Well, since my last group of ideas was so popular, I thought I’d give you a quick heads-up on a few things you definitely want to avoid. Some of these might seem fun or useful, but please don’t do it!
1) The Giant Viagra Pill (or anything remotely like it). 
Unless your man is an absolute stallion in the bedroom and he knows it without a doubt, this is a bad idea. It’s a really bad idea if your man is having a few…ahem, issues…in the bedroom already. Nothing will absolutely crush his ego like a not-so-subtle reminder he needs to get with the program under the sheets.
So what if you’re the passion-starved woman in the relationship and you want to let him know he needs to kick it in a little? Go with something like silk boxers and massage oil, along with a note saying you’re looking forward to seeing him in these, but you’re more excited about seeing them hanging from the ceiling fan. Tickle his mind with ideas and give him a gentle nudge in the right direction. Final hint: save this gift for Christmas night after the kids are in bed and it’s just the two of you.
On the flip side, if you’re breaking up with a guy, send him this in an unmarked box to his company Christmas party, along with a note saying, “Thought you could use the help. Sorry about your problem.” in huge letters with lipstick on the signature. It will definitely pop his balloon.
2. A tie. 
Maybe it’s because we used to throw these off on our own fathers because we had no idea what else to get them, but this seems the most impersonal gift you could ever give the man you love. Nothing says “You aren’t worth shopping for” like a tie. I know you think a gift card would be more impersonal, but at least with a gift card we know we can go get something we want with your permission. If you get us a tie, we know we have to keep it.
3. A man-thong. 
Ok, so I suggested silk boxers, but I’m saying a thong for him is wrong? What’s up with that? Simple: unless your guy works out like crazy, he’s not going to have the butt to pull this off. You have to have mountains of self-confidence to wear one of these, even in candlelight!
Don’t get me wrong, we understand that putting this on is going to result in sex. This isn’t a gift you give a guy for every day casual work attire. But just the same, it’s a big step for a lot of guys.
Yes, I know, you ladies might think “Well, he wants me to wear one!” And you are absolutely right. But let’s take a moment here and consider things: just be honest, which if you has the better butt? Not being sexist here, but honestly, women are designed by God to look better back there than the average man. From the front, it’s a beautiful, smooth design highlighting the back. You can wear one and look amazing no matter what, whereas we look like we’ve got a puppy crammed in the front of our underwear and our buns need a shave.
4. Self-improvement books. 
Unless he specifically asked for it, you might as well just give him a note saying “You a worthless, directionless, lazy bum and I want you to do something about it.” The only way this rule does not apply is if the book happens to have “Kama Sutra” in the title. If that’s the case, bring it on!
And finally…
5. Glow in the dark or flavored condoms.
I’ll bet you’re thinking this is a great idea he’d love because it lets him know you’re ready to help him use them, right? Well, that’s not quite right. Yes, we know it’s leading to sex, but the thoughts of the lights being out in the bedroom and suddenly this glowing pickle (or carrot, or Vienna sausage…whatever the case may be) shows up…it’s a little distracting. Now imagine that glow appearing and disappearing, appearing and disappearing, etc. It kind of seems like we’re making love on a neon sign. On the other hand, it does allow us to have our own personal Light Saber, so if you’re willing to throw in the Star Wars special effects sounds (and wear the Princess Leia metal bikini from “Return of the Jedi”) 
it might be fun after all.
As far as flavored goes, please don’t. Most of those things have a strong scent. I mean, if you’re going to…um…make use of the flavor, that’s cool. Otherwise, we open that puppy up in the heat of passion and suddenly have this incredible urge to stop what we’re doing and run to the kitchen for strawberries and mint.
So that’s it! If you’ve already bought any of these, I hope you kept the receipt. Ladies, feel free to comment on ideas of what you want your man to get you for Christmas. We’ll try to put something together to help out those last-minute shoppers.
Hope I’ve been a help this holiday season!
December 9, 2008 at 4:51 pm |
I’m a fanatic snowmen collector (fake ones of course) but the whole point is that I collect unique snowmen. And every year I get a snowmen or two that are similar to a snowman I already have. So every year I get a new snowmen and only like 1 out of 5 snowmen is suitable for my collection.
And every time I tell my kids not to get me a snowman but they still do. So here’s a tip you can add in a future article. If a woman repeatedly says that you shouldn’t buy a certain item, then don’t buy it!
PS: I love your articles!