Can a Passionless Relationship Survive?

You see it in the movies all the time. The guy and girl finally get together after almost 90 minutes of sexual tension, and of course, it’s absolutely incredible sex. You’ve got the breathless moments, the slow fingers-along-the-thighs scenes, and that final “Oh Yeah!” moment of completion. That breathless her-head-on-his-chest afterwards scene is where they both express their disbelief this finally happened, and how they wanted it and all that. It’s more than they could have ever imagined. But here’s the kicker: you hardly ever see this couple five or six years down the road.

Here’s what it looks like then: rather than the slow striptease, they both just take off their clothes and get into bed (hey, we both know it’s gonna happen anyway, so why work through all the zippers and stuff, right?). She closes her eyes and immediately begins to imagine what she needs to accomplish tomorrow. He runs his fingers along her bare skin and immediately begins to imagine he’s actually with the cute temp at work. After 20 minutes or so of sex so familiar they could be going by a script, it’s over. He rolls off her, she goes to the bathroom to do whatever it is women do in there after sex, and they both get dressed and start to read a book or watch television.

Sound familiar? It’s the obvious signs of a passionless relationship. Whether it’s the woman you married 10 years ago, or the girlfriend you’ve been going out with for a few months, the end result is the same: it’s familiar sex. Nothing unpredictable, nothing unexpected…just the main event.

My co-worker Frank complains all the time about how he and his wife have no passion anymore. She’s so consumed with keeping the house clean and the kids at various school functions that she is never–yes, he means absolutely “NEVER“–in the mood for anything amorous. When they were going out, she was this wild animal in the sack, and now life has caught up with them and he can clearly map out every single move she will make during the few brief nights a year when he gets lucky (read: Valentine’s Day, his birthday, their anniversary, and whenever he can get her drunk).

What are the problems with a passionless relationship? Isn’t bad sex better than no sex at all? Hey, one question at a time here!

First, a passionless relationship is dangerous because men are passionate creatures. While we don’t expect every night to be some crazy clothes-tearing wall-shaking encounter, we likewise don’t expect a scripted encounter that’s as badly acted as a German television movie. We need variety, spontaneity, and fire. That means we will seek passion, and if it is not experienced at home it will become the thing we search for elsewhere by nature.

Now before you start on me, ladies, I know that the man has to do something too. If he helps with the kids that’s a nice thing. If he helps clean the house, it’s good. If he listens when you talk, it’s important. If he shows he cares about you as a person and not just as a humping toy, it goes a long way. But there are those times when we need you to go the extra mile during sex. If you don’t want it, then say so rather than half-heartedly fake it! Every time you are obviously not there during the session, it’s a slap in the face to the guy. He feels like he’s not attractive to you or you’d be tearing at him like he was Ryan Reynolds.

But hey, isn’t bad sex better than no sex at all? Let me put it like this: let’s say you have a favorite episode of “The Andy Griffith Show”. Barney is hilarious, the Andy-Opie moments are heart-wrenching, and the closing moments are great. You love that episode and watch it every time you stumble across it on TV. Now just imagine if that was the only episode you were ever able to see on television. Within a couple of viewings, you’d stop laughing at Barney’s antics, and you might even roll your eyes at Andy’s fatherly advice. On the 20th viewing and onward, you’d start switching channels, turn off the television, or swear off the show altogether. You might love it at first, but after it’s so predictable it’s not worth the time.

So what if your woman isn’t willing to break the routine? In a previous posting, I told you about my friend, Mike, who has a great wife who is perfect in every way except for the fact that she’s a sexual dud. She wants it one position (guess which one), lights out, in the bedroom, and last thing at night right before they go to sleep. In other words, sex so vanilla it actually doesn’t have a taste. I hadn’t talked to Mike in almost a year, but I decided to check in and see how things were going. The diagnosis wasn’t good.

The physical relationship between his wife and himself had become so boring that Mike actually thought he was experiencing impotence for a while. “I would see my naked wife walking to the bed–and she has a great body!–but my body didn’t react because I knew every single second of how this would go down. I actually thought about how I’d rather just watch a ball game on TV rather than have sex with her. I got to the point where I thought either there was something wrong with me or I’d lost my libido altogether.” How did he cope with it all? Well, remember his wife’s friend who was such an acrobat in the sack that he flirted with?

Mike said, “<Sarah> was the solution. I kept flirting with her, and imaging it was her when my wife crawled into bed for ‘the usual’, and it makes it bearable. I know the time is coming when we’ll cross the line though. Sarah and I will become intimate, and then I have no idea where things will go from there.”

Unfortunately, Mike is heading down a very bad road toward an affair, and I’ve talked about the problems with that before. Even if he and “Sarah” don’t get physical, he’s currently having an emotional affair on his wife and it’s already showing signs of problems in the marriage. But is it all his fault? I mean, if he’s willing to try anything–anywhere–to spice up their sex life and his wife just won’t put the effort into it, doesn’t it seem more like a joint problem rather than just a one-sided thing? Absolutely!

So can a passionless relationship survive? Well, based on the fact that a whole lot of them do I’d have to say yes. There are a ton of folks out there who are involved in a dull marriage but manage to stick with it through it all. I guess the question becomes more one of “do you want to spend the rest of your life in one?” Will you really be satisfied to hear your friends talk about their constant adventures in the sack when you know all that awaits you at home is “the usual”?

If you love the other person and truly want the relationship to survive but the spark and fire have gone out, it’s time to get real. If they’re truly the person for you that you think they are, they should be able to handle the truth and be ready to try a little change.

Now if your girl is a sexual vanilla and she agrees to try a little more passion, it is not the time to pull black leather, chains, and a whip out from under the bed and suggest she call herself “Mistress Pain”. Baby steps, people…baby steps. You can only catch the skittish kitty if you sneak up on it…not if you run at it screaming at the top of your lungs.

Likewise, don’t start in with “I really hate it when you…”, or “It’s so boring when you…” Build her confidence in what she’s doing right and what you’d like to have more of with a little different twist. Let her keep her self-image or she’ll think she’s so bad there’s no need to try.

If you have a woman who loves you enough to listen and want to get better–even though what you’re saying could hurt her–then consider her a keeper. Treat her like gold, and work together to take that passionless relationship back to the point where sparks can fly.

Whatever you do, if you can help it, don’t stay in the passionless state without talking about it. Your spouse might just feel the same way you do but doesn’t know how to say it. Or doesn’t want to for fear of hurting your feelings. At any rate, she just might be bored and looking too. Make it spicy and fun again!

The Undeniable Attraction of a Whore

First of all, by “whore” I do not mean a professional prostitute. Instead, I am talking about a woman who feels the need to go from man to man and always be in a relationship. She will do whatever it takes to keep a man with her, and give him whatever he wants…all of this until she finds a more attractive man and moves on.

What motivates her to do this? I have no idea. Maybe it’s daddy issues. Maybe it was something she didn’t get in her childhood that makes her fear being alone. Maybe she just loves attention and can’t stand it if someone else is in the spotlight. Whatever the reason, she’s no good in a relationship because you go into it knowing she’s going to cheat on you at some point in the future.

I know this guy who is a very good-looking dude. He’s a funny, talented musician who always seems to have girls watching him without him trying anything. And for some strange reason, he finds himself drawn time and again to this one woman who couldn’t be faithful if you threatened her life.

They’ve been in a relationship before and she cheated on him. Then she cheated on the guy she cheated on him with. Then she got another boyfriend, even going so far as to talk about marriage, and she cheated on him. Then her best friend broke up with her boyfriend and this girl went out with the guy behind her back. Three weeks later, my friend is back with her and tells me she’s changed.

I am all for giving someone a second chance, but I’m also one to say you have to protect your heart (and other body parts). If a woman is a whore, she’s generally going to stay that way until she either finds religion or professional help. She may get married, she may stay in a relationship for a few months, but she’s going to cheat again. Wedding rings don’t stop her.

I’ve been down on men before because guys can be unfaithful, but I’m talking about chronically unfaithful women here. Why are men so stupid as to get in a relationship with them, ignoring the obvious signs that she’s trouble?

1) She’s usually pretty sexy.

What motivates men? Sex, mostly. A woman who goes from man to man usually has the reputation for being two things: easy and good. The challenge is gone because you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you’re going to get laid.

She wears tight, low-cut stuff, and isn’t afraid to let you touch her. Whereas a normal woman might make you go out on a date or two before getting affection, a whore will immediately begin the date with touching just to show you the gates are open and your admission ticket is paid in full.

She will dress any way she needs to, show whatever she needs to, and freely give whatever is necessary to keep the eyes of every man nearby on her.

2) There is no chance of being shot down

There is no fear of rejection and no challenge involved. This woman is going to give you whatever you want however you want it. You don’t have to do anything more than show her attention and make her feel important for a few minutes. After that, you can try whatever you want to and she’s going to let you do whatever you’d like. It’s a very sad state of affairs, but it’s the truth.

3) Ironically enough, you don’t have to worry about her cheating on you

I say that because you know ahead of time she’s going to cheat on you. There’s not a lot of nagging thoughts of “Am I making her happy?” and “Are we going to make it as a couple?”. You know ahead of time there’s nothing you can say or do that will make her stick with you, so that’s kind of a relief to some guys.

My friend even told me he doesn’t expect her to cheat on him, but he wouldn’t be surprised if she does. He’s uncomfortable thinking about her talking to other guys. Heads up guys: That’s not how a relationship is supposed to be! You’re supposed to be able to trust each other!

That’s something that really ticks me off. I have no idea how a man can have such horrible self-esteem as to stick himself in a relationship with a woman he knows is going to sleep around on him. By the same token, I can’t understand how a woman can cheat on a good man (or how a man can cheat on a good woman, for that matter). If you find someone you know you is better than you deserve, stick with them!

 

So in the end…

This isn’t really something you can figure out how to fix. If a guy is attracted to that type of woman for whatever reasons, then he’s going to go for her no matter what you say. He will even tell you he knows what’s coming–and then he’ll continue on straight to the heartache ahead.

As for the woman in this story, I know her. She comes from a large family and I think the only way she could figure to get attention and stand out in the crowd was to dress like a tart and become a loose woman. She wasn’t abused or anything, there’s just something inherent in her to cheat for some reason.

Think about the movie “Love Actually”. In one of the storylines, Alan Rickman is this married guy with a stable wife and kids who finds himself attracted to this slutty secretary working for him. You can see on his face that he knows this is wrong and won’t end well, yet he is drawn to this woman and can’t seem to help himself. In the end, it doesn’t end well.

So if you have a friend (or you yourself are that guy) who finds yourself pulled toward the “looser” women out there, snap out of it. Yes, she’s easy with no effort, but you’re better than that. Using her for a one night stand won’t help her any, and it could lead to complications for both of you. It’s best just to leave her alone and walk away while you can.

Affair-Proofing Your Relationship

I wrote a few weeks ago about the devastating aftermath of an affair. It hurts, no doubt. Someone wrote me and asked, “But how do you keep it from happening? If you’re doing all you can, then it’s not your fault, right?”

I have a friend who got engaged last year in June (the one year anniversary of their first date). The wedding was schedule for next June, a year later. To be fair, the girl he was with was waaaaaaaay out of his league and I have no idea how he landed her in the first place, but somehow he did it. I personally would never have gone with a year-long engagement, as too many bad things can happen. Sure enough, she was in a friend’s wedding and while in the rehearsals she hit it off with the groomsmen walking her down the aisle. A couple of weeks later, she told my friend it was over and gave him the ring back. He was floored because he had no idea anything was wrong.

While there’s no 100% infallible method for keeping that partner from straying, there are some things you can do to help shore up the walls of your relationship so they aren’t so tempted to stray. Looking at my friend’s relationship as a model, here are some things to learn:

1. Take care of yourself.

When I said my friend and this girl were different, I mean it. She was this supermodel who always looked perfect like she’d just come off the page of a magazine. He looked ok when they started dating, but for some reason in the last weeks of the relationship he’d decided to develop this “different” style. He grew this scraggly beard, went for untucked flannel shirts, and wore these weird hats. In other words, she was a supermodel, he looked like a hobo. The guy she left him for? Yep, clean cut.

Just because you’ve (temporarily) won the person of your dreams doesn’t mean you let yourself go. Stay in shape, and continue to dress to impress all the time…even after you’re married. That doesn’t mean you wear a tux to bed or anything, but it means you are always careful about what you wear when in public with them. Whether you realize it or not, you are representing this person to others (and they feel that way, believe me). While a ratty tee shirt and jeans may feel good and be perfect for Saturday afternoon at home, you need to reconsider if she’s in a fancy dress with hair perfect.

Likewise, watch the weight gain. It’s perfectly understandable for people to become slightly less active after a relationship kicks in, but don’t let yourself go. They may joke about the love handles and pudge, but it’s not cool and they will start looking elsewhere if it gets to be too much.

2. Keep the fire alive.

My friend was all about the physical stuff (no way to blame him for that). The problem is that he lost sight of the fact that passion must be kept alive. Lust may last a long time for you, but if your partner is more into intimacy and passion you’re going to lose their interest quickly.

I know it doesn’t always sound fun, but dating has to continue well past consummation. Just because she’s screaming  your name tonight doesn’t mean your awesome moves will keep her coming back forever. Ladies, just because he’s getting to have some fun with you doesn’t mean you can just lay there and plan your day for tomorrow. Keep the fire and the passion alive by always remembering what it took to win their love in the first place. No taking it for granted, and no forgetting what love costs.

Ladies, surprise him in the shower one night. Guys, have a candlelight dinner waiting for her when she gets home one evening and have the kids packed off to a movie somewhere (preferably a double feature). Sound like too much work or sissy stuff? Wrong. This is the stuff that shows your spouse they were worth some effort.

3. Respect…always.

You’re on the first date and every word, gesture, and moment is carefully planned. Suddenly you fart as loud as possible and say, “Oh, yeah!” She wouldn’t be around for dessert, let alone a second date. So why do people develop this attitude after they’ve had a few dates? “Familiarity breeds contempt”, I suppose. You wouldn’t make fun of her mother. You wouldn’t tell him how hot so-and-so’s husband looked since he’s started working out. Stop it all. Stop it now.

Treat them like you did on the first date. Open the door for her when you get to the car. Take an extra few minutes to really look good before walking into the room. Listen attentively to every word they say.

4. Light up when they come in the room.

Every morning I get up and take my dog out, then I leave him in the kitchen eating his breakfast while I go get my shower. When I come back in the kitchen, he goes crazy and acts like he hasn’t seen me all day, when it’s only been ten minutes. That’s why men love dogs so much…we are their world. Do the same for your significant other. I’m not saying jump up and down and start humping their leg or anything…but give them a killer smile when you see them come into the room. Make them feel like, to you, they are the most important person on Earth and things were not right until you arrived.

In my friend’s case, there were many times when his girlfriend would walk into a crowded room and it would be ten or fifteen minutes before he even acknowledged she was there. He saw her, she knew he saw her, but he talked to his buddies before going to her. He wasn’t “putting her in her place”…he was subtly showing her how important she really was to him.

Everyone loves to feel valuable and like they are special. When you take the time to show that person that just the fact that they are in the room with you makes you happy, it makes their self-worth go through the roof. While some people may say this is too much and makes you seem desperate or clingy, I say they’ve never been the recipient of “that smile” in their life. As soon as it happens to them, it will be what they love and the highlight of their day.

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Are any of these things guaranteed to keep your marriage safe from an affair? Not any single one of them, no, but taken as a whole they can at least be a deterrent. Let’s face it: some people are just born to cheat.

This is probably all I’ll say on affairs (what more is there?), but let me stress again that if you’re feeling the temptation to stray, stop and really think it through. Consider it from every angle. You’ll find that it’s not worth it.

If you’re on the other side and you think your spouse might have a wandering eye, be proactive. Really go out of your way to keep their love. Let me just say that everyone sees how you treat your spouse, and if they do choose at some point to cheat on you while everyone else saw you keeping the fire going as best you could, they’ll think “Man, that one’s a keeper! He was an idiot to let her go!” and they might just come after you themselves.

Here’s hoping something I’ve said has worked in someone’s favor someday…