You never mention the relationship the brothers have with each other, but there can’t be much respect there if the older one is making any moves toward you at all. He obviously has no respect for his younger brother (possibly with good reason…I don’t know the situation). I CAN say that when you jump ship to the other brother, you’ll effectively cut ties with the younger one forever. And you’ll have to be honest with yourself as well: are you really falling for the older brother, or is he just showing you the attention you are so desperately wanting from the younger one and so you THINK you’re falling for him. If that’s the case, soon after you make the move the older one could grow bored as well and suddenly you have no one. You are going to have to take a long hard look at yourself and be honest with yourself. Is the older brother playing you just like the younger one did? Maybe the best thing is actually to walk away from both of them and find a stable guy later on. Again, this is something you’ll have to decide for yourself.

  30. this is my first time of visiting your site.

    with such a great post i will surely comeback hopefully you will not disappoint :)

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