Tips for New Year’s Resolutions for Men

Let’s be honest, as January 1st rolls in, people everywhere are scurrying around to make plans for big changes in the upcoming year. Most of the time, these changes will be the same ones they had the year before, but that never stops anyone. Here are a few tips for some resolutions you might actually keep for a change.

1. Forget the exercise machines. If you aren’t already a member of a gym, now is not the time to start. If you don’t already own (and use) a Bowflex, then put down the phone and forget it. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with exercise, but let’s face it: the gyms get crowded in January, and thin out by February. Why? Because everybody wants to get into shape, but then when they find out it takes effort they give up on it.

Rather than spend money on a home machine you won’t use (or will only use twice), save the money. Do simple exercises at home for a while, and if you’re still interested in getting into shape in a month, then look into a membership. But don’t tell anyone…everyone has heard it before from other folks and they won’t believe it. Wait for them to start noticing the difference in you.

2. The year probably didn’t suck as bad as you think it did. We all want a better year next time around, but be sure to appreciate everything that happened this year. It may not have been the best year ever, but try to find a few things to be thankful for and then plan on repeating at least those successes this year.

3. You are not going bungee jumping. We look back on the year and we realize we never did do that “big thing” we always wanted to, so what do we do? Well, that’s when we usually make that stupid mistake and sign ourselves up for some over-the-top experience we think will make up for it all. The next thing we know, we’re standing at the open door of an airplane 20,000 feet up with a parachute strapped to our back and some surfer boy half our age giving us the thumbs up as he shoves us out of the plane.

Dude, just admit it: you’re not going to do that “big thing” everyone else is pushing. It’s a lot of fun to watch someone bungee jump off a bridge over a raging river, but it’s another thing entirely to be the fool tied up and going over. So for heaven’s sake, don’t sign up for anything from December 26-January 15! It’ll all blow over by then.

4. Set it in your mind to do something about it, or just shut up. Face it, the first week of January around the office stinks. Why? Because everyone is lamenting the previous year and giving their ideas for what they’re going to do to make this year better. They’re going to get in shape, get married, have kids, climb Mount Everest, or any of a hundred other ideas that will never take shape. The problem is that you know they won’t take shape, but you can’t say anything about it without seeming like a jerk.

Instead, just don’t join the ranks. If you want to do something with the year and you know you are going to do it, then talk about it. If it’s nothing more than an inclination, shut up about it. Let the people around you stand in shame next year as they talk yet again about how they’re going to do this or that, while you stand there the man of his word.

 

As you can see, there’s nothing earth-shattering here, but it’s just little

things to think about. Set yourself apart from the crowd this coming year.

 

 

 

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Christmas Gift Ideas for the Woman in Your Life

Let’s face it: very few men can shop and come away with something useful for their woman without guidance. We may live with you, sleep with you, and breed with you, but we are clueless when it comes to what to get you when the need arises. Here’s a few tips for the guys this time around:

1. If she says don’t get it–unless it’s jewelry–then don’t get it. This one was suggested by a reader (thanks, Jessica!), and it’s true. You’re walking in the mall with your lady and you notice something you think she’d like. You point it out and she says, “No, don’t get me that”…that settles it. Don’t buy it. Don’t second-guess her, don’t override her–just don’t buy it! Trust me, if she honestly wants it, she’ll let you know. The last thing she wants to do is open something she plainly told you not to buy and yet now she has to act like she likes.

The only time this is not true is when it comes to jewelry. That’s when you’ll get the coy little, “Oh no, that’s too expensive!” routine, with a little smile and twinkle in her eye. At that point, if you do not buy her that item, Christmas morning will get very ugly.

One year my wife mentioned she’d love diamond stud earrings, but that they were too expensive so I shouldn’t buy them. I did anyway, and then proceeded to put them in the very bottom of her stocking, underneath all the useless stuff we usually cram in there. She opened all her gifts and enjoyed them, but I could tell there was something in particular she was looking for. She had a slightly deflated look on her face as we reached for the stockings (the last thing we open on Christmas morning), and tried her best to appreciate the socks, candy, and whatever else was in there. Finally, she found this little package at the bottom and opened it. The look on her face was priceless. Trust me, this one is rock solid.

2. If you have to know weight or size, DO NOT GUESS! I cannot stress this enough: you cannot win if you must guess a dress or shoe size! Unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt what size she is, avoid clothing at all costs! Get it wrong, and you are a dead man. Checking in the closet to see what her other outfits are will not help much either. Men buy jeans based on waist size and length. We can easily know what we’re looking for because it plainly says 34×34, and we can understand that means 34 inch waist, 34 inch length. Ahhh, but women’s clothes…that is a much different animal. Even if she can fit in the exact same pair of jeans you wear, her’s won’t say 34. Oh no, her’s will say “10″ or something like that. My wife wears a “4 S” which actually means “4 short” (I have come to understand). While to me as a guy that seems like I should be looking at doll clothing, this is an actual size to a woman. Dress sizes are just as confusing, and just as dangerous. Numerically, there isn’t much difference between the numbers “6″ and “8″, but to a woman that’s like 20 pounds!

The only worse thing you could do is purchase the wrong size bra. Too small, and you give her an inferiority complex (“Do I look that little to you? Am I not enough for you?”). Too big, and it isn’t any better (“What? Are these for your girlfriend or something? Are you saying I need to grow into them? You want me to get a boob job, don’t you?”).

Unless she has plainly written out for you on a sheet of paper exactly the size she needs for everything, steer clear of any article of clothing. Instead, go for a luxury, pamper-yourself type item like bubble bath (provided you’re going to watch the kids long enough to let her use it) or perfume.

3. Don’t buy anything for her to wear that’s edible. We men think it’s perfect gift because it involves our two favorite things: sex and food. What could be better than a woman wearing food? It’s like making love to a Philly cheesesteak! Women, however, do not see it that way. Few will actually wear it (does anyone actually put those on?), and it will be a wasted gift item. She’ll open it thinking (from the look on your face) it’s something wonderful, only to have her balloon popped quickly. The truth is edible undies don’t taste that good anyway. It’s like trying to tear shoe leather off a woman’s naked body without biting her hard enough to ruin the mood. It should actually be a game on a reality show somewhere.

Most women love Victoria’s Secret stuff. We men used to love it because they used to sell sexy stuff in there. Now it’s just mostly normal underwear. Get the list of sizes I told you to get from her and go nuts. She’ll probably love just about anything from there that isn’t too skimpy.

4. Just because she mentions she likes something, doesn’t mean she wants every possible variation of it. Understand something: we men are desperate for gift ideas. If a woman casually mentions she likes Garfield, we scream “Thank You, Jesus!” and rush off thinking we finally know what to get her. We grab Garfield shirts, panties, socks, dolls, videos, and anything else we can find. Suddenly she’s sitting there on Christmas morning with a confused look on her face trying to figure out why on earth you bought her a Garfield lunchbox and a dozen other weird items to go with it.

See, men are different than women in this respect. When a guy “likes” something, he doesn’t mind having lots of whatever it is, in very different forms. For instance, I have a friend who “likes” the Miami Dolphins. His man-cave (basement) is filled with everything you could imagine. He has Miami Dolphins pictures, commemorative plates, a signed football helmet, Christmas ornaments, posters, magnets, old schedules, and tons of other crap just like it. He even has a dolphin’s head with a Miami helmet on it!

His wife, on the other hand, “likes” snowmen. The entire rest of the house (which is hers to decorate) has exactly 3 snowmen throughout. To her, that is a collection. See how we men could get a little confused as to why you’re not falling over yourself because we found that Garfield foot warmer?

If you’re sure she likes Garfield, get her one unique item that makes the statement “I know you like this cat, and I wanted to get you something that shows I actually put some thought into this.” Shop Ebay and I promise you can find some unusual jewelry box (put a necklace in there while you’re at it), small porcelain statue, or something that she never knew existed. That one item can make more of a statement that a dozen Garfield panties ever could.

And finally…

5. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s a lot of pressure trying to make sure your lady isn’t disappointed on Christmas morning. If you are wandering through the store aisles still absolutely clueless over what to get her, then get someone to help you. Call her best friend (that should be you, but whatever), sister, mom, or someone else who might have actually listened to her when she mentioned stuff she wanted. Rather than just grab things you hope she’ll like or guess she’ll like, take the time to find out what she really will like. Ask her to write out a list of ten items (and sizes of each…listen to me on this, man!) she’d love to have. Maybe it feels a little like cheating to you because it doesn’t seem like she’s getting any surprises, but I promise it’s the best thing to do. You want her opening that gift to find the purse she’s been wanting, not the toaster/waffle iron/cappuccino-machine you thought was a good idea.

In all honesty, while it’s not easy to find the perfect gift, it’s not that hard to at least find something she’ll enjoy. Before you go to the mall, know what you’re going for. I promise you, putting the extra effort in before you get there will make all the difference in the world.

Merry Christmas!

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Christmas Gift Ideas to Avoid for Men

Well, since my last group of ideas was so popular, I thought I’d give you a quick heads-up on a few things you definitely want to avoid. Some of these might seem fun or useful, but please don’t do it!

1) The Giant Viagra Pill (or anything remotely like it). Unless your man is an absolute stallion in the bedroom and he knows it without a doubt, this is a bad idea. It’s a really bad idea if your man is having a few…ahem, issues…in the bedroom already. Nothing will absolutely crush his ego like a not-so-subtle reminder he needs to get with the program under the sheets.

So what if you’re the passion-starved woman in the relationship and you want to let him know he needs to kick it in a little? Go with something like silk boxers and massage oil, along with a note saying you’re looking forward to seeing him in these, but you’re more excited about seeing them hanging from the ceiling fan. Tickle his mind with ideas and give him a gentle nudge in the right direction. Final hint: save this gift for Christmas night after the kids are in bed and it’s just the two of you.

On the flip side, if you’re breaking up with a guy, send him this in an unmarked box to his company Christmas party, along with a note saying, “Thought you could use the help. Sorry about your problem.” in huge letters with lipstick on the signature. It will definitely pop his balloon.

2. A tie. Maybe it’s because we used to throw these off on our own fathers because we had no idea what else to get them, but this seems the most impersonal gift you could ever give the man you love. Nothing says “You aren’t worth shopping for” like a tie. I know you think a gift card would be more impersonal, but at least with a gift card we know we can go get something we want with your permission. If you get us a tie, we know we have to keep it.

3. A man-thong. Ok, so I suggested silk boxers, but I’m saying a thong for him is wrong? What’s up with that? Simple: unless your guy works out like crazy, he’s not going to have the butt to pull this off. You have to have mountains of self-confidence to wear one of these, even in candlelight!

Don’t get me wrong, we understand that putting this on is going to result in sex. This isn’t a gift you give a guy for every day casual work attire. But just the same, it’s a big step for a lot of guys.

Yes, I know, you ladies might think “Well, he wants me to wear one!” And you are absolutely right. But let’s take a moment here and consider things: just be honest, which if you has the better butt? Not being sexist here, but honestly, women are designed by God to look better back there than the average man. From the front, it’s a beautiful, smooth design highlighting the back. You can wear one and look amazing no matter what, whereas we look like we’ve got a puppy crammed in the front of our underwear and our buns need a shave.

4. Self-improvement books. Unless he specifically asked for it, you might as well just give him a note saying “You a worthless, directionless, lazy bum and I want you to do something about it.” The only way this rule does not apply is if the book happens to have “Kama Sutra” in the title. If that’s the case, bring it on!

And finally…

5. Glow in the dark or flavored condoms. I’ll bet you’re thinking this is a great idea he’d love because it lets him know you’re ready to help him use them, right? Well, that’s not quite right. Yes, we know it’s leading to sex, but the thoughts of the lights being out in the bedroom and suddenly this glowing pickle (or carrot, or Vienna sausage…whatever the case may be) shows up…it’s a little distracting. Now imagine that glow appearing and disappearing, appearing and disappearing, etc. It kind of seems like we’re making love on a neon sign. On the other hand, it does allow us to have our own personal Light Saber, so if you’re willing to throw in the Star Wars special effects sounds (and wear the Princess Leia metal bikini from “Return of the Jedi”) it might be fun after all.

As far as flavored goes, please don’t. Most of those things have a strong scent. I mean, if you’re going to…um…make use of the flavor, that’s cool. Otherwise, we open that puppy up in the heat of passion and suddenly have this incredible urge to stop what we’re doing and run to the kitchen for strawberries and mint.

So that’s it! If you’ve already bought any of these, I hope you kept the receipt. Ladies, feel free to comment on ideas of what you want your man to get you for Christmas. We’ll try to put something together to help out those last-minute shoppers.

Hope I’ve been a help this holiday season!