Owning the Amusement Park

One of my sons asked me one time, “Dad, why doesn’t God want us to have sex before marriage?” It was a beautiful father-son moment, and I looked into his eyes and as sincerely as possible said, “Son, it’s because God loves you and knows what’s best for you, and when He doesn’t let you have sex before marriage, it’s because He’s preparing you for life after marriage. You don’t get to have sex then either.”

As a man who’s married to a beautiful woman, I can honestly say my wife takes care of herself, looks hot all the time, and I often get complimented by men who “wish they could find a woman like that”. But everyday married life isn’t like some Cinemax film.

To all you single guys out there about to marry a beautiful woman, I’m going to give it to you straight: When you marry a babe, it’s like suddenly finding out that you own Six Flags. All the rides are yours! The Mindbender, the Scream Machine, the Great Gasp…you can ride everything you want to, as many times as you’d like! You’re the envy of all your friends who have to sit in the parking lot and wait for you to come out and tell them how great the rides really are–and you know the whole time they’ll never get the chance to ride in your park!

Then one day you notice the Scream Machine is closed. You think maybe it’s just for a few days, and there are plenty of other great rides to choose from, so you don’t really mention it. But then you notice other rides start shutting down too. And no matter what you try–candlelight dinners, flowers, jewelry, compliments–the rides never open again.

Finally, you’re left with the carousel and maybe the Monster Plantation every few months. Your friends are still waiting in the parking lot for the great stories, but now you’re having to make them up or repeat them from memory of when you used to scream during the rides because they were so good. Now you just sort of wander through the park and wonder what’s on television.

The Monster Plantation is ok, but it’s not something you’d ever choose to ride. It’s slow, nothing much happens, and you feel bad because you know you’re supposed to be enjoying the ride but your mind keeps wandering during the whole thing.

And don’t get me wrong, the carousel is nice, and it beats not having any rides open…but everything seems boring when you’ve been on the Scream Machine. When you ride the carousel you know how it’s going to start, you know how long it’s going to last (you can even count the number of times your horsey will go up and down before the ride ends), and when the ride’s over you feel like you’ve just wasted five minutes of your life.  The entire time you’re riding the carousel, you can see the Scream Machine in the distance. But if you try to get on it again, security comes and lets the dogs loose on you to chase you out of the park for the night.

So my advice to newlywed guys is simple: ride the thrill rides as often as you can at the start. Oh sure, you may think the carousel would be fun to mix things up one lazy Saturday afternoon, but don’t do it! You’ll be stuck riding that sucker for the rest of your life. The Scream Machine is only around for a few precious months. As soon as you get off the ride, get in line again and go for it. You’ll thank me later.

Remember those moments on the Mindbender too…they’ll be the stories you’re recycling for the guys in the parking lot two years from now.

And if your friends start telling you how great life is in their park, just keep watching them. That smile will slowly start to disappear from their faces and a look of confusion will set in as the rides start to close on them too. At that point, be thankful for ESPN.